45

45 years ago November 1st 1962 I came to be. There I was in all my rolly polly glory.. alive and in this world. Round was my shape.. round is still my shape... I wonder how I got to be here.. not in the basic sense but .. more so.. how I got to this moment in my life. I battle the same self I battled when I was a child.. the self that always found comfort in food.. why am I still here.. in this shape.. why.. did I not learn anything years ago... why did not I not change then??



As a child no matter how badly I was tormented for being different.. for not being attractive.. for not fitting into the mainstream.. I thought when I became an adult I would be able to finally breath.. find a place of safety and just be me. but as I became an adult and aged into my mid 40s I realized nothing really changed.. sure.. maybe I am not getting pushed off school buses or being called names.. but I am still being judged.. is that what this is all about.. are we always judged no matter what ? even by those who should love us the most.. they cast their dissapointed eyes at you.. at me.. because.. sure .. once again we have let them down because we did not reach a goal.. they cast that weary gaze on us yet again on me yet again.... but do we give up on ourselves.. not me.. not ever.. because when all the dust has cleared... all I have is myself.. no one else.. and all you have is yourself.. so here I am at 45.. still alive.. very much alive.. getting ready to start a new year.. getting married ... and Getting my act together.. for myself.. for me.. make no mistake about it.. This will be my 45th year... not giving up.. not giving in.. right after the wedding back on my program with strength with a goal... my goal.. and I am typing this out loud now.. is to lose 50 pounds between November 2007 and November 2008.. It will be done.. it has to be done for me... only for me.. 45 will be about me.. reinventing me..

I was serious when I asked each of you to give me a birthday present... reinvent yourself.. be the woman .. or person you were meant to be on the outside as well as on the inside.. don't wait.. don't be 45 and still asking why.. be 45 and say look.. at .. me.. I did it.. ...if you are in your 40s.. or 50s or whatever age... you can do this.. you can reinvent.. but you must do it for one sole reason.. yourself.. no one else.. not so your husband will be more attracted to you.. not so your kids will want to play with you or that you can play with them.. on the surface those may be great motivators.. but in the soul.. in your soul.. weight loss.. for the rest of your life.. has to be about one person.. and that is you... that is me....

FOR ME this is how 45 looks.

PS.. thanks for those wonderful Birthday wishes.. !!!!

PPS.. did you know foundation garments are not as bad as they used to be.. I used to hate that stuff.. my mother used to force me to wear a girdle growing up.. I just got the Curvation tummy shaper cami and bra.. love it.. did not like the thigh shaper uncomfortable.. but Hanes has 2 news ones that are panties and combined with the curvation its some nice light smoothness.. LOVE IT.. oh my god.. I am so old.. I just said I like foundation garments .. whats.. thats bizzare lol... hey any advice on foundation garments.. send it my way.. lol...

Wish me well

Wish you well too...

THE CANDY DEVIL WILL BE LEAVING MY HOUSE TONIGHT

THERE SHE IS.. THAT HAUNTING WHISPERING HERSHEY BAR, THAT CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER CUP ... THAT CHEWY CARMEL TWIX BAR WITH THE COOKIE THING INSIDE.. SITTING THERE quietly... yet saying.. COME EAT ME.. COME EAT ME.. its our little secret.. you know you want me.. why not eat me? tonight I will be tossing her out by gooey sweet handfuls.. Tonight she flys out the house and not to return again until next year... Tonight we say our last farwell.. she sat in my kitchen for 4 days.. and yes I engaged in that sweetness.. but TONIGHT she bids her annual good bye.. as masked hordes ring the door bell over and over again..some saying trick or treat.. and some just staring at me assuming I can read their minds.. hmm with it being Halloween.. perhaps I can...



Wish me well



Wish you well too..


PS GETTING NEW PC!!! ACER ASPIRE should be here soon.. any info on Windows VISTA versus WINDOWS XP.. I think I am going to put in XP.. heard VISTA sucks!!

VOICES IN MY HEAD

So I am still thinking about going on the fasting program.. though contemplating it very lightly now.. I feel for me the best bet is to do what I was doing , logging food, eating 1200 calories a day.. and starting to exercise and develop healthier habits.. its basic simple and sweet. yet then there is the other voice.. the voice saying. you know .. if you did this fast.. your world.. would change quicker.. the world to getting smaller would be here faster.. and then the other voice is back saying .. Honi, its not about the destination.. its about the ride.. what you learn along the way is what will take you through the rest of your life.. Sure being smaller will be great.. but what will you take along the way.. what will you learn if all you are doing is being on a liquid diet.. what will you learn about portion control.. what will you learn about your strength and capibilities if you go the quicker route. I think your birthday present to yourself needs to be very simple.. go back to what works.. go back to where you get an education . don't give in.. and don't think you can not achieve your goals your way.. Lets face it Honi.. quick fixes work. but if you do not learn new habits to replace the old ones.. well then you are stuck with the old habits.. and old habits are like old clothes.. you can either keep them and wear them again and again.. or toss them out.. OTHER VOICE: Yeah but, if I do this quickly I can reach my goal in say 12 weeks as opposed to 12 more months.. and they have a maintainence program.. and then the other voice comes back again.... but Honi. sure that sounds good.. but once again I ask you what happens along the way.. what do you learn.. what do you feel.... where is the education in it all? you are not making changes you are simply limiting your calorie intake to about 800 calories a day.. You are not learning to cope with emotions.. you are not learning to "say when" ,you are not learning anything and not learning is a true waste of time. Look at you. you maintained for all this time.. pretty soon the wedding will be here and over.. then its quiet.. then you start fresh with Mayo Clinic and counting calories and you go back to learning and reiterating all that you have learned thus far.. you become smarter and wiser and ultimitely you succeed for the rest of your life.. Other voice: "sigh".. well maybe you are right maybe a quick fix is not so quick after all....so those are the voices in my head.
Now I have a favor to ask of each of you... There is a birthday present I want from each of you...
On Thursday I am going to be 45... Older than most of you that read my blog.. I want you to promise me that when You are 45 you will not be looking back and saying to yourselves.. where did the time go.. why didn't I just lose the weight once and for all.. be able to look back and say look at me.. look how far I have come.. look how healthy I am .. look how active I am .. thats the gift I want from each of you.. If you are 45 and older.. commit to yourself that by your next birthday you will be 30 - 50 pounds lighter.. and so forth down the road until you reach your goal.. it is never to late to reach a goal.. We can do this.. even when we hit the rough patches and the decsion making we can do this..

