My mother's It's a sign list :
- You and Steve are married now, (WHAT SHE IS REALLY SAYING) it's a sign from God I am going to die
- I parallel parked the car for the first time ever , (WHAT SHE IS REALLY SAYING) it's a sign from God I am going to die
- My children want me to have a nurse after my surgery , they are casting me off.. (WHAT SHE IS REALLY SAYING ) it's a sign from God, I should die now.
- My oldest daughter does not want me to go the the beach house with her , she is rejecting my demand...request.. (WHAT SHE IS REALLY SAYING it's a sign from God, I should die now.
- Everything is a sign from God that she is going to die.. and so it goes...
So Friday night Steve and I ride the motorcycle over to mom's I present mom with her Nick and Nora PJs.. My sisters wanted to go in on those with me, one of my Aunts and Uncles wanted to as well.. Mom sees the list of names enclosed with the gift.. it was a sweet note I composed... However she says the following...and I quote : this is ridiculous.. All these people went in on these PJs.. these cost 20.00, how much did they cost? ( I did not tell her but they cost 19.00) WHAT THE FLIP FLOP FLOOZY.. I was shocked.. I could not believe she acted that way .. but alas its my mom... I should not be hurt or surprised.. Not 10 minutes later my sister calls me on my cell phone.. Honi only put yours and my name on the PJS she is going to flip when she sees all those names on the PJs.. I told my sister how hurt I was.. I told my mother she hurt my feelings as well.. ( SHE IS CLUELESS) I would never think that way.. NEVER.. I would be so excited .. PJS how thoughtful.. blah blah blah... but not .. mom.... My sister apologized to me for not getting to me sooner... and all I was thinking prior to giving her the PJs was .. I need to put everyones name on the note so mom will know who to thank.. well.. pluck my feathers and throw me in the deep fryer.. I was so off on this.. I am a FOOL I suppose.. still upset.. and shaking my head.. at my own stupidity that I am upset... then on the way out .. as we were leaving her house.. she thanked me for the PJS.. like she never said any of the stuff earlier.. SHEESH.. I wonder what tomorrow night will bring...
It was funny in a twisted morbid way.... Mom was talking about the signs she is getting .. Steve did not read between the lines... he thought she was being positive.. then I had to explain to him.. Don't you get what she is telling you.. THOSE ARE SIGNS ITS TIME FOR HER TO DIE.. he pish poshes her and the signs.. and once again everything is forgotten.. but not by me.. and when I hug her goodbye... .. sadly.. I am the one who feels the guilt because I feel a little dead inside and I could feel the shame rising in my throat because I was questioning why can't I love my mom more.. I would like too but I guess I love her the best I can... and all she wants to know is what she did wrong.. why my older sister does not want to spend time with her .. why this .. why is that one treating her this way and this one treating her that way.. etc..... .. there was more but I am too tired write about it.. at least in her mind we ended the evening on a good note.. in mine I am asking myself what kind of fool am I ..
Wish me well
Wish you well too...
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5 comments:
Maybe your mom is like mine. She speaks her mind without thinking about it first. She does not mean to hurt my feelings but she does anyway. I know that she doesn't really mean what she says and I just have to let it go. Life is too short and my mother has too many good qualities to dwell on the bad. I am sorry for all you are dealing with right now Honi. You are in my prayes.
There is nothing more complex than Mother - Daughter relationships. Nobody can wound us like a mother & nobody can cheer us like a mother so when you have a difficult mother it's very hard to live with. I'm so glad you see the humour in it as well as the pain.
Your Mother is blessed to have you for a daughter.
Deep breaths my friend. Deep breaths. Can't.be.easy. xo.
Parents are supposed to do that, say those things, so you can say, No, please, you're too young, we still need you.
Write the musical.
This is my mother exactly. She has been saying she's ready to die for at least 25 years now...more than half my life. Enough already I told her one day. Either do it or stop complaining about it! Many hugs to you sweetie. We love them, they know not what they do.
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