MISTRESS OF MY CHAOS

You know that feeling you have where ..you sort of have it all together and you have an idea of a plan but the world around you will not cooperate.. ?? that is how I feel. I have a late day at work today.. will get home around 7ish.. no gym because then I would not get home until 9 and I have been working at not eating after 8 pm water only.. thats what I try and goal towards.. I do pretty well with it too.. every now and then I might have a bowl of cereal.. or a little snack but most of the time I finish before 8 so its not a problem... I am not a morning exerciser.. its really hard with my back and pain to get moving early in the morning.... sometimes I will go for walk or ride my recumbent bike.. it just depends on my pain level.. so the desire to exercise is there.. its just up to the body a lot of times...
Chronic pain can be an interesting place to live.. sometimes you are active and fine and other times a simple twist of the hip can take your breath away because some how you have done something to aggrevate that lovely live in guest of yours.. (mine) back pain... it hurts to breath at its worst.. and is a dull nagging ache at its best.. I have had doctors say my pain threshold is very high.. which really is not all that good because sometimes I let myself hurt badly for too long and then getting control of it gets more difficult... What I am trying to say is.. this pain is like a consistent flow of chaos in my life.. though I work really hard to ignore it .. sometimes it sends me in to a tailspin.. and I end up asking myself.. is this really worth it..?? is getting healthy really even a reality for me.. DUH.. yes.. the more weight I lose the less strain on my back ( says the logical side of me) but the whiney side of me says.. wouldn't a big bowl of icecream be more fun.. ??/ wouldn't not having to pay attention to what goes in my mouth just be a wonderful time... ??? wouldn't eating myself into oblivion be a great way to die??? hmmmm not really ( says the logical self) there is not enough food on the planet that can take away chronic pain.. the alternatives to chronic pain usually yield more pain at first and you may or may not get some relief.. who really fucking knows???( do you sense my anger there.. with all the great thing we humans can do .. we have yet to figure out a true way to really help those in pain.. its up to us as individuals to find our way) .... so... In my Organized Chaos... I have to really be focused..
Really know that the 2 pounds I gained over the weekend because I did not make wise choices in my eating.. ( portion control) ( bad choices) ( and they tasted horrible) are just a tickler to say.. Honi.. fix it.. you can control this. and though the world around you may flip and flop.. You do have control over your eating.. you can give your body unlimited veggies.. you can give your body limited carbs, protein, dairy and fruit... You can be proud of your accomplishments.. and every time that you move towards that light .. towards that never ending change.. and accept that this life is full of never ending change.. then its all a good thing...
I did not want to step on the scale this morning.. I was suppose to do it yesterday but chickened out.. and I am the one that says the scale is only a tool not a weapon of mass destruction.. wait.. make that a weapon of SELF DESTRUCTION.. the scale just lets me know.. what direction I am really going and that if I feed myself properly and try and get in some type of movement or exercise several times a week at a minimum.. then I am going in the right direction.. So it would seem then I become the mistress of my chaos.. that I can control what I can.. and I can just let those other things be...
Wish me well.
Wish you well too...