Tommorow: THE CANDY DEVIL WILL BE LEAVING MY HOUSE TONIGHT!

Wish me well
Wish you well too

IT IS ALL ABOUT HAVING A PLAN OF ACTION

Well with number 45 looming nearer and nearer I decided to take stock of things.
Thursday I will turn 45... pretty cool huh? I think so.. I mean I graduated another year.. beats the alternative you know... so here I am at 45.. about 30 pounds thinner than last year. getting married in about 20 or so days.. I am actually going to be somebody's mrs. hmmm I like that.. I have waited al long time .. a LONG time... My sweet cousin called me this morning and told me that after the wedding she is going to be calling me twice a week to encourage me to lose at least a pound a week.. I told her about my doctor's visit.. this is what he said... he was happy I had maintained but feels that someone of my height and limitations with exercise really has to be restrictive.. he wants to see me go on the EAT RIGHT OPTI FAST program at the University of Alabama here in Birmingham. ITS VERY expensive over 3,000 dollars to do the 30 week program... I still believe that I can lose this weight by staying with the Mayo Clinic Healthy weight for everyone.. as you know I eat between 1300 and 1400 now.. and will continue to do so until the wedding .. after the wedding I am going to go back to 1000 to 1200 thats how I lost before so if it worked then it will work now.. I also was 2 pounds less than I was the last time I was at the doctor.. I am 185 .. I want to be 132.. so after the wedding.. is when the iron horse comes back.. Not only do I need you guys now.. but boy will I need your encouragement then.. too and I know I will have it.. which makes me know I can do this without drastic measure.. My mom told me today she would pay for another 12 week session for the Mayo Clinic program since that worked so good before.. So I am working on a plan for after the wedding.. My doctor said not to worry about the weight until after the wedding.. keep maintaining as I have been doing and then after the wedding.. work at it... So I do feel a bit better now.. about all that.. and it is always reassuring to have a plan .. I think...
After Erin made her comment .. she is right.. why pay for something I can virtually do for free.. and I do know how to do it.. still would love more opinions about this Optifast program.. here is the link to the info I have...http://main.uab.edu/Sites/eatright/programs/OPTIFAST/ .. I prefer the route I am on..http://www.onenineteen.com/wellness/nutrition.asp so any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated.. should I stay.. or should I go..
Hope everyone had a good weekend..
Wish me well
Wish you well too

WHY I LOVE HALLOWEEN

I love seeing first time trick or treaters

I love giving candy to costumed kids

I love Halloween because it still has that wholesomeness to it.. and no I do not think that giving children candy once a year contributes to the obesity epidemic.. there are far more bigger issues that contribute to that...

I think its kinda funny the way Cookie looks at kids in costumes.. like she just can not figure it out..

I think it is kinda funny that Bazzie is convinced that all children should share their candy with him.. and he is very happy to stick his nose in their goodies bags...

I love Halloween because it falls in the .. uhmmm FALL and I love Fall..

I love Halloween because I love decorating my house with purple and orange lights on the banister outside

I love Halloween because its the only time I get to decorate outside my house and put up blinkie lights and things.. At Christmas I just get to enjoy my neighbors lights since we do not celebrate that holiday.. Last year one of my neighbors felt bad for us lol and gave us one of those little light up deer ( YEAH A DEER OF ALL THINGS.. if you are curious you my inquire about my well known title around town . the DEER SLAYER... ) I had to explain to them that we are jewish and don't celebrate Christmas but we appreciate the thought and love admiring all the pretty lights... At my first house.. years ago.. Carolers once came by and when they realized I was jewish they started singing Chanukah songs.. I thought that was so sweet I wrote a letter to the church... okay back to Halloween...

I love my blinkie pink eyed cat or bat not sure what it is..

I love hearing the excitement in our neighborhood.

I love watching each Halloween get bigger and bigger in our neighborhood as little ones grow up and learn to trick or treat with their siblings..

I love Halloween because the next day is my Birthday .. Number 45 this year and then 17 days later this year I am getting married for the first time.. so this is a SPECIAL YEAR!!!

I love Halloween because I could blog a lot about it and probably will...

Wish me well

Wish you well too..

THE VERDICT IS IN

Saw the Geek Squad this morning.. they are retrieving all the important files I need... it will run about 99 bucks as opposed to the over 200 + to repair the damn thing... the hard drive is fine.. somewhere in the CPU there is an issue. It has had good good life about 6 years.. will save the hard drive and probably donate the PC or reinstall the original set up and use it for back up or something...The disks I will load onto Steve's pc and then be able to continue on my merry way for wedding stuff..

Weight news.. I see the doctor tomorrow.. Yes I am a little dissapointed in myself that I have not lost anything but maintained for the most part.. I also have not really exercised since May either.. with all the pain I have had.. The plan is to continue maintaining or hopefully lose.. until the wedding shortly after the wedding.. start seeing my nutritionist 1 or 2 times a month and start on a regular exercise program .. in the last two weeks just by logging my food I have gone from eating around 1450 calories to 1350 and even lower.. my goal is to get back to the 1,000 to 1200 range.. I will do it.. I have too.. I am dreading the doctor a little bit.. I wanted to get farther along.. I am just glad that I have not gone farther back... so I guess that is good too..
So wish me well tomorrow at the doctors..
wish you well too..

TIME FOR A QUICKY

Real fast post folks.. thanks so much for your kind words during this pre wedding crisis I have so much to blog about right now weight wise.. but no time so will post that a little later right now I am taking my pc to Best Buy or as my sister calls it Worst Buy and going to the Geek Squad.. since this pc is about 6 years old it would cost too much to repair it.. estimated at 200 to 300 dollars so far. so I am going to have them copy all info to disks then reload that on Steves pc at the house.. then when I get my new PC i can put the important stuff on there.. I will be posting help questions I am sure.. and I promise I learned my lesson .. with the new pc I will either buy a flash drive or a external hard drive to keep the important stuff.. on ..
wish me well
Wish u well too.

THINGS I DO NOT THINK ARE FUNNY (but you might)

In no particular order:

I do not think it is funny when I wake up in the morning and go turn my pc on.. and all it does is blink at me.. and blink at me.. and blink at me.. apparently there is a hefty chance the hardrive might be fried.. ( just got this one 13 months ago) Going to work on it tonite..

