Tuesday, May 20, 2008


SIGH.......................... so is it Friday yet....? I guess not.. it is still Tuesday.. which for the most part is okay ... Today it should not be too frustrating at work....

We ended up not having that great dinner I had planned.. I got home later than expected from work Yesterday so tonight we are doing the grilled shrimp and corn on the cob.. Last night it was left over pasta for me and a sandwich for Steve.. it was too late to walk by the time I got home also... I hate those later days... Tonight I will leave the office at 530 and get home, we can walk and have a nice Dinner and watch AI.. It is the two Davids... I am thinking David Cook is going to win just because of age and maturity.. and performance ability.. I don't see him as very engaging with the audience.... neither is David A. .. but he is still at that awkward stage of finding out who he is etc... on the other hand I would love to see the him win just because he is so young and very talented..
Still dealing with the mom issue... not sure what will happen there.. everyone has their reasons and plans.. too me it just seems as if no one wants to be here for the messy stuff.. Everyone has an excuse... viable or not. To me ... it is still an excuse... Seems I always get the messy part of things when it comes to my family.. My mom's recovery after the accident.. me.. and moms housekeeper.. ( who is so much more than a housekeeper.. she is a really a saint... ) At that time I had a boss who paid me and took me off my job for nearly 2 months so I could take care of mom.. he paid my health insurance and my paycheck for nearly 2 months with out me being at work. He closed the office the day of Dad's funeral and had every one attend.. Do you know, I was so angry at my dad for being killed... I was so angry at first that he left me with this huge mess and did not tell me how to handle things.. I had asked him not too long before his death.. in the event that something were to happen what do I do.. he told me not to worry about it.. So you see.. when someone tells me not to worry about things.. BIG THINGS.. I tend to just tune out now.. I am a person who needs a plan.. who functions better when there is a master plan.. BUt I had no plan then.... I did what people told me to do.. and I was mad.. and angry and hurt... and dealing with mom's injuries and never really having a proper grieving time for my dad. I had to slap it all together and run... thank God for my boss .. he did take great care of me at that time.. and Thank God for Steve.. he was there too.. he was my rock.. I would not have survived it all had it not been for him.. SO now.. though not as tragic... we deal with life.. as mom faces this surgery.. I know she is fearful.. I know she wants Dad here to take care of her.. but I wish she could see that life is different now.. and wishing for the past does not change the now or the future... that somehow . .with in you .. you have to find it to accept how things are .. and the changes that happen.. She is still fighting the idea of having a nurse.. I really do not understand that at all.. Oh well.. I guess it will all work out in the long run.. I keep imagining things in my head.. either I will move in with her for a week.. ( NOT GOOD FOR ME AT ALL and really not good for her either) ( then she will get needy and whiney when it is time for me to go back home ) .. I think my family thinks that is what I am going to do.. after all.. after dad died they were anticpating I would move in with mom to take care of her.. SCREW ME and MY LIFE!!!!.... obviously I never did that... It is not that I do not want to take care of her.. my mom.. well.. she can be... well... difficult... its complicated. I sound pretty selfish here.. I know this about her.. and what she will be dealing with.. but I also know how things played out the last time she had heart surgery.. Everyone walked away.. Dad traveled for work... my sisters went back to their lives.. and there I was .. right there in the thick of it.. oh well... I will just deal with what comes.. and use this blog to its fullest potential.. and maybe this time .. I can save myself... I know I have Steve.. but I just never ever want to abuse that.. he is far to precious to me to ever do that too..
It is a sunny day outside.. hopefully it will not be too hot today...
Wish me well
Wish you well too..


Felicia said...

Oh I hope its not Friday yet lol or I missed a whole list of things I still have to get done this week.

Hope your week perks up!

Have a SUPER day!

Scale Junkie said...

First of all, you aren't selfish Honi. You are trying to handle things in a mature and responsible manner and everyone else is putting their heads in the sand. Its very frustrating for you I'm sure. Just know your priorities and take it as they come. You know your Mom will manipulate every ounce of energy from you if you let her...the key is not letting her. Your roles have reversed, you are the adult and your Mom is becoming the child so its up to you to set the rules as the adult.

You have a wonderful boss and you are very blessed with a wonderful husband. Hold these things near to your heart.

I hope you have a wonderful dinner tonight.

Hanlie said...

I agree with Diana. You are definitely not selfish.

Lora said...

Sounds like you have a full plate. Thank goodness for Steve (and that awesome boss of yours!)

You can only do what you can do. Help your mom - but don't neglect your own life too. It's a tough road to navigate.

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

What Diana said!
You're a wonderful, caring person Honi. Don't think anything less of yourself.
In times of crisis you find out what people are made of and you have shown that you're taking care of your loved ones.