What Kind of Fool Am I

My mother's It's a sign list :

1. You and Steve are married now, (WHAT SHE IS REALLY SAYING) it's a sign from God I am going to die
2. I parallel parked the car for the first time ever , (WHAT SHE IS REALLY SAYING) it's a sign from God I am going to die
3. My children want me to have a nurse after my surgery , they are casting me off.. (WHAT SHE IS REALLY SAYING ) it's a sign from God, I should die now.
4. My oldest daughter does not want me to go the the beach house with her , she is rejecting my demand...request.. (WHAT SHE IS REALLY SAYING it's a sign from God, I should die now.
5. Everything is a sign from God that she is going to die.. and so it goes...

So Friday night Steve and I ride the motorcycle over to mom's I present mom with her Nick and Nora PJs.. My sisters wanted to go in on those with me, one of my Aunts and Uncles wanted to as well.. Mom sees the list of names enclosed with the gift.. it was a sweet note I composed... However she says the following...and I quote : this is ridiculous.. All these people went in on these PJs.. these cost 20.00, how much did they cost? ( I did not tell her but they cost 19.00) WHAT THE FLIP FLOP FLOOZY.. I was shocked.. I could not believe she acted that way .. but alas its my mom... I should not be hurt or surprised.. Not 10 minutes later my sister calls me on my cell phone.. Honi only put yours and my name on the PJS she is going to flip when she sees all those names on the PJs.. I told my sister how hurt I was.. I told my mother she hurt my feelings as well.. ( SHE IS CLUELESS) I would never think that way.. NEVER.. I would be so excited .. PJS how thoughtful.. blah blah blah... but not .. mom.... My sister apologized to me for not getting to me sooner... and all I was thinking prior to giving her the PJs was .. I need to put everyones name on the note so mom will know who to thank.. well.. pluck my feathers and throw me in the deep fryer.. I was so off on this.. I am a FOOL I suppose.. still upset.. and shaking my head.. at my own stupidity that I am upset... then on the way out .. as we were leaving her house.. she thanked me for the PJS.. like she never said any of the stuff earlier.. SHEESH.. I wonder what tomorrow night will bring...

It was funny in a twisted morbid way.... Mom was talking about the signs she is getting .. Steve did not read between the lines... he thought she was being positive.. then I had to explain to him.. Don't you get what she is telling you.. THOSE ARE SIGNS ITS TIME FOR HER TO DIE.. he pish poshes her and the signs.. and once again everything is forgotten.. but not by me.. and when I hug her goodbye... .. sadly.. I am the one who feels the guilt because I feel a little dead inside and I could feel the shame rising in my throat because I was questioning why can't I love my mom more.. I would like too but I guess I love her the best I can... and all she wants to know is what she did wrong.. why my older sister does not want to spend time with her .. why this .. why is that one treating her this way and this one treating her that way.. etc..... .. there was more but I am too tired write about it.. at least in her mind we ended the evening on a good note.. in mine I am asking myself what kind of fool am I ..

Wish me well

Wish you well too...

FRIDAY FACTS

4 Facts about Weight Loss
1. It takes time If you don't have time, do something else instead
2. It means changing your eating habits Nothing else works
3. It does NOT mean eating less It means eating differently
4. The biggest enemy of weight loss is HUNGER Hunger leads to temptation and failure
*Borrowed from Anne Collins ~http://www.annecollins.com/weight_loss_diet.htm
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Fast Food Facts click on links provided at this sight and prepare to get a little queasy...
MORE FAST FOOD FACTS YIKES!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fact: It is a Fact that I have THIS ....Why yes I have dealt with this all my life and went away to boarding school for this .. this will never go away .. this is PART of who I am .. don't ask me to balance your check book, you may not like the results.. (the link provided are the symptoms) I just found this website by the way had no idea anything like this existed .. I think this is mostly for parents who have kids with it and need a diagnosis. Why would I be looking for this.. well here is why.. Harvey Korman passed away yesterday.. When I was in boarding school, my senior year, I had a friend whose mom was on a comittee that promoted research for all learning differences etc.. Harvey Korman was on this comittee and was scheduled to be a guest speaker at one of their events.. I was encouraged to write him a letter and send him some of my poetry.. I did.. and shortly before graduation I recieved a 2 page hand written letter from him.. Telling me that my writing was wonderful.. to go for my dreams.. to not "bellyache" about things not being fair.. nothing ever is... and so forth.. I still have that letter from 1982 going on a search for it this weekend.. May that wonderful man rest in peace.. his humor ( I was an avid Carol Burnett show fan when I was a kid) ~Saw him in all of the Mel Brooks movies he was in.. Blazing Saddles, History of the world part 1 etc... ~His concern for one kid across the USA has stayed with me a life time.. What a good man and wonderful artist ..
Fact: I am not on this planet to clean up everyone's messes or to take responsibility when certain others decide they do not want said responsibility.
Fact: The surgery is serious, and I understand your fear but being irrational does not make this easier for anyone ( thats for mom though I know she will never read this)
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FACT: Over time our bodies will start to sag, fall and change... as long as we strive to be healthy and get a grip now.. that is all okay..
I have a friend who in her early 30s had complete body liposuction sculpting Now in her early 40s soon to be mid 40s her body is changing in ways that are really bothering her. She has been a weight loss warrior all her life too. The surgery changed how her body deposits fat so recently she made the comment I am settling into my old lady body.. I thought to myself.. there is no such thing as "settling into an old lady body" I think more often than not if you treat your body the best you can and strive to have a healthier self.. stronger bones etc... then even as your body ages and things change .. its just a mature body not a negative image like that creates in one's mind.. She went through a very long and hard recovery after that surgery .. I remember it well. Sadly now , she is paying the consequences of that surgery.. She always did things different in the weight loss arena than I did.. She was the first and only person I know to take those pills from years ago.. that do not let you digest fat.. she lost a ton of weight and looked fabulous.. but it got to the point where we would go out to dinner.. she would eat something fatty and in 5 minutes she was was running to the bathroom.. never the less she lost the weight.. she also did nutri system too.. I did nutri system .. never the pills though.. that just was not my style.. I like going the WW route or similiar.. it really helps you adjust to any food circumstance out there.. I will always have issues with food.. no pill or magic potion will ever take that away. Better to learn to adjust and control so I can have long term ( FOREVER) weight loss and a healthier HONI..
SCALE FACTS : Starting ~ 190.4
Last week~ 185.6
This week ~ 183.8 YAY!!!
HERE IS WHAT WW SAYS ABOUT ME:
Weight Loss Profile
START DATE : 4/28/08
Start Weight: 190.4 lbs
10% difference: 171.4 lbs
Weight Goal: 132 lbs
Weight Lost: 6.6 lbs
Have a great weekend..
Wish me well
Wish you well too