I do not think it is funny when I realized that all my wedding stuff is on there ( and no of course I did not think to back it up.. why on earth would I think to do something as smart as that )

I do know that 209 people are coming to the wedding so far.. but ask me who.. I have no Fxxxx idea...

I have so much crap on that damn thing that I need that I am trying not to panic .. one of my friends thinks it might be fixable he is going to coach me tonite... ( please say an extra prayer for my pc)

I do not think its funny when I back out of my garage and hit Steve's employee's car only because when I opened my garage door because of the way her car was sitting I did not see it as I was backing out.. luckily I back out slow.. I was like what in the world did I just hit.. BINGO a CAR... no damage thankfully to either car...

I do not think its funny when one of the tray of cookies I am taking to my boss ( steve had some cookie samples that had some broken cookies in them and he could not show them) decides to flip over in my VERY CLEAN car and dump cookies every where..

my day so far.. whooo hooo.. yeah I know.. Honi go log your food.. whooo deee doo..
it could be worse..
it could be better
wish me well
wish you well too

I ONLY HAVE THESE CHOICES

SO today is a pain day .. partly because it just is and partly because the weather is bad...
so what do I do.. give in.. or go on.. I go on...
It is the same with weight.. do I give in.. or go on... I go on...
I am a bit dissapointed that I have not lost weight since May.. but I have gone on.. I have stayed the same I have maintained.. which is great... I am hoping that if not before the wedding.. soon after the weight will start coming off again because I will be able to exercise regularly instead of these little sporadic shots I do.. exercise injury.. give up.. exercise injury .. give up...

I got in the therapy pool last night and then in the hot tub.. I felt really good... I will be there tomorrow night and Thursday night.. thats my plan for the next 3 weeks before the wedding.. thats my plan 3 times a week to start with after the wedding... I want to do this.. I want to lose the next 50 pounds.. so .. like you .. I go on...
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

MONDAY ~ WEDDING BLURB AND A SHOE QUESTION FOR ALL YOU SHOE MAVENS OUT THERE.. ohhh and yes there is some healthy talk too..

Well... 3 more Saturdays and then POOF its the wedding the next day.. wow.. thats a bit of trip.. I was at our synagogue yesterday and I walked in the sanctuary.. stood in the back and imagined what it would be like.. it was really an overwhelming feeling knowing I would be married in the very room I had grown up in..knowing that as I child I roamed all over this building.. knowing that very soon.. nothing would change .. but everything would change.. mainly just my name.. though Steve and I have been together for 7 years and lived together at least 5 of those 7.. so nothing will really change in that respect... but now I can say .. please meet my husband.. wow.. I like how that sounds.. and I like the idea that I will be his wife.. not his girlfriend anymore.. or his special friend.. * whats the deal with that.. * so we far we have about 190 people attending.. this week we get our marriage license and I think we might even pick out our wedding bands.. keeping it very simple.. white gold bands.. very simple. I am far more excited than I am nervous. I simply want everyone to have a nice time.. and I am working hard not to try and micromanage everything.. ( yes I tend to do that and not ask for help until I am about to pull my hair out ) today I have 75 people that I have no idea if they are coming or not and all response cards should be in by the 25th.. thats when the hotel releases the rooms.. so everyone needs to have their room reserved by this thursday.. I started calling people on my list that had not responded yet.. to make sure they had indeed gotten an invitation.. most had .. and most said they were coming but they had lost the response card.. ooookay thats fine.. .. out of those 75 5 have already said they are coming.. so I divided the list up.. Steve will call his list... my mom called her list this morning and I am still calling my list... thats a possible 250 attending.. I still think its going to be right around 200... but we shall see...

TIME FOR THE QUESTION ; ANYONE HAVE ANY GOOD IDEAS FOR AN AFTER WEDDING CEREMONY SHOE THAT I CAN WEAR FOR THE RECEPTION SO I CAN HAVE HAPPY FEET AND DANCE?? that concluded the exciting blurb on where I am at with the wedding planning...

I just logged my food in.. I have gotten to where I am logging my food 5 days a week now so that is good.. and I am seeing that I need to still reel in the calorie count just a bit or so.. but otherwise my eating is good..
Logging food.. I know its boring.. I know its time consuming.. I know you hate it.. but simply just do it.. Logging your food in take is the best thing you can do as you journey down the scale.. be it logging your food on your blog or keeping a food journal at one of the many sites out there.. If I were to ask you to do anything for yourself its be honest and log what you eat so you really can know your calorie intake.. its another one of those helpful tools..

I loved those black bean brownies and am now looking at scratch recipes for them.. I want to cut back on the sugar a bit and make it with real dutch processed cocoa to give it that dark chocolate edge.. very yummy fudgy treat as is though..

Well I am going blogging now..
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

WHAT I HAVE DONE SO FAR THIS WEEKEND

Those black bean brownies.. ROCKED.. thanks a billion for that recipe

here is how they turned out:

I did well shopping.. 2 pair of black jeans one a 16W and one a 16.. now that was really cool a regular 16.. but there is a new jean out there I want to find out about Riders Slimming Fit Premium Five-Pocket Jeans going to see if i can find those tommorow...

Anyhow.. I had my make up done by the guy who will be doing it for the wedding .. it was the second run through.. so we timed it.. 30 minutes to do makeup for the wedding.. so thats good.. hair should take about 30 minutes too.. which puts us close to on time for photos before the wedding.. well.. about 29 days until the wedding.. whew.. I can not believe that.. so anyhow.. I also got the following tops... The jeans are just regular black jeans so I did not create a photo for them... .. tomorrow I pick Steve up from the airport.. and I am hoping we will get to go to the Antique Motorcycle races.. that would be fun...

Well.. off to bed..

Wish me well

Wish you well too..

GRAB YOUR CUPPA JOE OR YOUR BEVERAGE OF CHOICE YOU HAVE THREE SUNNY POSTS TO READ :-)

A CLOTHING RANT DONE HONI STYLE!!

JEANS AND TEES, AND DRESSES, OH MY!!!!!!!
I am going to attempt to do a little shopping this weekend... I need a new pair of black jeans.. a couple shirts.. and well I am going to stay away from dresses.. I simply do not do dresses yet.. could be because I have legs that resemble white tree trunks.. dunno..... no dresses for now.. except my wedding dress.. who apparently has been garning a lot of visitors lately and has a huge fan base... ( dress has been viewed by friends coming over to the house.. with out my knowledge.. ) that makes me secretly ( okay I guess it is not a secret anymore since I am sharing it with you) very excited and happy.. I will post a few pictures from the wedding for sure.. most of them will be on our wedding site when the time comes..

I hate shopping.. yes call me a freak of nature... but I am probably the one single woman out there that simply dreads shopping.. every now and then I get a twinkle in my body and a little glint that I enjoy it .. but those times are very rare.. I simply lack patience to look through racks of clothes that are either too expensive or won't fit... I end up feeling dejected and silly.. because I hope when I pick something that it will fit and I can get it.. Yes clothes fit better and are smaller but here is the rub... I LIVE IN CLOTHES PERGATORY .. here is why .. my butt is plus size still and my top is Large and Xtra Large... So finding things to match and finding sizes that work is so hard.. half the time I can not find anything in the larger size departments and stores because .. get this I am too small.. or they do not carrry a lot of choices for someone who rides the fence.. in the average sizes.. its a gamble sometimes I can find stuff sometimes not...
I would really like to look nice for my wedding weekend.. I will be meeting a lot of Steve's family I haven't met yet and even though I am 50 pounds over weight.. I still want to look attractive and feel attractive. You know.. yeah I know its a little vain.. but the reality is.. I am what I am right now.. not much will change between now and my wedding weekend less than a month away as of today.. but at least I know I have changed so much since last year at this time.. Things are so much better .. my eating is so much more on target.. so all of this is good..
Wish me luck finding clothes tomorrow..
Wish you well too...

OKAY YOU WANTED TO KNOW AND I AM TELLING YOU.. but you might change your mind after I tell you...

Okay so after work I went to the chiropractor.. he puts me on the table and hooks the stim pads to my back then puts a warming pad on my back as well.. this feels okay.. every time the stim goes off on my lower back it feels weird.. on my shoulders it feels like bugs crawling .. which is weird but in a feel good sort of way..
Then I was put on a table and a belt was put around my waste almost like a harness.. then this is hooked to a computerized machine that creates a traction the lower half of your body.. so basically my bottom half was being pulled in one direction while my top half was stationary.. THIS WAS PAST WEIRD in feeling.. i was not too hep on this nor did it relax me.. I did however wonder if it would make me taller lol ( I am after all 4 ft. 11 inches tall.. ) Then I was on massage table which was okay and then it was time for the adjustments.. 2 cracks to the neck.. those are not too bad just weird sounding.. 2 cracks to the back.. a little on the painful side.. and two leg pulls to help with knee and hip alignment.. no problem there.. I dont find it that relaxing during the procedures.. nor do I really look forward to it.. but it does seem create a bit of a difference for me.. so thats a good thing indeed..

See all ya gotta do is ask me and I tell.. :-)

HALLOWEEN.... and Stuff I googled for FRIDAY....

Something we do in our neighborhood at Halloween: Someone started doing this last year ..Yesterday morning we discovered our goody basket at the front door... so this morning.. on the way to take Steve to the airport we deposited 2 Goody baskets to two of our neighbors... Nothing like creeping up to your neighbors house at 5 am.. lol.. first you have to find neighbors that have not been hit.. as the letter states.. hope you can read it... in the goody basket is a mask.. you put that mask on your mailbox post.. so others know you have been hit.. Its kinda fun to do.
and gets us all in the Halloween spirit...




SOME HEALTHIER OPTIONS FOR HALLOWEENING :

Found this while googling...

Roasting Pumpkin Seeds :
Cutting open the top of the pumpkin,
reaching your hand into the ooey gooey mess of pumpkin seeds and “guts”, clearing it all out and beginning your canvas.
Aaahhh – the fabulous sense of Halloween is upon you. But wait!
After every good carving session,
you really should enjoy the oh-so-seasonal treat of fresh roasted pumpkin seeds!

Start by rinsing all the pumpkin guts from the seeds, then pat them dry with cotton tea towels.
In a bowl, mix your seeds with a little bit of cold-pressed sunflower or safflower oil, and a good shake or two of sea salt.
Spread onto a baking pan in a single layer and bake in a 350 degree oven until are light, golden brown, stirring occasionally to make sure they are evenly roasted.
Let them cool,
then crack them open and splurge on the delicious innards.
Now that tastes like Halloween!

Did you know that pumpkin seeds are a fabulous source of protein, iron, magnesium, manganese, phosphorous, fiber and amino acids? They also contain calcium, potassium, zinc, selenium, folate and niacin! What a power packed Halloween treat!
A FEW MORE HALLOWEEN IDEAS CHECK THESE LINKS OUT:


http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/9-19-2005-77119.asp

http://www.thatsfit.com/2007/10/09/a-few-simple-and-healthy-halloween-snack-ideas/

I did google some rather disturbing things.. there is an I hate fat people website out there.. It is called the Hate Book.. geez kinda scarey if you ask me.

From me to you:
The world out there seems to hate us..
The world in our soul strives to love ourselves as we are in this moment.. To me this moment does not mean forever.. it is just the Now.. who I am now and what I weigh right now.. I have to love that person as well as love the healthier thinner me being born.. with out love nothing can be done.. to hate oneself..is a waste of energy .. to love oneself is a work of art.
Be proud of your accomplishments thus far..
Love who you are .. even you are not in the exact place you want to be.

Wish me well
Wish you well too...

SO I REALLY DID HEAR MY NECK CRACK.. ecchh...

Yesterday I ventured out into the world of chiropractic care... and yes he did crack my neck.. and oddly enough.. my neck feels pretty darn good.. now the space between the back of my neck at the top of my ass ( MY BACK!!!!) is raging right now.. lets see if I can give you a graphic discription.. I woke up crying.. yeah thats pretty bad pain.. it lightened up a bit after a hot shower.. but I am sitting here wondering if the chiropractor is a good thing or a bad thing.. I can turn my neck completely to the left right now.. which is amazing because I have not done that in a VERY VERY LONG TIME.. and I* can turn it completely to the right and lean it back and fowards with very little pulling or pain.. but everything else is just screaming.. so.. if any one has done the chirpractor thing.. toss in your words of advice.. do i tough it out or give it up...

