WEDNESDAY OBSERVATIONS

Toe is feeling much more toe like now... so thats good.. still looks pretty yucky but it looks more toeish at least...
I mailed out our Save the Date cards w/ hotel info for out of town guests and where we are registered in all the envelopes.. I had this horror thought that when I put these all together on Friday and it got to be after midnight.. and I was oh so tired I started getting worried that I might have forgotten to put the Save the date cards in some of the envelopes...... OH WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL they are mailed .. nothing I can do about that now LOL.. surely I would not have been that dense.. although I must admit I honestly can not remember if I left Cookie in the house when I left for work today .. or I put her in the back yard with Bazzie. Hopefully I put her out.. You know how some things are automatic... and you just don't remember if you did something or not.. I hate that feeling LOL...
Well I am sitting here... eating my breakfast.. I like to take instant low sugar Maple and brown sugar oatmeal and put in fresh blue berries... YUMMMMMY.. its like a mushy blue berry muffin lol.. in oatmeal form.. I love fresh blueberries in hot cereal...

I have been logging my food.. YAY ME.. I like that sense of control again... I dont look at it as an obsession .. I look at it as a source of control... which is a good thing.. I like feeling in control of myself.. I think we all do. It is those slip ups that can be so dangerous.. A slip up in and of itself is not a bad.. but when we get discouraged then a slip up becomes a fall and a fall becomes paralyzing in a way... Perhaps the answer there might be... that there should be no such thing as a slip up.. that no matter what you eat.. just needs to be that.. something you ate.. its done.. its over... if you binged .. u binged.. now you just deal with that too..

I always said I was bulimic but I forgot to purge... I could go on some major food binges... and even the I feel sick cue was not enough to stop me.. I am glad I do not do things like that anymore.. my binges are limited to portion control issues.. and when I stick with my portions.. TA DA.. I am in CONTROL>>. WHOOPEE>. Having been a binger.. and knowing that that binge was all about finding something to fill the void in me... It has become easier to identify those moods.. but harder to find something to fill that void.. I usually turn to music or blogging now..they seem to help and offer a good distraction... I try sometimes to identify when did all of this tug of war begin with food... was about the first diet my mother put me on at 10 years old.. ??? was I angry? what was I mad at if so.. Was it because someone else was trying to control my food intake.. and not allowing me the responsibility even at 10 years old?? I think the worst thing that was done to me was putting me on a diet at 10 years old.. I was 20 pounds overweight I know that.. but all this managed to do for the next 34 years was create a dieting and binging disaster.. I never learned how to control myself.. I never learned how to sooth myself.. I did learn to fear that I would not have enough food .. I did learn that eating a whole box of sugared cereal.. *fruit loops, apple jax..etc..... did not solve those deep dark problems.. but the sugar sure seemed to help for the moment.. I did resent that while other kids could eat what they wanted.. I had wheat crackers and cottage cheese.. I wanted to eat Cheeseburgers like other kids... I wanted to eat chips and fries and shakes.. and do what all the other kids did..I think if I had been allowed to be in control of myself back then I would not be here right now still struggling.. I would have learned that those foods are fun.. and are treats.. I would have learned that in order to eat those foods I needed to play and play hard.. to burn those calories instinctively .. I would have learned that I was just like everyone else.. not different.. but I was marked different at an early age.. My mother took diet pills when she was pregnant with me. ( thats what the doctor ordered so she did it) .. she gained 12 pounds with me.. I was 8 pounds 6 ounces of that 12 pounds when I was born.. I think I was born hungry... I was a chunky baby.... I am a confirmed believer that had my mother not taken diet pills during her pregnancy that I would not have had the learning issues I had through out my educational career. I believe those drugs did not allow my brain to develop the proper wiring it needed.. Hence I am ADD, and had a learning deficit only with Numbers.. Thank GOD I could read VERY WELL all through out school... and for the most part my writing was not affected... HOWEVER... numbers might as well have been chinese.. I still have a huge problem with numbers.. I have to fight to read big series of numbers... numbers move around on the page for me all the time.. they switch places... they invert..its hard.. and I believe that comes from those drugs taken while mom was pregnant of course in the 60s you could smoke while you were pregnant too.. I don't blame my mother mind you... she was just following doctors orders... however I had to pay the price of those actions... I do not regret my life... for that has made me the person I am .. it taught me compassion, it taught me patience.. however I have very little patience with myself... but massive amounts for others. it taught me understanding as well. I just wonder though if things had been different.. If mom had not taken those pills.. what would I be.. ?? Could I have become a doctor.. a engineer...??? could I have really done something that would have made a difference in this world... ??? I wonder about that.. but I guess thats just a waste of time to wonder about things that are so arbitrary ... Life is what it is.. and it is up to you or I to deal with what is on our so called plate at the moment...that is okay... it is alright...
Well going to do my food log...
Thanks for all your sweet wishes and concern that last couple of weeks with all the crazyness in my life.. I do appreciate it..
Wish me well..
Wish you well too..