THURSDAY RANTS

I had my blood work done.. just a quick overall check yesterday.... Cholesterol overall number 184 Sugar 70 pretty darn good. My nutritionist was running a program for members to have blood work done.. so I wanted to see how things were going internally for a change... I sure have some pretty ruby red blood ( okay that was a wierd comment but that was my thought when she poked me and drew blood. look at that pretty shade of red LOL) . So those results were nice.. I got on the scale Wednesday morning...184.8 official weigh in is tommorow ...I like to check in and just see where I am at sometimes though.. I only scaled myself one time not my usual 3 or more lol.. you know for the same number twice goal..
My nutritionist and myself started chatting about a new program they were bringing to the club.. its the Opti fast program the same one my doctor wanted me to go on.. You fast ( milkshakes and whatnots only about 800 cals a day) then they slowly allow you food once you have reached goal.. My argument to this day is and will always be... what does this teach you about real world eating.. what does this teach you along the way how to handle yourself.????.
Sure .. anyone could lose weight on this program but what are the long term results???.. they say anyone that has a significant amount of weight to lose who loses it in a traditional way usually gains it back anyhow so whats the difference if someone shells out big bucks to go on this program and lose weight..they probably will have the same results as the traditional dieter who gains their weight back anyhow.. Waa... huh...? its a skewed view if you ask me. Sure these programs work..but it seems to me that with out the patient learning along the way how to handle themselves minus not eating..that they will not have long term success .. I guess it really depends on each patient.. Strangly enough though .. I am very pro lap band for anyone with an excess of 100 pounds or more to lose.. but for those folks who have under 100 pounds to lose I still think that traditional programs yield the most success.. The fact is.. speaking as 1 of the million of Fat people out there.. or obese people.. take your pick on wording.. It matters not what program I follow.. success comes when I learn how to handle issues with out eating them away.. success comes when my portions are controlled. Success comes when the underlying issues for over eating are resolved.. Now do all fat people have emotional eating issues??.. probably not. I would say however, that a majority fall in my catagory.. using food as a tool for self pacifying. for gratification, for rewards.. for emotion.. I am sure there are some obese people out there who got that way because they enjoy their chicken friend steak and other fixings every day. I am sure there are obese people out there who simply love to eat for whatever reason and do not care about their size or health and thats fine.. Yes, hopefully, with out offending those folks that are Fat positive or folks in the fat acceptance arena, I am old school.. I believe that if you are with in a healthy weight range you are healthier overall.. I believe that when you carry extra weight it is dangerous for your body. I also read several fat acceptance blogs.. because truthfully they make me feel good. However, I can not deny what I believe at my very core.. that the smaller I am .. the smaller we all are who battle on.. in the long run we will be healthier than not doing anything at all. Not that I am defending myself.. but if being large works for you thats great.. but I do think that for a HUGE majority it does not really work, lets go deeper, not just clothes not fitting.. what about bones aching.. what about not fitting in standard seating on airplanes or other modes of transportation. ?? there are limitations out there the bigger you are.. I have MANY friends out there who work diligently to lose weight.. they have in excess of 100 pounds to lose.. they stumble and get right back up.. their weight loss is small but growing each day.. some have lost a great deal already.. some via surgery, some via traditional programs.. they are my inspiration because in their obesity they saw their limitations.. with out obesity they see that there are no limits.. that really is an inspiration to me watching them change gives me the courage to continue changing no matter what end of the spectrum they are on.. fast losers or slow ones.. they, you inspire me along my way.
I will always believe that our lives are learning experiences from beginning to end..no matter what our strengths or weaknesses there is always room to learn.
For myself, learning how to make these life changes and accepting them as life changes has been harder than I imagined but worth the journey.. I am not even half way there yet.. but up the hill I go.
Wish me well
Wish you well too....
Tommorow is scale day!

WEDNESDAY WANDERINGS

So I was taking my weekly walk onto the web.. and here is what I found..
MEDICAL PRIVACY
DIET RIOT
YOGA CLASS
YOGA PROPS
HEALTHY EATING CLUB *FROM AUSTRALIA*
HEALTHY FRIDGE
FOOD INFO
FOOD SAFETY RESOURCE
FRUIT AND VEGGIES
PRODUCE OASIS
WRITE IT OFF
DIET TALK
DIET WATCH
DELICIOUS DECISIONS
Hope everyone is having a good week..
Trying to prepare for my Mom's 75th birthday party on Saturday night.. here is where dinner is going to be VILLAGE TAVERN I think she was a little upset the way I am doing this.. I am doing this the way we do dinner get togethers..(my generation) everyone pays for themselves.. and if folks want to do a group gift they can.. we are doing a group gift to our synagogue and a few of us got mom a Nick and Nora PJ set which she will get on her actual Birthday . So the previously typed sounds inocuious right? well I had to dig through my mom saying.. I don't deserve a party, no one will come.. please do not do this.. etc etc... ( ITS ALL BULLSHIT she wants a party) ( I am sure she would love a blast at a fancier place and had my dad been alive I am sure we would have had a real shindig.. I had a surprise party for my dad when he turned 75 ... I just can not afford that now.. so I decided to do this instead.. I know she will enjoy herself.. I told her the other day when she started whining about it.. that she needs to shut up, thank me.. and she will enjoy herself and be grateful to the folks that do come.. so far about 20 people of the 22 I invited will be there..Sometimes I just wish things were easier.. bu they never are.. nothing is ever easy... so I do the best I can with what I have and the resources I can create..
Have a happy hump day!
Wish me well
Wish you well too

QUICK FOR TUESDAY

JUST A SHORT HI.. HI!
QUIET AT WORK.. STUFF TO DO.. ( MAIL, PAPERWORK ETC...)
ALL IS WELL...
THIS IS MY SHORTEST POST EVER..
YIKES...
WISH ME WELL
WISH YOU WELL TOO

LUCKY GETS A NEW HOME

This afternoon Lucky found a new home.. she was given to someone I know and that my family knows through business. So I can keep up with her and know she is doing well.. she took right away to the family .. not looking back that much.. There was a very sweet little girl who is this couples granddaughter who said.. " We don't have to take her , we can go home.." as she looked at my husband's sad face. She must have been 4 years old.. she introduced me to her baby doll... just a loving and sweet little girl who Lucky seemed to really like.. i just felt so badly for Steve...He kept encouraging me to find good home.. and I mentioned Lucky to this person.. He was very interested and called me this afternoon. Lucky will have her own back yard.. she will be allowed in the house and will have children to play with as well. Though it was hard for Steve .. and for myself.. but worse for him since he spent more time with her.. we know we did the right thing... I just felt so horrible knowing that this made Steve so sad yet comforted too knowing he knows we did the right thing for Lucky.. the nice thing is we can keep up with her as well.. We did rescue her, see that she was up to date on all shots as well as spayed. She also is crate and leash trained as well as house trained... We did a Mitzvah ( good thing) and that is all that matters. Yet I still feel guilty.. oh well...

wish me well

wish you well too..

YESTERDAY: NO ROOT CANAL and a offical CROWNING IN a couple weeks..TODAY: SCALE NEWS..

So the solution to the question and the question being my mother... simply there is no solution to her behavior now.. Right now.. I have to turn the this and focus on me. I have had a good eating week and non exercising week. We might go for a walk tonight.. I am hoping on this, although it does look stormy out. .
Yay Honi no replay or dejavue of last summer.. NO ROOT CANAL FOR NOW!.. my dentist put in a filling in the second tooth.. and preped the back tooth for its corination.. I had to have two shots though so my jaw is kinda achey right now but otherwise I am in good shape..
On the scale front:

STATS

STARTING WEIGHT: 190.4

LAST WEEK'S WEIGHT : 186.8

CURRENT WEIGHT : 185.6

TOTAL LOSS :1.2

Steve just said this is so slow.. and I agree it has taken me 4 weeks to lose 4.8 pounds.. shesh.. but I guess its going in the right direction.. so thats what matters.. a pound a week.. 52 pounds a year.. so thats okay..

