Saturday, May 3, 2008

The Tides of Change

I wanted to know why last night I walked around the kitchen at my mom's house looking for something to nosh on ... when I had had a nice dinner not 2 hours prior at our synagogue..I wanted to know why old monsters run rampant in my brain and do not leave .. ever... why are old habits like old clothes.. soft and comfortable...I wanted to know.. why I start and why I stop.. why don't I take the all the way to the end.. I wanted to know why I have been fat the better part of my life.. why did i choose this as my vice..what did I find so exceptional about eating that I never could control it.. I would rein it in from time to time .. and in my life I have lost 20 pounds... 30 pounds.. 45 pounds.. 50 pounds.. and then I turn around and march right back into the same old clothes.. the same old places.. the same old food.with the same old results.. why .. and the answer was simple.. there is no why.. there is no how come.. there is no answer.. there is only now.. and this is a tide of change.. is the permenant .. I don't know.. I am praying for that. I will work for that.. but after 45 years I am a bit jaded... 45 years.. first diet at 10 years old.. 35 years I have been fighting a single war... I have never lost completely but I have never won fully... It might be a hard concept for those of you who have only had weight issues in their adult life... but those of you who have been here all of your life.. know this .. and know how it feels... I want to shed this.. and this time I will try once again to shed it... I am not defeated .. I have never been defeated only side tracked for a while.. and what makes this different from all the the other times... well in the other times I gained all the weight back plus.... this time I gained 5 pounds back of the 30 I lost.. I have lost 2.4 of those pounds.. and now I am going to go forward.. and hopefully not get side tracked again...
Have a great weekend
Wish me well
Wish you well too


Hanlie said...

It's like assuming a whole new identity... You can do this, Honi! You have more people supporting you now than ever before.

MargieAnne said...

I too can go hunting for food after a good meal out. I don't understand why I do it although it feels as though having been reasonably disciplined in the public arena I now need to have a little food to relax with.

There is something about social events which stimulate the appetite.

40 by 40 said...

You are going to will this war for once and for too! I like your new badges! Congrats! Keep it up girlfriend!

40 by 40 said...

oops--i mean WIN this war!

Lora said...

Sometimes we seem to be stuck in these ruts....I know exactly what you mean (!)

Thanks for your review about the HG cookbook. I think I may have to go out and get one!

Anonymous said...

Dear Honi

I know how you feel. My situation is almost exactly the same. 35 years of trying to lose weight, and now I have almost lost my first 30 pounds, and I have to fight to keep it off.

Let's hope that summer brings us both more opportunity to loss more wieght.