Food wise.. I am okay.. so thats good.. I am going to try a new recipe this weekend.. Black Bean brownies.. I am going to make it the cheap way first ( box brownie mix and black beans..) if I like it that way then I will use on of the scratch recipes.. suppose to be good.. we shall see.. I will post on it on Monday..
I want to thank each of you once again for your stellar responses and kind comments... I do so appreciate it ... and it is important to me that you know that....

. I was once asked to give a sample of my daily menu .. so here it is..: I am not big about posting what I eat since I keep a food log.. but here is an idea:

This morning...
Homemade real oatmeal ( I make it on Sunday night a huge batch and eat it throug the week)
with fresh chopped apples.. and a little fat free milk .. mixed together and nuked..

snack Yoplait thick and creamy 100 calorie yogurt YYY YUM...
small Black Arkansas apple with PB2 PB

Lunch will be : a tomato and light cream cheese sandwich on multi grain healthy bread
small Black Arkansas apple

Snack : Fiber one chocolate bar

Dinner : Homemade Chicken soup with lots of carrots in it YUMMMMY.. a slice of multi grain bread with a one ounce of a good hard cheese ( I forget the name) melted on it..

Snack ... 1 Sugar free fudge pop

Sometimes I eat more fruits .. some times more veggies.. sometimes I throw in a rice cake or 2 it just depends.. but that is my menu for today... now I gotta go log it..

Today I am keeping it short and sweet...
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

WHERE IS MY MIND??? AND A WHOLE SLEW OF RANDOM RANTING FOR WEDNESDAY

OKAY... sooooooo.. would someone please tell my why I threw out all my thank you notes over the weekend... I am not actually sure I did throw them out I just remember grabbing a bunch of papers and throwing them out and I think I picked up the thank you notes with the intention of putting them somewhere else so I would remember to use them to thank folks for our wedding gifts.. I have been doing a good job sending them out.. I have four right now I need to write.. why on earth would I have dumped them.. anyhow I went to Wallyvilla ( hey it makes Wallmart sound a little fancier don't you think?? me neither .. lol ) this morning to pick up some more.. as I am walking in the store I notice that my tee shirt is ripped.. wtf.. how did I do that???.. so I go to the clearance rack and found another black tee for about 3. 50.. my kinda tee shirt lol... ( i am in yoga clothes today because i am seeing that chiropractor doctor person who hopefully well help relieve some of this mess in my back.. I have got to do something before the wedding...) then I wander over to check out the yogurt and find my Thick and Creamy Yoplait light.. 100 calories.. this stuff ROCKS .. it is so good.. however why is it that that it must be on the top shelf????.. so I lean over the lower portion of the cooler.. and can barely reach the bottom cup.. I almost succesfully knocked down the whole display.. it wiggled and it wobbled and I even closed my eyes for a split second slowly opening one eye at time..... I was able to snag 4 of them with out doing too much damage.. I also bought 2 of the boston creme light.. I heard those were good too.. 110 calories I think .. ohh that reminds me after I post today I have to do my food log.. FOOD LOG.. ahhhhhhhhhh that reminds me..



I have a friend who has a terrific blog Scale Junkie that I discovered a while back.. I visit her daily as I visit most of you daily.. well.. I really got irritated ... when I was making my comment and noticed in the comment section that some dude or dud in this case.. really let her have it.. I mean it was to me very insulting and lousy... and that brings me too my next random rant... I checked this guys blog out.. and he posts his food log.. ... he is an OA member too.. he has lost a lot of weight and still has more to go.. but his eating.. is RIDICULOUS... nothing nutritional.. ( unless you call eating a king size snickers for lunch.. meeting all your food groups.. and I suppose in a off handed squinting your eyes really tight so you can see a different image way it is. nuts=protien, chocolate= dairy etc...) he harped on her rudely.. and I simply do not get that behavior..



EACH OF US HERE>> READING THIS.. BLOGGING... are on our on individual journeys and it is an honor to befriend each and every one of you.. I look forward to your comments as a way to nurture my soul .. not rant at me and tell me I am wrong.. who is anyone to tell me I am wrong???... Now granted I did just make a comment about that guy's eating habits.. but I guess that works for him.. and I do think his menus lack nutritional value.. but .. well.. I either I can say it nicely to him if I chose to post on his blog... maybe make some suggestions in a light and kind way..... I would never attack someone... I guess I am attacking him though.. I am sure each of you understands what I am trying to say... *sigh* ........... okay in case you do not .. what I am trying to say is... Suggesting things is one thing.. attacking people who are working so hard to try and change old habits and deal with old issues is an entirely different thing. Us that bare our souls out here.. don't need a kick in the ass... trust me .. we have kicked ourselves farther than anyone else can... what we need is positive energy. what we need is support.. and if something needs to be constructively commented on then do so kindly.. with a good heart... Not a wagging finger.. for the truth is... we are all in this together even if the journeys are a bit different .. we all have the ultimate same goal.. to be smaller , healthier and wiser... okay... enough ranting.. I am done..

going to go log my food..

Love you guys...

Wish me well

Wish you well too...

p.s. just found this site while I was hunting for a picture..

http://www.thedailyplate.com/

THIS THING CALLED FAT .. I JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT...

All of us have spent many hours thinking about being FAT .. about FOOD .. how we can eat less of it.. how we can change it.. thinking about willpower.. HOW DO WE HANDLE FOOD.. how do we have WILLPOWER...and how can one make the choice between the chocolate and the carrot. .. hmmm Willpower.. ? didn't we simply just make a choice by choosing the carrot over the chocolate.. is there really such a thing as willpower? with that in mind.. I decided to peruse the internet and see what I could find out about the mystical strength called willpower..... I was suprised to see many articles out there.. one that caught my eye was this one ..

http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/07/11/arts/snweight.php titled AN ARGUMENT FOR RETURNING TO TREATING OBESITY WITH SIMPLE WILLPOWER ... I liked what this doctor said.. I do believe that encouraging someone to exercise better choices.. and limiting snacking and exercising at least 3 times a week.. and encouraging them to use self control can work.. this article mentions that research has shown that people adapted better when society discourages bad health behavior ie.. drinking too much( bars can be held acountable for serving too much liquior to a customer via a few states that have legislated this into laws...) .. .. smoking ( taxing cigarettes has cut down on smoking) I seriously doubt that much will change for an over eater if there are more stringent society based rules.. Eating is far different than those other issues.. u can live with out liquor or cigarettes... but you have eat... I believe that individual responsibility is always the key.. We are responsible whether we want to be or not; we are responsible for our choices.. willpower or no willpower.. how one eats is a choice....

Another article titled Weight Loss: Does Willpower Matter : http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=77640

suggests that eating is about choices ( hello??) and not so much about willpower.. but that changing the way we think about food is a major key to successful weight loss. This article states that even when we feel an overwhelming desire to indulge that basically thats just our own behavior or a bad habit.... the article goes in more depth talking about the biology of willpower ...
Another area that caught my eye in this article was this : For many, the key lies in understanding their tolerance level for "food frustration," and the ability to plan ahead for how to handle it. I love that .. I really believe in that too especially in my life.. when I have a plan I succeed.. when I don't I flounder...

Last night when I gave my talk about motivation one of the factors the nutritionist bought up and I think is a very truthful is that when one eats... there are 4 bites of food that are the most important.. the first 2 bites of food are great.. as are the last 2.. the first two ... well it tastes good.. the last 2 because you know that your food is almost finished.. so to really be satisfied one only needs 4 bites.. ( NOT HUGE) of a food (say a holiday food ) to enjoy it. the bites in between are usually eaten mindlessly..

I also think that what we think about food or when we think something would taste really yummy that it is fine to THINK about it.. but try and shift your thinking to something else.. first... if that does not work.. it is far better to indulge in a bite or two than deny yourself and end up feeling like you are alway denying yourself.. when we deny ourselves we end up being resentful towards healthy eating.. this does not mean go out and eat 12 pieces of Pizza because you "DESIRE " that.. and you don't want to "DENY" yourself... it means changing your whole approach towards thinking and eating food.. If you know there are certain foods that trigger binges.. keep it out of the house.. and have it in portion controlled quantities should you be able to get it elsewhere. Know what you are eating and don't be afraid of logging it...

LOGGING IT??? Honi, you mean keeping a food record..
WHY yes.. thats exactly what I mean... keeping a food record.. either on the internet .. such as this site ..(I use this one) http://caloriecount.about.com/ or with just pen and a notebook .. is very important be it holiday foods.. or your daily foods.. keep a log.. as much of the time as you can.. its a great tool.. TOOL!!! its not being a tattle tale on you.. its a TOOL so you know what you are REALLY eating.. wether you eat on your program or indulge a little.. know what you are doing... know your choices..
Keeping this simple.. food logging, listening to yourself.. not berating yourself over a choice... being honest with yourself.. are tools that will help you as you.. and I journey through this ... thing.. called FAT .. on our way to a healthier self....
Wish me well
Wish you well too

SHOW AND TELL (What I did over the weekend and a cute video of Keep Away)

On the road somewhere near Collinsville, Al. I love taking pictures of these old farm houses:

I always see these guys on the corners in the small towns.. never have taken a photo of one before.... I wish I had taken a picture of the guy near the Sonic .... he had a HUGE picture of Jesus.. but it was evil looking.. mean... and he had a loudspeaker and was yelling at the passersby.. how bad they had sinned and so forth.. a group of bikers watched him intently from a CVS parking lot.. His voice was not preaching anything to do with love.. it was about hate.. and how evil we all are.. I think what bewildered me most about this screaming man is.. that he was not asking you to come praise God.. he was not asking you what you believed.. he was shouting at you how bad you are .. and you are hopeless unless you listen to him... what a contrast in pictures.. this peaceful man standing on street corner trying to deliver his message of faith.. and then down the road that Loud obnoxious.. ( I mean no offense to anyone of the Christian faith but I promise you had you seen this other guy screaming at people I think you would have felt really weird compared to seeing this peaceful man with a peaceful message)

A picture of Steve and I ...


A nice clean Motorcycle

and now for a cute video.. Steve and Bazzie play Keep Away

and .. that was my weekend.. hope you had a fun one...!!!

FOODCENTRIC and a thought on my Blog buddies

Ahh it's lovely Friday again and time for me to google to my hearts delight... lets see what I can come up with... For healthy recipes that are delicious try this website :
http://www.cookinglight.com/cooking/ I love COOKING LIGHT..

On Meals Matter I found this and it looks wonderful I have had this prepared similarly .. and its wonderful SWEET POTATO CASSAROLE http://www.mealsmatter.org/recipes-meals/recipe/8168

In case you were wondering what the worlds healthiest foods are try this website :http://www.whfoods.com/foodstoc.php

Snagged this from FOODFIT.com http://www.foodfit.com/recipes/recipe.asp?rid=942 pumkin cookies.. which is a great seque into my next topic.

This is dedicated to all of you who are moms or dads who while trying to lose weight and get healthier .. also raise famlies, take care of spouses.. deal with hectic schedules and far more food issues than I have to deal with..
See even though Steve is in the food business and if you go downstairs in our home.. there is every not so healthy treat you can imagine.. from samples of pies, to cookies, to bread doughs to cookie doughs to pre packaged honey buns, muffins, cookies, meats.. etc... I can avoid all of that..because its business.... but you .. the parent.. most folks do not want to deny their children treats while creating a healthier eating environment.. so you have to deal with not only creating your meals with snacks etc.. but having to dole out meals and snacks for your kids that may not exactly be on your program.. Steve and I eat basically the same thing.. and when he wants a naughty nosh .. or something I am staying away from.. he goes and has it.. and I dont have to deal with it.. I admire all of you who not only take care of yourselves but deal with feeding your children and having those other foods around that might not be in your best interest. Some people tell me that their kids eat what they eat.. some people tell me that they prepare one meal for themselves and something else for their spouses and kids.. well whatever group you fall into.. just know you have a fan out here in blogger land.. MORE POWER TO YOU.. now for those of us with out kids .. we are still grand warriors too.. I just wanted those that have more to handle to know exactly what I thought.. ROCK ON you guys .. You are amazing men and women to me and I SIMPLY LOVE YOUR BLOGS.. and everyone's blogs.. I think I am a BLOGAHOLIC.. .. hey thats it.. now I bet if I googled.. bloggers anonymous .. BA for short.. you think I would find it??? one never knows... does one...
Well time for Honi to go log her food..
Have a devine weekend.. get out there and walk.. eat healthy and most importanly enjoy life!!!
Wish me well
Wish you well too!!