AS USUAL I AM CHANGING MY PLANS I DO NOT THINK I AM GOING TO LIMIT MY WEB WANDERINGS TO WEDNESDAY .. AS I FIND STUFF.. YOU KNOW ME I JUST GOTTA SHARE... SO TAKE A PEEK:

PERSONAL MD

HEALTHOLOGY

MEDLINE PLUS

HEALTHYCHOICE

HEALTHY SELF MANAGEMENT

HEALTHY SCOUT

SHAPE UP AMERICA

STRETCH

OPRAH DOES ANOTHER DIET ***more power to her.. she can try everything will all of her help etc.. but the truth is.. and each of us knows that singular truth.. that it is really about eating 3 healthy meals a day .. a couple of snacks and exercising.. old fashioned common sense.. it is slow.. it is frustrating.. but it is the best way.. not that I am plugging WW because I am on it.. but I want for nothing when it comes to eating.. I vary my menu plan.. so there is nothing I really miss.. THE ONLY THING I AM NOT GOOD AT IS EXERCISING>> I EVEN HAVE THE WATER THING DOWN...Eliminating certain food groups is not the way to lose weight.. I know .. I know what you are thinking I have business saying that.. look at me .. I am no model of health.. nor a diet guru. Yet to me, in the long run eating in moderation and PORTION CONTROL and Exercising just seems to make the most sense.. When you cut out food groups unless it is medically necessary .. your biggest cravings fall into that food group.. Done it.. Know it.. and wishing her the best....

WELL HAVE A VERY HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND !

WISH ME WELL

WISH YOU WELL TOO!

DETAILS AND TOMMOROW THE SCALE

So the date is set now.. Mom's official surgery date will be as it was orginally.. July 15th. My family sees no reason to alter their schedules in coming to visit.. My uncle's wife did however agree with me that that is too much at one time and they are going to come in after her surgery to help.. I thought that was really nice and I hope it comes to fruition..
Recalling when my dad passed away I worked for a big company at that time.. and it was easier for the boss to let me miss all that time. Now I work for a small private practice.. so it is not the same job.. there are only two of us here.. that is me and the doctor.. So.. now things are different.. and it is a huge issue what will happen during mom's recovery.. I can NOT miss a lot of work. It is not right nor fair to my boss.. She depends on me to run the front office. we are a team. I respect her very much and she is also my friend. I know how serious my mother's surgery is.. and family does come first.. but it seems to me that my siblings do not get that . Once again when i need them the most .. to help.. they go back to their lives..My middles sister takes care of her mother in law who has dementia.. so I understand that it is important for her to not be gone long.. but my older sister.... well she really could be there if she wanted.. yes she sort of helps out with her elderly inlaws but they have help.... This is her mom.. and she is going to be here when it is good for her and thats it. There is no telling anyone anything... my mother still won't deal with the nurse issue.. and people say just do it.. and I simply can not. I wish it was simple it would make it easier.. I am doing some serious praying for answers dealing with her.. and how to make this all go smoother.. see everyone has great ideas.. but then .. they are not really looking at the facts.. and really remembering my mom.. as I have said if it were me I would want a nurse.. just to make sure everything was okay... well I just called the doctors office.. I am suppose to go with mom to her doctors appointment on June 16th.. I asked that the doctor talk to mom about the nurse situation. she will listen to him.... and not to me. Maybe I am just not strong willed enough.. or maybe I am trying to please her .. I don't know.. I just know I am so stressed about all of this.. that I have a constant headache.. and I could eat my way through hell and back ( WHICH I HAVE NOT AT ALL) it seems in a way .. I have to fight her demons per say.. and fight mine as well.. I know the roles have changed.. I just wish I had a more agreeable mother.. and then I wonder if it is me who is just stirring the pot that maybe she should not have a nurse.. that maybe we should do this the way she wants.
SO in the midst of this great storm that I feared.. for so long.. how do I help myself.???. how to do I prevent turning to food for comfort.. by behaving like this in my blog.. ? by repeating basically the same story over and over.. by crying ? how do I release this stress? exercise helps for a minute.. food helps for as long as I eat but thats pretty lame...I don't want to walk in old paths.. I want to make a new path for dealing with this or any type of stress.. I don't want to walk through the jungle of food.. only to find myself fatter and more unhappy and unhealthy.. I want a different fresher path.. I want something that comforts me and helps me be strong.. and allows me to vent my frustration as I need to vent.... I don't choose to turn to food this time. I don't want to eat this all away.. because the real cold fact is I can never really eat this away.. it is there.. and it will be real in a few short weeks.. and wether I want to believe this or not I can make the outcome for myself in how I deal with it. I don't have to turn to food.. food is not an option.. Faith, Family ( all though aside from Steve and some aunts and uncles and a few cousins that is debateable) and Friends.. thats the path I will choose.. I will turn there for my comfort and though it won't be as numbing and fast as food is.. it will be more rewarding and calorie free and will last for the long run.
Tomorrow is weigh in..
Wish me well
Wish you well too

YOU GUYS ARE MY FRIENDS SO BE HONEST

DOES THIS BIKINI MAKE MY BUTT LOOK BIG!!??

WEDNESDAY WANDERINGS ON THE WEB

ON Wednesdays I am going to start posting websites of interest as well as blogs of interest too. I figure it will be a fun break from the drone of my typical stuff.
Here is a interesting place to start..
I googled WIZARD of WEIGHT LOSS and here is what came up :
DIET BITES some old tidbits and some weird tidbits too..
Hmm the rest was scam after scam after scam..
Another interesting site was this.. on the level and interesting..
MAKING LIFE BETTER
Here is a site sponsored by PBS
A question was presented to a group of kids..
Read their answers HERE.. this makes me sad
This makes me Happy .. Weight Watcher Smart ones coupons and more
This is a little silly.. and I think I posted this once before FAD DIET DOT COM
DIET QUOTES
FUNNY DIET TIPS
OLD DAYS WEIGHT WATCHER'S RECIPE CARDS
That is it for Wednesday
Wish me well
Wish you well too

TUESDAY ... IS IT FRIDAY YET???

SIGH.......................... so is it Friday yet....? I guess not.. it is still Tuesday.. which for the most part is okay ... Today it should not be too frustrating at work....

