Thursday, May 24, 2007


WELL... tomorrow I go see my doctor.. I have not been there for a check up since dec 18th.. when he told me either do something or it will be time for blood pressure meds.. Tomorrow is my day to find out if what I have done so far.. will make a difference. My official way day will be June 4th .. that will be the day I will post my official weight.. I got on the scale this morning.. its thursday and I was at 185 lowest I have been in a while. so thats 26.5 pounds. unofficially.. what will the scale say at the doctors office.. something close I hope... what will the doctor say to me.. will he notice.. does it matter.. ??? will my blood pressure read better this time..??? will I have lost enough of my physical self to have made a difference yet... well I will find out tommorow. I know I have made some great strides and I know that the path I am on is exactly where I should be.. changing... it is harder to change the older we are.. but there is something about this experience.. this time that is liberating... maybe because it is finally dawning on me that this is my life .. that this improvement if you will... will be continuous that there is no end... and the shape changes finally no more vicious circle.. more of a lazy maze that does not end.. kind of a maze you want to be on.. where with each challange you face it and conquer it. where with each twist and turn you develope a new skill for coping and realize that coping can be internal and external but it does not have to involve food to sooth a mood..Food is easy... figuring out and solving the issues is not easy.. sometimes just feeling an emotion.. is uncomfortable but its okay.. its getting easier... its okay to be angry now and then.. its okay to cry when I am sad or happy.. it is okay to simply be in the moment and not worry about what comes next. So maybe I should take my own advice and not worry about tomorrow.. or what the doctor says or thinks.. or even if I have to go on blood pressure meds.. maybe its enough to know I am on the right path and am doing the right thing the right way for me. The truth.. I want the doctor to notice .. I want the blood pressure to be better.. and I want him to say I am going in the right direction and things are getting better. I know they are .. but I just need that afirmation from him.. Isn't that silly when I know logically and emotionally I am doing the right thing.. well I guess there are things about myself I will never thoroughly understand..
Aside from all that things are going well.. eating well and .. ( TRUMPETS PLEASE) I am even exercising every morning with my recumbant bike and I have pulled out my exercise ball and am doing situps now..

Tomorrow we are working a half day in the office Then I go downtown to the big Clinic.. gladly all three visits are in the same building different floors...
I see the doc for a physical
then I see my GYN
then the lovely .. MAMMOGRAM.. MONSTER and I have a hug and touch moment.. (in another world where mammograms are fun) YIKES!!!!!!!!!!.. time to stock up on the advil .. I hate that thing... Someone needs to invent a new test... or a different type of Mammogram as it stands now.. and I mean STANDS.. I have to be on my tip toes once they put one of the girls in a that lovely hard plastic flatten me until I scream vise .. I am on my tip toes and the lady goes back behind the machine and says DONt breath>>> hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooo.. I CAN NOT BREATH.. what the hell is she talking about don't breath and stand still.. like I am gonna leave my boob in a vise... then they do the other side.. and I am on my tip toes again.. DONT THEY HAVE A DAMN STOOL I CAN STAND ON.. geez.. well thats what happened last year.. and I was in serious shape with my back pain at an all time high too.. At least tommorow my back pain is low.. OKay .. I think I will be a bit more discriptive for my male readers.. see people think they just put the boob on the bottom tray then they flatten the boob out with the top tray .. OHHHHHHHH NO.. they go under your arm pit to get all of the breast tissue then can... so there are technically 3 shots per breast..(more the bigger u are) and god forbid they see something or they see a shadow .. then they have to do a magnifying mammogram.. they take a thin paddle and press that over the breast tissue they are suspicisous of.. so they press the small paddle against that tissue which is on the tray so its like a squish worse than any squish you could imagine... lol.. I have had that done before.. Last year was rough... because I was already in pain from my back and shoulder this year things are better in that respect. so when they pose me.. I can hold my breath and smile.. NOT!!! just gonna dose up on some advil and .. uhmm for lack of a better way to say this.... GIT HER DONE!!!!
Wish me well
Wish you well too.

No comments: