Thursday, May 31, 2007


HI whew.. things are getting a little bit settled.. we picked a wedding date and firmed things up.. all thats left to do is get set with the hotel and do the usual running around and organizing etc.. so on that end of my life its all sweet....

Yesterday I saw a commercial for BIG MEDICINE on TLC... that commercial made me cry to see those large bodies.. and listen to these people.. who have decided that surgery is their only option to finding a healthier self. Each time that commercial comes on I cry.. whats the deal with that???.. not hormonal.. not sad.. not anything .. however that commercial just stirs me so deeply.. could it be because I see myself there.. I know how that feels.. ??? I don't know.. I just know that it really goes through me when ever I see it. I might watch the show too.

Somtimes I ask myself why isn't it a simple choice for everyone.. ? why can't all of us just do what we know we need do?? why is there so much attached to habit.. and habit attached to food?? Why can't each of us just shake it and move on.. I guess if I had the answer all of us would not be blogging about getting healthy and losing weight.. or making whatever life changes we need to make... hmmm.. I know in my life food has been a safe place.. and learning that emotion is just that emotion.. and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable or allowing myself to feel happy.. or angry.. is still not easy... but I know that I need to feel to be alive.. I know that in food there are no answers.. only the misguided comfort of momentary quietness as the food slides down my throat.. it surely does not solve the emotion.. It surely does not put me in the place I should be... SO I know these things.. and I am living a better life.. but it is so easy to slip .. and desire to just eat away whatever i am feeling... I suppose and hope that in time it will get easier and feel more normal... Normal.. now there is a good word.. I have come to the conclusion that in the medical world.. I am still considered obese. I was morbidly obese, Now I am OBESE , soon I will be obese/overweight, OVERWEIGHT , overweight/NORMAL and then NORMAL for my height and bone structure. Medically speaking. Morbidly Obese versus Normal. How will this be for me.. I know morbidly obese in medical terms.. I have lived Morbidly Obese.... but how will I know Normal.. will I truely be able to survive.. maintain a healthy weight? YES.. for see I am pretty blessed.. number 1 I have a great support system... my family and YOU GUYS... number 2 I have a fabulous doctor, who monitors me. and 3 I have a great nutritionist who monitors me monthly.. I go see her June 4th for my official weigh in and check in. I have had a few rocky patches.. but I let myself just deal with the feelings...and I never turned to food. This is good.

Steve pointed out something to me this morning.. he told me to try and not be hurt when friends start seemingly for no reason to abandon me. He said he has noticed that some of my friends are not comfortable with my anymore.. that I intimidate ( YES ME INTIMIDATE I laughed too) them now because I have changed my eating habits.. and I am careful now ... and I prefer to go to resturants where I can eat "like a normal person" and not have to monitor myself and have lots of choices... well in my Mind whats wrong with wanting to go to places I can eat comfortably. What is wrong with avoiding places that make me feel uncomfortable.. I SELDOM now go to my old haunts.. too much temptation out there for me... Steve said folks are noticing this.. and those that are not making lifestyle changes feel uncomfortable around me. I hate that .. because on the inside I am the same person.. maybe a bit more confident and sure of what I am doing now.. but I am still the same.. and when someone asks me what I want to eat.. or where I want to eat .. I say the places I feel comfortable with.. and well.. its usually not a fast food place ( ALTHOUGH I LOVE SONICS ICE and now Sara turned me on too the DIET CHERRY LIMEADE.. its SOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD) and I try and avoid Italian for now. Oh well.. any advice on that would be appreciated. Sometimes I even share a burger with Steve there too.. and I have found that is okay by me..

Well I do hope all is right in your world..
Glad I am back and hope everyone is doing okay.. going to go blog and comment for a while.. also gotta go TARGET lol.. ..
Wish me well
Wish you well too..


Living to Feel Good said...

WooOHooOoo! Registering at Target is FUNNNN! Even my husband had fun pointing their "gun" at the items we wanted! :D

I agree with Steve to not let your feelings get hurt about your friends abandoning you. It truly sucks that they turn on you when you are succeeding, but in all reality it is them that is insecure. As painful as it may be, you will have to decide if it is worth the fight to remain friends. Your outside appearance shouldn't reflect your friendship. I hear this sad story all the time. I personally don't understand it, but that's just me. Now if the inside changes that's a different story! ;P

Have fun at Target! :D

Grumpy Chair said...

I do love Target. Go once or twice a week.

Glad you are doing great.

buddha_girl said...

1. Knowing we've been where the Big Medicine people are will always cause tears to be shed. We know their pain. We know their swtruggles.

2. Steve's right. I've lost some friends who found that I wouldn't be an eating buddy anymore. Sure, I still love food, but it's not my drug of choice any longer. That's a HUGE deal in the grand scheme of things. If a 'friend' can't be happy that you're taking care of yourself, he/she is not your friend. I learned that the hard way.

3. TARGET! I love registering there! I had a field day when I did Buddha's registery there. Good times, Honi!

SilverTV said...

Thanks for watching and thanks for blogging the show we are real proud of the job we did. We look forward to hearing your weekly comments.


Darryl Silver
Executive Producer
Big Medicine

Bethany said...

Do you think the producer actually read the post?