We ended up not having that great dinner I had planned.. I got home later than expected from work Yesterday so tonight we are doing the grilled shrimp and corn on the cob.. Last night it was left over pasta for me and a sandwich for Steve.. it was too late to walk by the time I got home also... I hate those later days... Tonight I will leave the office at 530 and get home, we can walk and have a nice Dinner and watch AI.. It is the two Davids... I am thinking David Cook is going to win just because of age and maturity.. and performance ability.. I don't see him as very engaging with the audience.... neither is David A. .. but he is still at that awkward stage of finding out who he is etc... on the other hand I would love to see the him win just because he is so young and very talented..
Still dealing with the mom issue... not sure what will happen there.. everyone has their reasons and plans.. too me it just seems as if no one wants to be here for the messy stuff.. Everyone has an excuse... viable or not. To me ... it is still an excuse... Seems I always get the messy part of things when it comes to my family.. My mom's recovery after the accident.. me.. and moms housekeeper.. ( who is so much more than a housekeeper.. she is a really a saint... ) At that time I had a boss who paid me and took me off my job for nearly 2 months so I could take care of mom.. he paid my health insurance and my paycheck for nearly 2 months with out me being at work. He closed the office the day of Dad's funeral and had every one attend.. Do you know, I was so angry at my dad for being killed... I was so angry at first that he left me with this huge mess and did not tell me how to handle things.. I had asked him not too long before his death.. in the event that something were to happen what do I do.. he told me not to worry about it.. So you see.. when someone tells me not to worry about things.. BIG THINGS.. I tend to just tune out now.. I am a person who needs a plan.. who functions better when there is a master plan.. BUt I had no plan then.... I did what people told me to do.. and I was mad.. and angry and hurt... and dealing with mom's injuries and never really having a proper grieving time for my dad. I had to slap it all together and run... thank God for my boss .. he did take great care of me at that time.. and Thank God for Steve.. he was there too.. he was my rock.. I would not have survived it all had it not been for him.. SO now.. though not as tragic... we deal with life.. as mom faces this surgery.. I know she is fearful.. I know she wants Dad here to take care of her.. but I wish she could see that life is different now.. and wishing for the past does not change the now or the future... that somehow . .with in you .. you have to find it to accept how things are .. and the changes that happen.. She is still fighting the idea of having a nurse.. I really do not understand that at all.. Oh well.. I guess it will all work out in the long run.. I keep imagining things in my head.. either I will move in with her for a week.. ( NOT GOOD FOR ME AT ALL and really not good for her either) ( then she will get needy and whiney when it is time for me to go back home ) .. I think my family thinks that is what I am going to do.. after all.. after dad died they were anticpating I would move in with mom to take care of her.. SCREW ME and MY LIFE!!!!.... obviously I never did that... It is not that I do not want to take care of her.. my mom.. well.. she can be... well... difficult... its complicated. I sound pretty selfish here.. I know this about her.. and what she will be dealing with.. but I also know how things played out the last time she had heart surgery.. Everyone walked away.. Dad traveled for work... my sisters went back to their lives.. and there I was .. right there in the thick of it.. oh well... I will just deal with what comes.. and use this blog to its fullest potential.. and maybe this time .. I can save myself... I know I have Steve.. but I just never ever want to abuse that.. he is far to precious to me to ever do that too..
It is a sunny day outside.. hopefully it will not be too hot today...
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

VERY SHORT AND VERY SWEET AND DEJA VU

WELL ... SEEMS I am about to relive the summer of '07.... ROOT CANAL HELL.. hopefully not... Went to the dentist.. Everything is great but the tooth next to the tooth ( actually no tooth) that was pulled last summer.. seems it shifted over and has a fracture.. Seems I need a crown.. and I am not even a queen or a princess.... So Thursday I go to have the priliminaries done .. just like last year... as long as there is no problem .. the tooth gets crowned and the tooth next to that one might need a new filling... so all that would happen on Thursday with me being offically crowned in 2 weeks.. * hey you can make just about anything sound special if ya try..* .. and on the flipside of hell.. here we go again... I also have to have a blood test in July to see if I am A offical menapasual woman.. WHOOO HOOO.. Joy.. YIKEs.... and am still trying to deal with moms impending heart surgery July 15th.. here is the frame work of it all.. All family.. sisters and cousins are converging on my mothers house the weekend prior to her surgery .. her surgery is July 15th.. everyone is going to leave July 16th.. I am not a happy camper about this.. no one is sticking around for the most important time .. her recovery.. I mentioned getting a nurse and my mother got upset.. she said it makes her feel like a castaway old person because I want to get her a nurse... I HAVE TO WORK NO ONE GETS THIS !!!!!!!!!! but my myself and my husband!!!.. Mom has a wonderful woman who keeps her house .. and who raised me..she will be there too.. but I dont feel its fair to dump everything on her.. and also on me.. Last time mom has surgery Dad was alive. The world spun and dad is gone now..I told mom we will do what the doctor says .. if he says you need a nurse then we are getting her a nurse to stay with her at night at least for the first week at home.. she is not happy about this development at all.. i am assuming she is assuming I was going to stay with her the whole time..I know by what she said to me.. when I mentioned the nurse.. " I am sorry for ruining your plans.. I should just die that would be the best thing.. I dont want to live " so .. here is my world.. last night .. I went into the closet.. ( my pc is there) and I cried.. I silently sobbed to myself and felt resentful and angry.. and trapped... I did not want Steve to see me cry.. its not fair to dump my feelings on him either.. I wanted to drown.. I wanted to drown in Chocolate.. but I did not.. I just cried.. and cried.. and eventually felt better.. I think Steve could tell I was crying.. ( puffy eyes and a red nose kinda gives that away) he knows I am so stressed about this.. of course I am concerned about my mom.. but I am also concerned about me... I know what I did the last time she had heart surgery.. I spent the nights with her in the hosptial... I ate the icecream sandwiches.. I tried to eat my pain and fear and sadness away... but Steve keeps saying .. now its different I have him.. and things will be fine... for me not to worry.. then why I am so torn up on the inside if things are going to be fine.. Why am I scared... why am I resentful.. why am I angry???
Tonight after work and before a dinner of grilled shrimp and fresh corn... we are going for a walk.. and then I will have my WW chocolate ice cream dessert.. because I can ..
I decided to back off of the almonds for a week.. too see if that helps.. I am getting my water in.. and doing everything correctly .. so I should have a good weigh day Friday...
Well I said I was keeping this short and I have managed to ramble on..
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

Borderline Dissapointment

So I am trying not to see this as a dissapointment.. fact is we did not exercise at all this week.. this is TOM though I actually really started today..my hunger level was high.. I used 10 of my bonus points during the week.. and I had a serious cinnamon brown sugared almond fetish this week. I am eliminating the almonds this coming week, and doing some type of exercise at least 4 times during the coming week thats my plan... My water intake is really good and my food choices other than over indulging in the almonds has not been bad at all .. so you are saying.. Honi, why are you borderline dissapointed... this week..
Remember last week I had that fight with the scale.. Got on it several time before I accepted the weight...lol wanted the weight to match at least 2 times..so I weighed 186 but it moved all around 187. whatever.. long story short I gained 3/4ths of a pounds.. I know its TOM.. and I know what I did that was wrong this week too..
Starting weight: 190.4

Last week's weight : 186

Current weight: 186.8

Goal : 132

Yes, I know it could have WORSE.. and yes I know I have never had a weight loss during a TOM week... so I guess I should feel good.. but truth be told I want more.. and I guess if I want more I have to work harder and tune up the areas where I am a little weak .. i.e. EXERCISE ...

It is rather odd though I don't feel that bloated yucky feeling today.. I don't FEEL like I am retaining water or anything.. fact is I feel pretty darn good and was hoping for a little loss .. oh well.....OKAY ALL TOGETHER NOW>>> THE POUNDS ON THE SCALE DON"T NECCESARLY SHOW ALL THE CHANGES YOUR BODY IS GOING THROUGH AS YOU GET YOURSELF TO A HEALTHIER WEIGHT !!

SO see I know these things logically..

Today was weigh in #3....