OKAY I KNOW.. I have posted twice already .. had to share this with you .. FOOD MONITORING SHOPPING CARTS..

SAW THIS ON AOL

HERE IS WHAT IT SAYS:

Sure, you've got TV and your friends to remind you not to eat certain foods and tell you that you're a fatty, but what if your shopping cart told you before you even got out of the super market?

US-based technology company EDS imagines such a world, where intelligent shopping carts scan bar codes on food as you load them into your cart, giving you nutritional and ethical information about the products (as well as price) you're about to eat.

While the carts don't exist yet, they were outlined in a research paper published by EDS this week.

The concept carts are fitted with touch-screen computers that track the nutritional value of everything loaded into your cart. They tell you when you've exceeded a certain caloric limit or when your cart contains too many saturated fats, sodium, or carbohydrates. These smart-carts also save on packaging, since labels could be shed if consumers had access to nutritional information stored on the bar codes.Says EDS, "It's high-time that the humble barcode is recognized as a practical and cost-effective solution to consumers' thirst for information." hmmm not sure I am that Thirsty .....

MY SECRET NAMES : loved this so I borrowed it : MEME FROM CHOOSING TO LIVE (FUNNY)

My Secret Names
Really cute to do ...
My secret names:
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet & current car)
SHANE MATRIX

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
PRALINES AND CREAM CHOCOLATE CHIP

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
PURPLE PUPPY

4. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (Last 3 letters of one of my dog's name and first two letters of my other dog's name; use whatever names you like also and where they came from)
ZIECO not sure where I come from

5. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
THE RED SUNKIST diet ORANGE

6. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
DAVE HYMAN

7. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
MORGAN MEMPHIS

8. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
AUTUMN ROSES

9. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)
APPLE JEANSY ( now thats funny)

10. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
OATMEAL CHERRY BLOSSOM


11. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
THE MOTORCYLING SUNSHINE TOUR

Those where fun.. if you want to participate just copy the names fill in your own information and be sure to send me a link back in my coments...

I THINK I AM CHANGING MY NAME TO ASS BACKWARDS

I had this revelation last night when I was picking up my wedding dress .........
IT seems as if this is how I live my life...
I do everything backwards... including losing weight.. my goal for my wedding in November was to lose hopefully 50 pounds with 30 to go after the wedding.. BUTTTTTTTT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.. do you think I would do that?????.. no .. I lose 30 pounds with 50 to go... yeah .. I may lose a little more before the wedding but who knows.. with this set point I am at its been hard.... when I was a kid I crawled before I held my head up straight.. ( YES I was A FAT HEAD TOO lol even then) everyone thought I was a poser... I could not hold my head up straight geez.. I was suppose to be an October baby.. but I decided to wait until November 1... so not only am I backwards I am late too.. lol... I was suppose to be a lefty but back in grammar school they forced me to be a righty.. consequently I wrote some letter backwards for a while there... I like to read magazines from back to front...When I learned to drive .. I could back the car up perfect.. ( driving forwards was a different matter .....) I wonder if there is some pattern here..??? I have to laugh when I think that I am getting married at 45 for the first time.. thats just plain late not backwards... I got all my teeth late too as a child and never had wisdom teeth. Why on earth do they call those teeth wisdom teeth in the first place.. ?? they should be called .. the extra teeth I kept hidden for years decided to abcess their way out of my mouth teeth LOL.. I digress.. this post is about my being backwards.. HMM I got my wedding invitations with out a proper head count... mmm.. perhaps I just like to be a little unique in doing things I guess.. well I logged my food for today and taped in at just over 1,300 calories.. so thats good.. yesterday I was at 1,265 so that was good too.. I am getting a good handle on my logging again... at least I am not doing that backwards.. lol and I am meal planning again so thats even better.. and not backwards...
Thanks to everyone for your terrific comments recently and to my new visitors .. thank you for commenting and stopping by...
Wish me well..
Wish you well too..

SHAPING MY FUTURE

"I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny." ~Anonymous

I like this quote.. it is empowering..
A while back I mentioned to y'all that I was asked to give a speech , lecture discussion etc.. to a class at my wellness center.. My nutritionist led the class I took in January and this is the September group.. she asked me talk about what keeps me motivated..
In light of all the difficulties I have had lately with the pain, planning for our upcoming wedding, the loss of my aunt.. and so forth.. ( life as we all know it ) ... I questioned if I was a good motivator.. If I had the right to give a discussion on Motivation.
So today I am creating what I will say next Monday in front of this class.. This will be video taped and presented to the morning class as well.
So here it goes.. watch me spin.. and then tell me what you think..
the title will be :

~BRICK WALLS MUST BE PLOWED THROUGH~

How we can build motivation even in difficult times.

I love this quote :

"I shall shape my future, whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."

~Anonymous~

As with anything in life there is constant change. I feel that the hardest obstacle we have to learn is that change will always be there and that we have to learn to adapt to any situation. Those of us who have made the decision to change our lives by adopting better eating habits and better exercise habits have taken the first step to adapting to these changes.

Being an obese woman has not been easy and it was not a choice I made.. yes you can say to me Honi, you did not have to eat those cookies or that cake or that this or that... that was your choice to over eat.. while that may be true.. it was never a dream of mine to be the fat lady.. so with that in mine. I had to make some fresh decisions regarding how was I going to shape my future.

When met with an obstacle was I going to be to the old me and say well that cookie sure tastes better than walking on the track would.. um that ice cream sure would make the way that person is staring at me easier to take. Or would I say to myself I can make this better. I can do something different.

Just maybe if I am lucky an if I work at this.. I can finally after nearly 45 years understand that I am the one that has to adapt..

I am the one the one that has to be my constant motivator.

I am the one that has to believe in me each time the people that I have disappointed because of my obesity give up on me..

I still must believe in me..

and guess what?

this time..

it is DIFFERENT..

this time when I hit that proverbial brick wall something clicked.. something changed..

I learned that I could indeed maintain my weight..

I learned that through my obstacles , mine is chronic pain...I can come out a winner.. Look at me..

I am still obese I still have 50 pounds to go..

so am I success story?

YOU bet I am ..

You bet I am a success .

