Monday, July 9, 2007


Well it is just another magic Monday ... A typical Monday at best.. I forgot my breakfast... so I went to Publix bought a coffee mug and oatmeal and spoons so that that when I do forget my breakfast I will always have breakfast here at the office .. no problem.. yay me... lol..
I first stopped at the Chevron station food mart across the street.. it was weird walking in there.. from time to time I get gas outside.. never go in.. in fact the last time I was inside there was on one of my final binges... so it was a strange feeling walking in.. when I realized they did not have Express oatmeal containers I decided to go to Publix and get exactly what I needed..

We finally had some good old fashioned rain here on Friday nite, Saturday and Sunday.. the grass looks much happier..

We went to the flea market yesterday via the motorcycle and walked around.. there was a misty rain going on.. so it made walking around the flea a nice comfortable experience.. We were on our usual puppy hunt.. Came home empty handed again.. I think we are hoping to find another Cookie... not sure if that will happen.. and not sure we should.. seems my once friendly to dogs dog.. has decided to be rather unfriendly to other dogs aside from Bazzie. It could have been because Chloe .. my nieces puppy ( maltiyork) was jumping in her face.. now we are questioning if it is a good idea to bring another puppy into the house.. so the saga continues...
I have had a little trouble weight wise.. seems I am at the infamous platue period... so I am trying to rock the boat a little and hopefully my body will take the clue.. on an up note.. I start PT on Thursday which will get me in the habit of going to the club 2 times a week. This back and shoulder pain is about to drive me crazy.. seems as if the Celebrex is not touching it yet.. so I am going to give that a little more time too... Pain can be exhausting...

A newer version of my Tomato salad
Sargento cheese came out with a limited edition provolone cheese sticks. like the Mozz. cheese sticks...
heres what ya need
3 provolone cheese sticks cut up
fresh or jarred basil to taste
1 carton cherry or grape tomatoes
2 Tablespoons Olive Oil
3 Tablespoons Balsamic Vinegar

Mix and serve... I love this salad.. with either the Mozz. Cheese or the Provolone.. very yummy.

Anyone heard of PENZY's SPICES?? if so.. stop by there.. We bought a jerk rub for our chicken and turkey and we also bought Pasta Sprinkles.. ( they have some great salad dressing sprinkles and mixes as well..) Last night we took Penne pasta .. and mixed it with Spray butter and a few sprinkles of the Pasta Sprinkle and some freshly grated Romano cheese... it was yummy .. I bought some for lunch no Tomatos today..

I keep going back in my head to the incident this morning.. going into the Chevron station this morning... was I that close to a binge??? I was never a purge type of binger.. at my worst it would be things like a box of sugared cereal.. or a pint of icecream. or several pieces of bread followed by cookies.. or something else sweet. I never gave my brain a chance to catch up with my belly.. I would eat until.. whatever it was I was feeling at the time was pushed down... I have indulged since January but I have no real binges... which I guess is good.. Binging scares me.. eating a large ( or what I consider large) amount of food scares me.. Loss of control scares me. If you can follow this story .. you will see why I get scared for myself.....I had a family issue I had to deal with this weekend.. it was so stressful that yesterday I woke up with a headache.. My whole Saturday night was lost to this event.. I can't even explain it to you because when the words are typed it is so STUPID that its beyond all stupidity.. Roughly, my mother has never been the same since my dad has been gone.. or perhaps this is the real her and dad just hid it well.. controlled it.. I think the real reason she is the way she is... Overbearing, and difficult.. is because she simply can not find a place to be with in herself.. It is like , when my father died.. she died too maybe? or when he died she lost her Identity?? does that make sense? My mother expects so much out of people and there for is constantly dissapointed.. My niece is here for 1 month doing a pharmacy rotation. Mom helped her get the rotation. I guess my mom invisioned my nieces free time being spent soley with her... Well my nieces adorable boyfriend came in town and was suppose to leave the weekend of the 4th.. He is leaving this weekend however.. Consequently all the plans my niece made with my mother have changed... Change.. there is the key word.. My mother can not handle any type of change of plans. So needless to say she has been driving my niece up the wall... Granted my niece is a little on the spoiled side too.. but my niece came close to heading back to S.C. Saturday night and my mother was hysterical. I mean I feared for her life... she was so out of control.. my mother is almost 75 and she has heart issues... My sister ( nieces mom) calls my mother bitches her out.. and my mom freaked.. it was horrible. Thank god that one of my aunts and uncles helped get her calmed and rational again.. and I talked for a long time with my niece and her boyfriend and explained how mom is. I was so pissed at my sister .. but my sister was defending her daughter... and the most ridiculous thing about all of this is that No one did anything imparticular to spark this.. it just built up.. If my niece did not come right away or if she rolled her eyes or whatever... She got a lecture how disrespectful her generation is to older people.. U know.. it is a fact most kids today are not the kids of our parents generation.. I think my mother had it in her head that when my father passed that she would be the Matriarch of the family and we would all coddle and take care of her.. and none of this has come to pass.. Let me tell you.. My mother is basically very healthy and it is as if she wills being old on herself.. for attention. My mother also is the type.. that she holds things over you... so with my niece who wants to come and go .. and do as she pleases when she is not working.. and spend SOME time with her grandmother.. but also enjoy the company of her boyfriend ... well its been a chore.. my niece and her BF have included her on many things.. but should they want to do something on there own.. well my mother has a hard time with it.. I do feel bad for mom.. she feels lonely. but on the same note.. she has no idea how difficult she can be... she wants everyone to think of her as sweet and nice.. but boy she has a bite to her .. that makes it so hard... So what does binging have to do with all of this???? I just start getting concerned.. when I am put under this much stress between losing weight, planning for the wedding, being a good partner and helpmate to Steve etc....and then I wonder how much I can handle before I feel that urge.. you know what I mean??? that urge to eat the trouble away.. what are my coping skills??? I know what they are suppose to be.. face the issue head on .. breath and move on.. but sometimes the easy way out seems so .. well tempting... eating the fear.. eating the anger... eating the pain away well I know the outcome is not what I really want.. OVEREATING.. and so far I am in good shape.. but the way those feelings started surfacing again.. was.. scarey... but you know something.... I survived and that a very good thing....Enough rambling..
Wish me well
Wish you well too...


buddha_girl said...

I think your insight into the buttons that can push you into a binge will be the reason you'll think before acting.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You do a great job every day and hold it together under stress.

I'm with you on the mom thing - I'm certain my Dad was able to control her craziness as well as hide her antics while he was alive. She also lost a large role when he died because she was no longer the ultimate caretaker. What was she going to do with her life? She also feels as though the world owes her for all the years of caring for him.

*shrugging* I'm just trying to accept this new person I thought was my Mom and move along.

I hope you can put some distance between your mom, sister and niece. Don't let them drag you into their saga.

TooFatToFly said...

I think you are a little like me, in that we both probably "think" TOO Much, LOL.

As *Buddha Girl said, I hope you can back off a little from the problems between your, mom, sister & niece. After all, you have your own worries right now.

Families are difficult to manage at the best of times, haha