Here is looking at week 4 and maybe I will hit the 5 pound mark..

what is it that I always say... oh yeah.. SLOW AND STEADY WIN THE RACE.. and what is that that I always say...IT! is.. NOT A RACE but a LIFE TIME.and of course I know that if i lose between a pound (or so) and 2 pounds a week.. this time next year I will have lost at least 52 pounds.. so by next May I should be totally at my goal.. which well.. when I think about it.. is the Healthy thing.. and not a bad thing..

~~OFF WE GO~~

WISH ME WELL

WISH YOU WELL TOO

HAVE A SUPER WEEKEND!

FIBERLICIOUS , and all SORTS OF THINGS for THURSDAY...

Yeah.. like you I know that feeling well.. sort of bloated .. a bit gassy.. feeling.. you ate some carrots.. maybe had a fiber one bar during the day.. you ate some fruit.. and now you have that uncomfortable feeling ... To Fiber or not to Fiber??. For those of us that are not big on fruit or veggies or anything fiberous.. well.. we have to build up to eating fiber.. adding daily to our eating.. so that our bodies do not react in a manner which we feel is uncomfortable. Drinking a lot of water helps I have found. I am not sure exactly why I just know it works.. So when I have a fiber one bar I drink water and don't seem to have any issues.. it is the same with fresh fruits or anything that is higher in fiber... here are some interesting articles on just how good Fiber is for you.. also its time to bring Peanut Butter out of the closet.. while PB2 is good so is old fashioned Peanut butter in moderation...

take a look Peanut Butter.. Funny how one week its good for you .. the next week its bad for you..
Help with the Grocery List even Deli meats.. can be a bit healthier and quick sandwich stuffers for lunch...
Truth is, that by carefully perusing the internet there are so many options out there.. and choices too... peruse and explore what is right beneath your fingers.. type away and find new ideas to make this journey even more tasty..
Its not just the food my friends.. garner new exercises.. no ideas on motivation and movement.. its all right here...
Well Tommorow is weigh day..
Wish me well
Wish you well too

WEDNESDAY WANDERINGS

Something I noticed.. Yesterday nearly all the blogs I visited either someone was getting a visit from TOM or TOM was Exiting or they were waiting for TOM... I am the later.. so I know women that work together or that are around each other a lot usually have similar cycles.. but woman who blog together??? could be coincidence or what?? lol just a thought...

Since I am in a thinking mood A while back I discovered this program.. For those having a hard time figuring what program to try .. check this out..CHANGE ONE DIET.

This week is harder than I thought it would be.. I am HUNGRY!!!!.. (HUNGRY!! HUNGRY!! HUNGRY!! HUNGRY!!)

wow check the echo out.. .. I have been logging my food and using my extra points a bit at a time. I am craving chocolate.. red meat.. chocolate and red meat.. and then some red meat and chocolate.. ohhhh and not together.. I might like unusual food combos but thats not one.. The protein is helping ... and the chocolate.. well that always helps.. Speaking of chocolate ... hmmm we like these by WW for only 2 points.. they make nice chocolate desserts in the evening.. hmm yum...

And so it goes.. Today was a much better work day than yesterday .. had a few issues but all smoothed out in the end... Just want to slide into the weekend.. Not that I wish my life away .. but so far this week has been a bust.. Eating is really good.. Exercise not so good.. just want that lady to come and go.. Sunday back on the pill.. YAY... then this horriblemoan stuff will go away .. YAY again!!

Wish me well

Wish you well too....

WARNING SIGNS THAT THE LADY WITH THE RED LUGGAGE IS COMING FOR A VISIT

CHOCOLATE ~ BECOMES A MEAL
CHOCOLATE ~ BETTER THAN SEX ( not really but ya know what I mean)
ANYTHING IS A GOOD REASON FOR A CRY ~ COTTONELLE COMERCIAL WITH THE CUTE DOGGIE~
Realizing how once she surprised you
You hated her for a while
You worried about her when she did not show up on time
You talked about her behind her back with your girlfriends and cursed her to no end.
You were glad when she finally showed up and relieved when she left
Sometimes she can be a pain even before she arrives
All the things that usually never bother you suddenly roar in your face.
If someone says hi to you the wrong way you cry.
If someone does not say hi to you, you cry
If someone says hi to you , you cry..
Well I guesss you know why I am writing about her.. she is coming for a visit at the end of the week.. and BOY is she letting that be known.. I woke up with a WHOPPING HEADACHE THIS MORNING.. and I am stuck on HUNGRY no matter what I eat.. Trying to get some extra protien in so that will help stave off my hunger. For me thats the worst part of having her visit.. I tend to get weepy, headaches and VERY HUNGRY... so if you happen to run into me this week.. say hi to me.. but say it the right way ( WHATEVER THAT IS) and don't mind me if I start tearing up for no reason.. and if you happen to have a cheeseburger in your purse.. or .. uhmmm CHOCOLATE may I have some please!!!!!
Wish me well
wish you well too..
*** From my last post regarding the note to the Doctor.. for the record.. I have a really cool doctor.. who has always been full of advice and thoughts and has asked me questions to help him work with other overweight patients. I did however have a run in with a doctor ( bone doc) who told me to not walk up steps after I had carefully explained that my house has steps and that unless I put a ladder up and crawl through a window I would not be able to enter my house..dude was clueless..

WHAT DOCTORS SHOULD NOT SAY TO A FAT PATIENT

Originally I was going to make this a bit humorous but after doing some research well I will let this essay speak for itself PART 1: FAT HATRED KILLS
PART 2 : FAT HATRED KILLS ..
I am still not quiet sure if being angry at the doctor because of her Mother's death is the right placement of that anger.. The whole things was of sad.. her mom just wanted to live quietly and the shame that can accompany obesity is one of the worst feelings in the world.
I dread going to the doctor and getting on the scale.. I have dreaded it all my life and will dread it no matter how small I am or how large I am.
I wonder about the doctor that says to a fat patient.. .. do you realize you are obese? and my first thought.. is .. No really? I would never have known that with out your asshatability to enlighten me. Instead of simply treating the obese patient as a normal person who is large.. the doctor in some cases treats the patient as if they have a mental deficit.
So here is my note to the doctor:
DOCTOR,
One of the most important things you MUST DO is treat me with RESPECT , the respect that I treat you with , simply because you are human.
Trust me on this doctors.. Patients know if they are over weight or not.. People know their size . Talk to me about why I am there.. Talk to me about things pertaining to whatever issue I am having.. if you feel the need to remind me that by losing weight I would feel much better.. chances are I know this.. Because I am a capable adult if I want your advice about weight loss .. I will ask you .. no prompting needed. I am obese , I know this about myself.. your reminding me is a waste of time. If we discuss weight.. listen to me.. if I tell you my knees hurt.. and we both know it is due to my obesity.. thats a good time to discuss .. ~You know if you lose weight consider this, that just by losing 1 pound of fat you are releasing nearly 4 pounds of pressure on your knees.~. Telling me not to walk up steps when I have told you that my house has steps is a waste of time. Read me .. look at my body language.. do I feel uncomfortable with you.. or do I look you in the eye and listen to what you have to say to me. If you know.. and most people know when someone is uncomfortable.. Help me to feel more comfortable.. Don't stare at me with disapproving eyes. Don't tell me not to come see you again unless I lose 50 or however many pounds. Your job is not to judge me but to help me be as healthy as I can be regardless of my weight.. You are not GOD.. though some patients may worship you.. I do not .. you are a man or woman with a medical degree and I am paying you to help me.. not judge me. I realize you get aggravated when you know a patient is non compliant. .. why not talk to that patient . .. if my non compliancy is making things worse for me.. tell me.. tell me that you can not help me unless I help myself if need be. Just do not look at me like I disgust you.. I am the same as you only larger and with out the medical degree. We are all people.. all with flaws of different degrees. We are all people with our own addictions.. or indulgences . Talk to me.. don't talk to my fat.
Most Sincerely,
A Patient.
Wish me well
Wish you well too

I DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE FAT

There are all these dialogues out there in the stratosphere of our minds.. that produce AH HA moment... It dawned on me recently that I did not choose to be fat.. just like I did not choose to be 4 foot 11 inches tall.. I can not change my height but I can change my weight.. I can alter that.. but still I did not choose to be fat.. You out there are saying.. C'mon Honi, if you had not eaten to hell and back and then back again you would not be in this predicament.. be honest.. Honi you choose to be fat because you choose to over eat.. well to a point that is true.. I do enjoy my food.. I do love a good place to eat.. I do enjoy a good meal with family and friends.. I do love to cook.. so in a way I guess I chose this, because the result of the above mentioned activities did increase my size. Yet at the core I still say I did not choose this. I did not choose to be fat.. and I can change this. I have been Fat forever.. I came out fat.. My mom gained 12.6 pounds with me during her pregnancy ( DIET PILLS WILL DO THAT TO A PERSON, ya back in '62 seems the doctors did not want you to gain much weight so they put pregnant women on diet pills.. and I felt the side affects ~ADD, ADHD and LD~ ( those were not my choices either and I deal with them every day) I was 8.6 of those 12.6 pounds my mom gained with me. There are baby pictures of my chunky thighs , my baby round belly, then my toddler thighs, and toddler belly, my kid thighs, my kid belly, my teen thighs, my teen belly, my teen butt, my adult thighs, my adult belly, and adult butt. all too large. There were drifts of time where I weighed less.. and then like little storms the weight built back up.. the walls built back around.. and the real me was hidden.. once again. behind layers and layers of fat. The reasons the weight came on.. really do not matter.. the result is the weight came back on by my over eating.. yet I still do not believe that I choose to be Fat.. this is the consequence of my actions...
Steve keeps asking me why I do not want to do Nutri System, aside from the simple fact that it would cost me $293.75 every month .. I do not want .. nor do I choose to alter my life to that extreeme.. with these programs.. and I know I did Nutri System when they had local centers.. you eat pre packaged and portioned out food. which in theory is great .. however, you cant go out to dinner with friends.. or you can go and not eat.. you can't share a meal ( Steve and I always do that) and to me the food was not all that tasty. Sure the weight will come off VERY FAST but what happens after.. Steve says .. I will not let you gain it back.. and I say PISH POSH on that .. if after 45 years no one has been able to stop me from over eating or gaining weight back, he would not be able to do that at all.. and I do not think I will have developed the habits and coping skills I will need to be successful.. I am tired of being on the trying path.. I want to be on the success and maintain path.. I hear it has some hills and curves but that once you get there its really lovely.. sure.. there will be bad things that happen there.. but perhaps by then I will not feel the over whelming desire to turn to food.. what if this time I turn to people.. I was really frustrated Wednesday night.. I sent my Cousin and email and I felt better.. I wanted to jump in a vat of chocolate.. but I did not .. I stayed OP and moved on.. the problem never went away.. but I did not choose food to sooth it with.. so that was a really nice thing.. I voiced how I felt and everything turned out okay.. ..
I did not choose to be fat... I WILL change this!
Now on to the world of my quest to find either the funniest diets or sometimes just the most interesting diets.. below you will find two examples of the INTERESTING DIETS:
***IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED OR EMBARASSED now is the time to exit this post****

A PLATEFUL OF PLEASURE
and
THE SEX DIET
That's it for a Saturday have a great weekend and a delightful Mother's Day..
Wish me well
Wish you well too

PIVOTAL THOUGHTS

• I think I might actually like Yoplait Thick and Creamy 100 calorie Strawberry yogurt.. and I always thought myself a Vanilla girl.. hmmm yeah.. I think I like it..
• I actually like drinking water
• I actually like doing some type of exercise
• I still do not like thunderstorms nor will I ever
• Cookie agrees with me regarding thunderstorms
• I like discovering interesting recipes like this one
• I like reading this blog POST SECRETS
• Her work out DVDs Rock

I found something that really hits home with me it is a quote from Hillel

Hillel says, "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?" Ethics of the Fathers, 1:14

When I look at the phrase it makes me think and ask myself.. If I do not do this for me.. who will do it.. who will see to it that I reach my goal.. ONLY ME.. that being selfish in this case is okay but that I would never forget those who share my struggles , I encourage them as they encourage me. Finally it is time.. time to stop procrastinating .. time to quit waiting for this or that to happen.. there are no guarentess on this planet.. how long we have.. what will happen in that time.. all we as individuals can control is this very second that we have.. so .. if we keep waiting to make these changes.. then.. well nothing changes.. so why not.. why wait.. WHY NOT NOW?..

Eating wise this week.. its all been good though I did not exercise as much as I wanted too I still did okay.

So Here we are at weigh in.. and here are the Facts.. nothing but the facts..

Before I give stats... I have a question for you ,when you weigh how often do you step on the scale.??. I have a digital scale that I step on until I get the same weight twice.. in other words I got on the scale this morning and first it had me at 187 then I got on again and it had me at 185.4 then I got on again and it had me at 186 then I got on again and it had me at 186 so I figured since I weighed that twice that was the most accurate.. Am I nuts for doing it that way?

START 4/28/08: 190.4

LAST WEEK'S WEIGHT: 188

TODAY'S WEIGHT :186

GOAL : 132

Wish me well

Wish you well too

WHO IS YOUR SUPPORT

As I peruse around the blogs and messages boards.. I am surprised to see how many people do not have the support they need from spouses or significant others.. I am a little baffled by that . You would think the person that is suppose to love you the most would want the best for you. My husband is my greatest fan. No matter how many times I have tried and failed.. he rallies with me and helps again when I am ready to take a leap. Sure he gets frustrated with me.. I get frustrated with me.. but he is my support system.. along with our pups.. He keeps me going and gives me encouragement and goes grocery shopping with me. I simply could not imagine being on this journey with out him.. I know I could do it by myself.. but having the support is really nice.. as is having each of your support too. I have read a lot of stories about spouses both male and female .. sabatoging healthy initatives by the spouse trying to make changes. That is sad and wrong.. Each of us should always want the best for those we love. I can understand fear though.. Fear of change.. fear that the person going through the change might not love you the same way once they have reached goal. Perhaps even the fact that the spouse who made the changes now gets attention they did not have before.. that can feel threatening too I am sure.. I know a lot of marriages that do not survive weight loss.. however those marriages were in deeper trouble prior to the weight loss. People can change their attitude about anything.. When you are together with your spouse as they make changes it might spur you to do the same thing or not.. If you have a strong foundation.. and a healthy marriage then that spouse who made themselves healthier is only a bonus to that marriage. Thats how my husband looks at it I think.. He looks at it as a benefit for him.. It allows us to do more.. and be more active the healthier I am.. and the healthier he is. A win win situation if you ask me. I hope each of you has a supportive friend or spouse as you travel along getting to a healthier you..
Tommorow is weigh day..
WISH ME WELL
WISH YOU WELL TOO

