FAMILY FROM OUR WEDDING

Monday, May 19, 2008

VERY SHORT AND VERY SWEET AND DEJA VU

WELL ... SEEMS I am about to relive the summer of '07.... ROOT CANAL HELL.. hopefully not... Went to the dentist.. Everything is great but the tooth next to the tooth ( actually no tooth) that was pulled last summer.. seems it shifted over and has a fracture.. Seems I need a crown.. and I am not even a queen or a princess.... So Thursday I go to have the priliminaries done .. just like last year... as long as there is no problem .. the tooth gets crowned and the tooth next to that one might need a new filling... so all that would happen on Thursday with me being offically crowned in 2 weeks.. * hey you can make just about anything sound special if ya try..* .. and on the flipside of hell.. here we go again... I also have to have a blood test in July to see if I am A offical menapasual woman.. WHOOO HOOO.. Joy.. YIKEs.... and am still trying to deal with moms impending heart surgery July 15th.. here is the frame work of it all.. All family.. sisters and cousins are converging on my mothers house the weekend prior to her surgery .. her surgery is July 15th.. everyone is going to leave July 16th.. I am not a happy camper about this.. no one is sticking around for the most important time .. her recovery.. I mentioned getting a nurse and my mother got upset.. she said it makes her feel like a castaway old person because I want to get her a nurse... I HAVE TO WORK NO ONE GETS THIS !!!!!!!!!! but my myself and my husband!!!.. Mom has a wonderful woman who keeps her house .. and who raised me..she will be there too.. but I dont feel its fair to dump everything on her.. and also on me.. Last time mom has surgery Dad was alive. The world spun and dad is gone now..I told mom we will do what the doctor says .. if he says you need a nurse then we are getting her a nurse to stay with her at night at least for the first week at home.. she is not happy about this development at all.. i am assuming she is assuming I was going to stay with her the whole time..I know by what she said to me.. when I mentioned the nurse.. " I am sorry for ruining your plans.. I should just die that would be the best thing.. I dont want to live " so .. here is my world.. last night .. I went into the closet.. ( my pc is there) and I cried.. I silently sobbed to myself and felt resentful and angry.. and trapped... I did not want Steve to see me cry.. its not fair to dump my feelings on him either.. I wanted to drown.. I wanted to drown in Chocolate.. but I did not.. I just cried.. and cried.. and eventually felt better.. I think Steve could tell I was crying.. ( puffy eyes and a red nose kinda gives that away) he knows I am so stressed about this.. of course I am concerned about my mom.. but I am also concerned about me... I know what I did the last time she had heart surgery.. I spent the nights with her in the hosptial... I ate the icecream sandwiches.. I tried to eat my pain and fear and sadness away... but Steve keeps saying .. now its different I have him.. and things will be fine... for me not to worry.. then why I am so torn up on the inside if things are going to be fine.. Why am I scared... why am I resentful.. why am I angry???
Tonight after work and before a dinner of grilled shrimp and fresh corn... we are going for a walk.. and then I will have my WW chocolate ice cream dessert.. because I can ..
I decided to back off of the almonds for a week.. too see if that helps.. I am getting my water in.. and doing everything correctly .. so I should have a good weigh day Friday...
Well I said I was keeping this short and I have managed to ramble on..
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

2 comments:

Scale Junkie said...

Your Mom knows how to push your buttons to get the response she wants. You know that and I know you know that but its so hard when she is having surgery to not let her walk all over you. You have to be strong and you have to keep your job. Can you talk to some of the family and see if someone else can stick around for a few more days? I know the housekeeper will be there and will do what she has to do but if no one will be there then maybe a nurse or a home health aid might be the best option. HUGE HUGS!!!

I made percent weight loss badges for YOU on the HYC!!

MargieAnne said...

Hi Honi,
Your Mom is afraid too. My Mum says much the same to us everytime there is a hint of complaint. It feels like emotional blackmail but it does stem from her own fears.

I chose years ago to be by her side in her later years if it became needful. Well it has and it's not easy .... but I am much older than you & we are officially retired so no other committments.

I could not do this if TWJ didn't support me 100% Listen to your beloved Steve. He is wise and compassionate. He will take care of your needs and see that your Mom is properly cared for.

First you must look after yourself. Your life is still to be lived no matter what happens to your Mom. You are no use to her if you get too stressed out worrying about her.

Is it possible to get agreement from the rest of your family about a nurse for your Mom. It is a heavy load to carry when other family members should take some responsibility too.

Don't forget the Coronation robes for the Crowning. Perhaps they will ease the pain. ..... Will they be Red or Purple? *giggle*

This is a tough time .... sending love and over the mountains and over the ocean and over more mountains right to your house.