Friday, October 5, 2007


When a person has cancer who is to blame? did that person do something wrong.. and this is their punishment... ??? of course not... it just is... it happens... there is no plan or map.. or anything it knocks people off their feet with such gusto and shock.. and there are only 2 choices.. give in or stand up and fight.. I have been blessed in my life to know only fighters.. from my father ( a prostate cancer survivor until his death in 2001 from a car accident) several relatives and friends.. some have battled the disease twice.. some have won the fight.. some sadly have lost the fight) my Steve.. a prostate cancer survivor .. all around me.. I have known this disease in many many forms.. when you are a caregiver you see things.. You either see determined will or fear or both.. I have watched people vacillate from one to the other.. It is something out of our control.. and its frightening because it can hold us in it's grip.. so tightly .. or as tight as we choose to let it. Life suddenly becomes more precious and less mundane.. or time seems to stop.. almost as if it is leaving you behind... I can not imagine how I would feel were it me in that situation..
When I was at Southern Pain Services yesterday I spoke with a woman who was there with a friend who was recieving treatment for her pain. She does not have cancer but situation just as scarey.. and she prayers that these pain blocks will help her.. but they have not so far.. I sat there and asked myself what on earth am I doing here.. look how this lady's friend suffers .. and here is me.. I know my pain.. I have had it in various forms for almost 10 years now. I know its trickery and power.. I know all about it... and here I am short of surgery that may or may not work trying to find another option to help me cope with pain .. cope with it better.. I am not a pill taker.. and I want to treat myself as pure as possible.. I think thats why I liked this pain psychologist so much.. he understood that. He did not push the pain blocks on me.. he understood that I am not there yet. especially with my wedding coming up next month.. I just want the volume of the pain to be turned down .. he understood that too... so I sat there and I wondered did I deserve to seek treatment .. did I deserve to seek relief while that woman suffers so with her pain.. and for her .. her options our not very good and VERY risky.. life threatening...and then here was me.. with the pain screaming up my back and pouring into my shoulders.. and shooting down my arm.. and back around my neck.. I think I hurt worse just thinking about why I should not be there.. and then I asked myself.. who is to blame.. did I put myself here.. and my answer.. unlike those of a cancer patient or survivor or this lady mentioned above.. is for the most part YES.. I put myself here by not taking care of my body.. by increasing my body weight to an extent that when I did regular things my spine and an amazing twist of ligaments and soft tissue has a hard time supporting me.. now .. does that mean if I were thin.. I would not have any of these issues.. ABSOLUTELY NOT.. thin people have herniated disks too.. I Know that.. but had I .. just done things different.. perhaps I would not have chronic pain.. so who is to blame.. is it just my hand.. my luck .. my fate... or is no one to blame.. it just happened.. and it just is.. and it is up to me to deal with it.. and work on healing.. and getting.. Healthier and stronger so I can cope even better...
Just a view.. just a thought..
Wish me well
Wish you well too..


Ann(ie) said...

Very well put. It is a hand you were dealt and an unfortunate one at that. Keep fighting girlie. I love your strength, conviction and attitude!!

Scale Junkie said...

I've found that doctors I've been to in the past are so quick to blame everything on the weight and not look for the root cause of something. I'm sorry you have so much pain but you are a SURVIVOR!! Attitude is so important and it sounds like you are in the right frame of mind!