MISSED OUT ON THIS and other THOUGHTS

INTERNATIONAL NO DIET DAY I guess that is a good thing.. if it works for you.. I have always said diets do not work.. it is about long term eating habits that change to fit a new lifestyle its about ASSUMING a new you.. ASSUMING new HABITS.. and Getting yourself healthier... so .. any thoughts on International No Diet Day which was yesterday and is apparently every May 6th
...I am a little .. well not really blue.. but well maybe blue?? seems Nutri Sytem and Jenny Craig keep being tossed at me.. I am being asked why aren't I doing those programs instead.. look at Queen Latifah.. (She is being paid a ton of money too..) and look at so and so on Nutri System.. I did Nutri System.. I did lose 50 pounds in less than 6 months but I also lost my gall bladder too.. and I really wonder if eating pre packaged foods at every meal is that good good for you.. I never liked Jenny Craig and Nutri System was okay I guess.. I dunno.. it just makes me feel unsettled.. sort of like once again I took the wrong path.. truth be told those other programs are hundreds of dollars and now I am doing something Steve can sort of do with me .. and I like it like that.. I like us sort of doing this together.. I like him asking me about points.. I like walking with him .. I enjoy this.. and if I follow it I will get my weight off.. who the hell am I trying to convince here.. me? I dunno.. oh well...Even one of my sister's jumped on that band wagon.. too.. sheesh .. I just have to feel postive about my choice .. and I hate teeter tottering.. you know what I mean???
Here is an interesting Link HEALTHY WEIGHT NETWORK... Well time to go post my food for the day..****** I went back to my WW site and actually found some good message boards.. I apparently was just in the wrong area.. I am glad I went back and searched some more******
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

SSGU support, strength, guidance, understanding

Not a day goes by that I do not thank God for my friends out there .. who comment on my blog.. who support me .. give me strength, guidance and and understanding.. sometimes when I do not even understand myself.

You each are a great resources of information as well.. as I take the steps necessary to make these changes.. What brings all of this up for me... is that I have been perusing the Weight Watcher Boards.. and while I think that too is a nice support area... I guess I am just clicking on the wrong message boards because..I just have not found the umbrella I was hoping to find there.. you know.. more help and ideas regarding WW.. its seems like a pretty young crowd on there too...I dunno maybe I am just not the message board type.. .. I like it here .. in my blog.. where you guys come and visit and stay a while.. and if you have a comment you leave one.. if not.. you read me and move on.. thats cool too.

I am going to try and post my food log here from time to time I figured out that I could print it since I can not copy it directly.. and after I print it I can scan and save it and set it in my blog...

We took a good walk last night I need to post a picture where we walk too.. eventually I will get around to that.. for now you will have to settle on a picture of Lucky doing what Lucky does..

can you see the chair she has been chewing on... right there to your left.. (Lucky's right) ..

Wish me well

Wish you well too

ASSUMING A WHOLE NEW IDENTITY

Interesting, Hanlie said making these changes is like changing your identity.. a whole new Identity .. hmm I thought about that for a while and I like that idea.. maybe its a way to view things and let the old stuff go.. the wondering why I scavenge when I know I have eaten.. the having to remind myself I have eaten when two hours later my head is going.. so .. uhmmm how about a snack Honi? Do you think by assuming a whole new identity.. that I could shake the old ways.. or are they so deeply a part of me do I just make a tune up and move on? and everytime they appear just remind myself.. you have eaten you are not really hungry.. this is stress talking.. seems stress talks to me a lot lately.. and it is really for now little things.. like the new pup.. she is about to wear any patience I have out.. she has literally eaten everything out on the deck, a camp chair is now minus an arm, 3 outside rugs are partially eaten because of her.. and one of the patio chairs has a partially eaten seat.. nothing terribly expensive yet.. and yes she has plenty of chew toys... she also uses Cookie as a chew toy and I have no idea why Cookie wont fight back.. all I know is that when we get after Cookie she gets very upset she can not stand for us to be angry with her.. so all I can think is.. that she lets Lucky do whatever she wants to her because she is afraid if she fights back or plays too rough.. we will get upset with her ... it really bothers me the way Lucky is so aggressive with her.. I have seen her grab cookie by the neck and try to shake her.. I do jump in then .. I clap loudly and tell Lucky a sharp and loud NO... Steve is pretty suckered by her.. she snuggles up to him... follows him around and every now and then even listens when he calls her name.. if I did not know better I would swear she was a cat... in fact I think she thinks she is.. did I tell you about the table outside she climbs on and lays on??.. yeah our nice mosaic table this mutt likes to lay on because she thinks she is too good to lie on the deck.. I am still hoping to place her in a single dog home..and if she harms Cookie .. she is gone.. .. we had a great home for.. with a little boy to play with and everything.. .. and its a absolutely pathetic why she did not go .. if you want to know.. email me @ honib1@aol.com and I will email you the WHOLE STORY.... anyhow.. food wise .. its all been good.. I have been walking in the neighborhood.. here is the addition to what I have been doing.. M-Th. walking outside.. Sat and Sunday .. either yoga or stability ball dvd.. Leslie Sansone has some dvds out that are great.. and not to hard to do but you get a nice work out.... and don't feel awkward or silly learning the positions.. so I am looking forward to that.. I don't do well in groups I prefer to exercise alone... it works better for me.. I can challenge myself rather than trying to be like someone else... so thats where I am at right now for a Monday..
Still trying to figure the inside workings out.. still trying to adjust my way of thinking and reminding myself that I do not have to turn all emotion to food.. that I can think and feel.. and it is all okay..
Wish me well
wish you well too
Hey if ya wanna win a bicycle.. click HERE

The Tides of Change

I wanted to know why last night I walked around the kitchen at my mom's house looking for something to nosh on ... when I had had a nice dinner not 2 hours prior at our synagogue..I wanted to know why old monsters run rampant in my brain and do not leave .. ever... why are old habits like old clothes.. soft and comfortable...I wanted to know.. why I start and why I stop.. why don't I take the all the way to the end.. I wanted to know why I have been fat the better part of my life.. why did i choose this as my vice..what did I find so exceptional about eating that I never could control it.. I would rein it in from time to time .. and in my life I have lost 20 pounds... 30 pounds.. 45 pounds.. 50 pounds.. and then I turn around and march right back into the same old clothes.. the same old places.. the same old food.with the same old results.. why .. and the answer was simple.. there is no why.. there is no how come.. there is no answer.. there is only now.. and this is a tide of change.. is the permenant .. I don't know.. I am praying for that. I will work for that.. but after 45 years I am a bit jaded... 45 years.. first diet at 10 years old.. 35 years I have been fighting a single war... I have never lost completely but I have never won fully... It might be a hard concept for those of you who have only had weight issues in their adult life... but those of you who have been here all of your life.. know this .. and know how it feels... I want to shed this.. and this time I will try once again to shed it... I am not defeated .. I have never been defeated only side tracked for a while.. and what makes this different from all the the other times... well in the other times I gained all the weight back plus.... this time I gained 5 pounds back of the 30 I lost.. I have lost 2.4 of those pounds.. and now I am going to go forward.. and hopefully not get side tracked again...
Have a great weekend
Wish me well
Wish you well too

