Friday, May 15, 2009



I decided a change of space was in order..

I talked to my husband last night and he wanted assurance that I was going to lose weight this time.. he worries.. and I know that.. but I cant really assure anyone until I can assure myself of my own success and the only way that is going to happen is when I see success at least beginning...

He said I should not blog about it because I am basically making a fool out of myself since I am not losing any weight and basically gained most of what I had originally lost back in 2007. I never felt as if I was making a fool out of myself because I have always been honest.. and its obvious when you do not hear me talk about it that you know I am not losing anything nor am I trying at that time.. I give everyone credit for understanding weight silence.. and trying to talk about other things.. but it seems to me I have battled the good war for now well over 45 years.. and I am sure it is the longest war in a human's history against oneself.. and frankly I will not give up.. because sooner or later someone has to win.. either the fat honi by killing me.. or the one that really wants to live.. the one over at the new place.. and yes I will continue blogging.. because you guys are were its at.. you are friends and my support.. and even when I feel as if I am the loneliest person in the world.. all I have to do is click here and find out I am not... So why let healthy honi go... Its time for change.. something different something with more Momentum..

SO follow me...

Monday, May 11, 2009






Thursday, May 7, 2009

Vicki Gave me this award . That really was so sweet of you Vicki , I have been a terrible blogger lately... You guys know the rules...Here's what you do when you have received the "Super Blogger" award:Tape it up on your blog somewhere.Pass it along to 5 fellow super bloggers, and comment on their blog so they know they have something for them.

To me it is hard to just pick 5 people who inspire me.. as we all are Super Bloggers but lets follow the rules this time..
For today I pick:
~Budda Girl's World ~Scale Junkie~Twix~ Doctor Manette~Southbork
Until next time...

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Do you ever have that feeling of : I NEED ME BACK

I need me back.. I need the woman back who nearly 2 years ago weighed in at 180 at her lowest in years... I need the person that worked so hard back.. I have no idea why she left and left me with this woman who is eating herself into oblivion.. this woman who would rather continuously eat than eat for hunger and energy.. She chooses very unhealthy things to eat and things that are high in calories. She loves sweets and breads and makes sure her day is filled with both and not in moderation.. She stepped on the scale today and weighed 203.8 pounds.. WTF has she done with Honi.. the strong and smart and fighter Honi.. I never thought I would be back over 200 pounds again.. I never thought I would go back... my top was 211.5.. and I really do not want to go there.. It has been suggested that I do a lap band or gastric bypass.. and while I think those options are great for some people I do not think its great for me... because my problem is not really just the food.. It is using the food as a pacifer for all emotions... With out going into detail and some of you know the detail... this past year has been a piss poor year, between my mother dieing , and now all the bullshit that is going along with the estate and other issues.. and the house not selling.. the pressure well it sometimes feels as if my head is going to explode.. and I am really just so sad.. but I am mostly ANGRY at myself.. I do not like the way my clothes fit.. I do not like how I feel.. and I am so dissapointed in myself that I am sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks and the irony in this whole thing .. is that I will probably not do anything today.. or tomorrow to change my predicament... I am going to to the doctor for a check up next Friday.. and I am determined to have a decision on what I am going to do with ME.. with that strange woman that is back in body who does not take care of me.. I need the other woman back.. the other one who encouraged me.. and stood by me.. and helped me go in the right direction.. only I need her stronger and better and able to handle any challenge that comes her way... I am thinking for a quick start to do Nutri system.. however I do find it MASSIVELY EXPENSIVE, however, when I did it in 1989 I lost 50 pounds in about 6 months I kept most of the weight off until my mom had open heart surgery in 1991 and I had to stay with her in the hospital.. I would spend late night down in the cafeteria eating icecream sandwiches.. needless to say over that summer I gained 25 pounds back and kept on going up.. I have not done anything signifcant until I did the Mayo CLinic weight loss for everybody 2 years ago when I lost about 30 pounds... but here I am back up the creek again... when will this ever end.. I am tired of the anger and pain I cause my body .. Me .. I cause this.. One of my sisters says do nutri system and then you will have the weight off by my neices wedding.. well I dont care about that.. this has to be about me.. she asks me what will my husband do.. he can eat what he wants. whatever.. but for me a commitment to Nutri system would mean no more going out to eat for the next few months and eating all meals at home..or where a microwave is available thats a commitment.. it would cost me 299.95 a month to do Nutri system .. my other choice is the new program at Weight Watchers, it would cost me 65.00 for the first 3 months and I have a discount coupons that makes the first 3 months 59.00 and then 16.95 each month their after. the positives are I could eat anywhere and pretty much what i want.. with in reason, the new program also goes mobile so I can put it on Steves blackberry and I am not sure if I can put it on my G1 though they also have a Mens program and Steve wants to lose weight .. although he loses weight in the blink of an eye when he wants.. but he might go on WW with me or follow along .. we are going to talk about these programs and make a decision prior to next week. WW would be the most easiest and when I follow it I have success.. My sister says I should go to the meetings to be held accountable.. I HATE THE MEETINGS, its full of fluffy people for the most part.. and yes they might be losing weight but I seldom see really big people there usually tennis moms and the like.. Fluff.. nothing has ever helped me at the meetings.. Online the program is accessible 24 /7 .. I think I can do e tools if I do go to meetings... I dont know what I want to do.. I hated the meetings years ago when i did them.. I did lose weight.. maybe 15 pounds or so .. just not sure what to do.. BUT I MUST DO SOMETHING...
Until next time