Monday, April 21, 2008


Sitting here and pensively staring at my pc screen.... is it really going to help if I sit here and moan and complain .. am I really venting or just projecting how I feel out to you so that you can tell me .. its okay .. or so that you can give me the virtual kick in the pants.. or that maybe some of you even agree. well.. I dont think that sitting here griping about everything is going to change anything... not any irritation I feel or annoyances with people's behavior, as pathetic as it is.
We did have a nice weekend but it was filled with an extra dose of unnecessary. The race was fun. but too hot for me in that direct sunlight...
Passover was bittersweet. Bittersweet on several notes. My aunt's sister passed away suddenly ( no she is not my aunt too ) ( its a southern thing.. her husband, is my dads first cousin and everyone in my family is aunt or uncle even though they are not siblings but cousins of my parents) .. ( hope that makes sense) (hence why I did not say my aunt passed away because she is not my aunt) anyhow that was sad, my aunt had been dealing with 2 other recent deaths in her family too.. As we were sitting at the table Saturday night , all participating in the rituals of the Passover seder, I found my self gazing around the room, at each face at the table and I wondered.. who among this group might not be sitting here next year .. on the way home Steve mentioned the same thing to me, he had done the same thing.. studied all the faces at the table Saturday night and wondered too.. how will next year be. It was hard the first couple of family get togethers to not have my dad present. My Dad was the kind of guy everyone seemed to take to right away.. His funeral was evidence of that when over 600 people attended. My dad used to tell me, you know I am not as active as I once was in the community when I die.. no one will be at my funeral I bet...but that day well as I said.. the people that came.. over flowed the chapel into the hallway and out on the sidewalks.. that probably was the only time I could say my dad was wrong about something lol.. So I often find myself thinking of him at those family events.. in fact , I guess you could say he is always in my thoughts in one form or the other.
I was one of these kids that I was always disappointing my mother .. .. not thin enough.. not smart enough.. dont care for jewelry that much.. not a shopper.. always difficult in the grammar school years.. nothing seemed to ever run smoothly.. but with my dad.. LORD .. letting him down was the most traumatic thing in the world for me.. I always wanted to make him proud and I think I did in many ways.. the one thing he wanted for me more than anything was for me to be healthy and thin.. not bone thin but acceptable thin.. Thin were life might be easier and I would not get picked on..( when I was a kid) Thin where I would attract young men instead of being the buddy. I am sure I disspointed him in those areas.. but in others I was winner. I found the husband with out being thin. (it just happened that my husband and my dad were good friends too.. they had a lot in common so that is always one of my most treasured blessings .. that they knew each other for a little over one year before my dad's death. ).
I found myself with out being thin. The only reason I want to be smaller is just to hopefully add years to my life and be healthier and feel better.. and the bonus is is that I look better. My dad .. as much as he wanted me to be healthier and thinner.. well.. lets just say .. he never skipped a new restarurant or a new goodie on the market.. and he alway shared with me :-) I get my love of food from Dad.
Mom and I , we are better.. It is still hard sometimes.. I still feel that sense that I should have been more .... done more.. but this is the me that I am.. and if she loves me.. which I believe she does.. then she accepts who I am..
We are all battling something.. be it ourselves or the hidden dissapointments we think our parents are holding over us.. or perhaps they are real dissapointments.. We all wonder if there is more.. than what is right now.. but in the long run.. and I thought about this this weekend too.. We.. we as in each of us individually have to be satisfied with who we are as we make our improvements or just accept ourselves as we are.. We.. each of us.. has to let go of whomever's oponions of us.. and just for once be satsified with the now. We can always improve and make ourselves even more better.. but all we have is now.. be it the time at work, the time with family and friends.. the time with a spouse.. or a pet.. all we have is now..
and now I must get back to work...

OHHH I ALMOST FORGOT .. I went on a walk last night with my friend from out of town.. she asked if I wanted to go and I said yes... we walked up the neighborhood and even walked the big hill and back.. and guess what.. for the first time in my life SOME WALKED FOR ME.. in other words someone walked my pace.. normally I have to take two steps for everyone's one step and I end up tiring out quicker than everyone .. but last night because she walked my pace I was able to do the Hill and everything.. that was really a good feeling. at first I did not walk to walk the hill so we went the other way and when we came back I said .. lets do the hill.. .. it was so funny when we reached the top we did the Rocky song LOL.. the rest of the walk was all down hill back home.. so I am glad I did that. My friend has lost over 60 pounds on LA Weight Loss. She looks fabulous.. I know when I first saw her I felt really bad.. REALLY BAD.. because here she was at her goal and I am no where near mine.. but its all okay.. People do things at different rates of time.. so my time is coming.. !
Wish me well
wish you well too


Katherine said...

Well, bitching and moaning WILL sometimes make you feel better for the moment. However; it will not make you thiner, I tried it, it didn't work. Oh well, guess I'll try eating less and better. That's what I'm starting this week.
Liked your page! Keep up the good work and good luck with the diet.
Katherine Kendrick

Scale Junkie said...

Honi I really didn't see much bitching or moaning going on in this post. This is your blog to deal with issues that are important to you.

I'm not losing weight with any speed and its very frustrating for me but like you said, we all move at our own pace.

I'm so PROUD of you for getting out there and walking. Now why not take the dogs and make it a daily habit? Or take one dog at a time and walk around the block. It all adds up!

Lora said...

We call our parent's cousins "aunt" & "Uncle" too! And I know what you mean about looking around the table and playing the "wonder" game...

I tend to do it too. Next time - stop yourself and say "Honi - look who's here NOW!" And then love 'em as much as you can!

40 by 40 said...

Sorry about the loss in your "family". Holidays must be extra hard with the memories of your father , so sounds like a WONDERFUL man! Enjoy all the goodness in your you do. Great job with the walking last night! You , too, will meet your goal

Ann(ie) said...

Okay, I'm PMS'ing and this post just make me cry. =P I'm such a woos. But, I'll tell you one thing....that dad of yours sounds like he was pretty damn incredible and in turned he raised a very kind and insightful person. xoxo.

Twix said...

My dad is usually no to far off in my thoughts with me also. I hear you about mom. Isn't it noce just to accept who we are! I know I do. Thanks for putting this out there. We will get there in our own timing. Congrats on the HILL!! :)

Big Pissy said...

Honi, your blog is for you to say whatever you want...however you want.

Keep on keeping on! :)