FRIDAY and its a HUNGRY GIRL DAY, EXACTLY WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH PB2 and my MUSHROOM OMELETTE

OKAY shortest book review EVER!!!!.. GET THE HUNGRY GIRL COOKBOOK you will love it!!!!! you can get it through Amazon at the best price..
IF there is one complaint not many pictures in the book but you can find all the pictures to the recipes on her website .. Simply a great investment with easy recipes and fun ideas for everyone in your family.. A lot of the recipes are single portion sizes so adjust accordingly... at the very least sign up for her weekday newsletter .. okay its a rinky dink review but this really is a great book and an easy read with uncomplicated recipes.. which I love.. Steve and I are going to build our own recipe book with favorite healthy recipes in it. We will opt for a big binder with plastic jacketed pages.. simple and cheap thats us LOL.. I am going to start collecting things we like and typing up things we have created. Will feature recipes in the blog of things we like ..
SO I guess you are wondering what the scale says ... here is the total for this week.. * remember I started the program on Monday so this is only after 4 days.. as opposed to a full week which next week will be..
STARTING WEIGHT: 190.4
CURRENT WEIGHT : 188
GOAL WEIGHT: 132
and a loss of 2.4 pounds. Thats okay.. I was hoping for a big loss but truth is .. prior to WW I was watching what I was eating.. so my calories were not that high minus the crazy eating weekend prior to starting.. so I will take the 2.4 pounds as a sign that I am on the right track! The reason it stings a bit is because just thinking of all the effort and work I put into this past week for 2.4 pounds you know.. and how quickly I can gain that weight.. with simply no effort at all.. hmmm I guess that which wish we work hard for is more valued when it is accomplished ..A loss is a loss no matter what the amount!
I also was really proud last night as well.. I took the hill all by myself.. I put my Ipod on.. walked up the small hill toward the BIG HILL walked the big hill came down went down the other street and back up then back down to where we live.. so I had a nice walk.. It is still in the liesurely phase no real speed to it yet.. but I will soon try and walk a little faster .. on the flatter areas and the down hill areas.. the up hill areas , the BIG hill for example takes me a little bit of time to get up.. but I DID IT!..
Food from Thursday..
Here is what I do with PB2 I mix it with a little water as you will see below.. and spread it on bread ( light wheat 1 pt for 2 slices ,bread) .. Also you will see the making of our dinner last night.. a Mushroom Omelette.. very easy to do..




MUSHROOM OMELETTE, with scallions first 2 pictures are mushrooms sauteing in a little olive oil and spray on butter.. VERY LITTLE olive oil....



MICHAELANGELO'S DAVID AFTER A TRIP TO AMERICA !

and on that note.. have a great Friday and a sweet weekend!
WISH ME WELL
WISH YOU WELL TOO..

WHEN WILL I FEEL IT

Yesterday Morning I walked into the kitchen .. Steve and one of his employees are busy downstairs loading up the truck for a sampling at a store.. I noticed in the sink a cake which obviously someone had sampled CAKE some chocolate something or other.. and I thought to myself.. it is not even 8 am.. and someone hopefully NOT my husband is having a slice of cake.. or maybe this is a plate from the day before.. .. hmmm I have a feeling its a plate from early yesterday morning.. when they were packing up .. I just shook my head.. NO CAKE BEFORE 8 a.m LOL..
Speaking of Steve... 6 years ago today he was diagnosed with Prostate cancer on his 50th birthday.. in June of that year he had the surgery ... 6 years later he is for the most part healthy and celebrating his 56th birthday today..

Happy Birthday Sweetheart I love you always and forever..!!
I am not going through any arbitrary motions.. I know what I am doing.. I know I am eating well and have been OP since Monday.. I have a had a few days of feeling less than myself but that is starting too drizzle off. When will I feel the change.. I do feel things in small ways like drinking 48 0z of water a day the last 3 days , aside from visiting the bathroom frequently.. I feel more hydrated and less dry. NO I am not at the 64oz mark yet with water.. and not sure If I will get there or not.. righ now just drinking 48 oz is a big thing for a non water drinker. I want to feel a difference in my clothes.. I want to see a difference on the scale.. why on earth am I so impatient with myself right now? I have not a clue.. I know a life time of being overweight is not going to correct itself in 3 days.. Logically I know this. I know this will take the rest of my life to work with.. I know that I will never be able to stop this.. for when I stop, old habits return with avengence. It is as if I never worked hard to obsolve myself of these old habits.. they return like roots of kudzu in my life.. winding wickedly back in with a cookie here or there.. wiping out all my hard work.. Yet here I am again plowing my way through the vines.. dig out the roots and hoping these new seedlings will emerge with stronger vines and wind their way through out my life.. Drinking water for most is a simple task.. Drinking water for me is a thought out process .. I eat a few almonds to make myself thirsty.. so I can start drinking.. thats what I did this morning.. so far in the last 5 minutes I drank.. 2 ounces of water LOL.. whoop dee do lol... before lunch 24 ozs will be gone.. then I have my diet sunkist with lunch.. then after lunch its back to water.. ( Tuesday I only had a few sips of my diet sunkist.. and went back to water) .. I have walked .. last night presented a bit of challenge because Steve had a dinner meeting.. I was going to take Baz for a walk but he was limping so Cookie and I went on a short walk..
In my last post I talked about Fiber one Bars and a few of you said you would no longer eat them.. I was not advocating that at all.. and I am questioning myself on this.. no they are not the most healthiest thing... but lets face it.. a great deal of the food we eat has additives and chemicals.. its not a cop out .. to eat something you enjoy.. just dont have a ton of it.. thats what I started thinking about .. I like having one of those in the afternoon.. when my sweet tooth starts waking up...
I have also mentioned Hungry Girl a lot lately .. Hope you got to see the interview on the Today show this morning.. Guess what????? I GOT MY COOKBOOK ... WILL REVIEW IT ON FRIDAY .. UHMM THATS TOMORROW YAY!! it looks really fun..

Pictures from Dinner and Dessert.. last night

Featuring Tomato Sammys for 4 points total thats 2 tomato sammys ,(LIGHT BREAD, 2 SLICES 1PT, A COUPLE SPRINKLES OF ROMANO CHEESE, SPRAY BUTTER FOR BOTH SIDES OF BREAD SLICES, SLICED TOMATOS ) 1 pt skinny cow dippers bar and 1/3 of the other flavor and had a WW latte giant bar.. BUY THESE THEY ARE WONDERFUL.. eat either 1~ 80 cal Skinny Dipper for 1 point or 2 for 3.. ( thats what the points work out too) thats why I only had a taste of the second flavor which is better than the original its vanilla dipped in choc. the second flavor is carmel dipped in choc.. yum.. have not had or seen the mint flavored one... and then I had my planned dessert a 1pt giant WW Latte bar.. SOOOO YUM and I am not a big coffee drinker .. but these rock the house!! NORMALLY I WOULD NOT DO A DOUBLE DESSERT but curiousity got the best of me.. In the real world its one or the other.. but the good news is I did it all in 2.5 points ~ oh and there is also a picture of one of those honey tangelos.. hmm yummmy..

Thats it for a Thursday
Wish me well
Wish you well

Hungry Girl was on the today show.. in case you missed it.. click here and scroll to the video titled : STRATEGIES FOR GUILT FREE SNACKING **** click on that title and watch the video