I am plowing through that brick wall..

yes it is wearing

yes eating would be so much easier..

indulging to extreme would be so easy..

for just a second it might even feel good..

but my body can't take it anymore.. my bones.. can't do it anymore.. my body said..

either you change or you die....

My doctor said to me December 18th 2006 either you make a change or I will put you on blood pressure medication in May. I gave in to myself and ate and ate and ate and ate.. whatever where ever however.. and then for a reason .. I am still not sure why..

I made an appointment here.

On January 22, 2007 I decided to live what I thought about..

I decided that I had to be a part of life .

I decided I had to learn that I can adapt my eating to every situation. I decided to learn and become better educated.

I took the 12 week class. I weighed in ever Monday night. I did well.. I started blogging for extra support and that for me has been a godsend because so many wonderful people out there get it.. So many people out there who I have yet to meet in person.. and most probably never will, totally get me.. totally understand . So I plow through that brick wall with :

1) SUPPORT

2) FAITH IN MYSELF

3) UNDERSTANDING THAT EVEN STAYING AT THE SAME WEIGHT FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME IS GOOD.

4) UNDERSTANDING THAT I MUST CONSTANTLY BE IN MOTION.. BE READY TO CHANGE .. BE EVER CHANGING IN ORDER FOR THIS TO BE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

That alone is difficult to accept..

I can never go back to how I ate before.. I have to move forward.

Eating healthy not only is good for all us.. but it is fun and that to me is another MOTIVATOR discovering new recipes or thinning out old ones.. I enjoy that plus my cooking skills improve.

Plowing through that brick wall is a matter of will.. it is a matter of desire and a matter of being tenacious. If you really want this.. you can do it.. Motivation is about the ability to adapt to change and be positive even if you feel a little uncomfortable in the process.

PLOW THROUGH YOUR BRICK WALL !

Alright that is it.. thats what I am going to say next Monday night and I might give out a recipe or two or something motivational.. maybe.. not sure yet..

Wish me well

Wish you well too

I am not just the sum of my pounds

Still talking to myself.. and asking am I suppose to feel proud that since January 22, 2007 I have lost nearly 30 pounds and maintained it for nearly 5 months as well . It took me 4 months before I hit the proverbial brick wall. I am riding it out.. no my eating has not been perfect. My exercise sporatic when I am usually in the low phases of pain. Should I be mad that I have not lost anything since May 10.. should I turn myself in to the fat police and get yelled at and told what a failure I am .. ( yeah thats going to motivate me all right.. motivate me all the way to a place I gave up a long time ago (OVEREATINGVILLE) ... should I view myself as a failure because I have not progressed.. ??? tell me what to do.. no you .. well you do not have to tell me what to do... I know whats right.. I know I need to feel proud that I have maintained this so far... ( that has never happened in my life .. its either lose weight or gain it right back no maintaining.. I might maintain when I am over eating but that is because the calorie count stays the same... ) well now.. thats the same with maintaining a weight loss .. hmmm.. yes ... that is what I am doing... maintaining for a length of time.. in a good way not a gaining way .. that is good.. I logged my calories today and if I eat everything I have planned I will eat 1355 calories today.. not bad... I still want to try and get back to 1200... i think with the exercising fiasco I am in.. that if I keep my calories closer to that mark I might see some more success before the wedding... So am I proud of myself.. hmm well I know I have dissapointed others... I know in other's eyes I am a failure again... but to me.. like my friend Scale Junkie said... I AM A SURVIVOR.. I can win.. just because things have stopped does not mean they have to go backwards.. they still can go forwards.. its just a matter of.. logging my food again .. religiously just like I used to do ( apparently this is a key for me and a useful tool.. it prevents me from increasing my portion sizes) and trying to do whatever I can to move.. exercise.. thats all I can do.. so .. to me.. I am not a dissapointment or failure... the hardest thing for me is being able to let go of what other people think of me.. even those that are closes to me.. even those who I would never dream of hurting or dissapointing... I am not just the sum of my pounds.. I am so much more... and losing or gaining weight should not be a sign of my character... I have a good character.. I have just struggled with this.. since I popped out into this planet.. thats all... there will be no quick fixes... no crash diets.. no crash anything.. no crash Honi...she is is still here.. I am still here..surviving...
well wish me well
wish you well too..

WHO IS TO BLAME

When a person has cancer who is to blame? did that person do something wrong.. and this is their punishment... ??? of course not... it just is... it happens... there is no plan or map.. or anything it knocks people off their feet with such gusto and shock.. and there are only 2 choices.. give in or stand up and fight.. I have been blessed in my life to know only fighters.. from my father ( a prostate cancer survivor until his death in 2001 from a car accident) several relatives and friends.. some have battled the disease twice.. some have won the fight.. some sadly have lost the fight) my Steve.. a prostate cancer survivor .. all around me.. I have known this disease in many many forms.. when you are a caregiver you see things.. You either see determined will or fear or both.. I have watched people vacillate from one to the other.. It is something out of our control.. and its frightening because it can hold us in it's grip.. so tightly .. or as tight as we choose to let it. Life suddenly becomes more precious and less mundane.. or time seems to stop.. almost as if it is leaving you behind... I can not imagine how I would feel were it me in that situation..
When I was at Southern Pain Services yesterday I spoke with a woman who was there with a friend who was recieving treatment for her pain. She does not have cancer but situation just as scarey.. and she prayers that these pain blocks will help her.. but they have not so far.. I sat there and asked myself what on earth am I doing here.. look how this lady's friend suffers .. and here is me.. I know my pain.. I have had it in various forms for almost 10 years now. I know its trickery and power.. I know all about it... and here I am short of surgery that may or may not work trying to find another option to help me cope with pain .. cope with it better.. I am not a pill taker.. and I want to treat myself as pure as possible.. I think thats why I liked this pain psychologist so much.. he understood that. He did not push the pain blocks on me.. he understood that I am not there yet. especially with my wedding coming up next month.. I just want the volume of the pain to be turned down .. he understood that too... so I sat there and I wondered did I deserve to seek treatment .. did I deserve to seek relief while that woman suffers so with her pain.. and for her .. her options our not very good and VERY risky.. life threatening...and then here was me.. with the pain screaming up my back and pouring into my shoulders.. and shooting down my arm.. and back around my neck.. I think I hurt worse just thinking about why I should not be there.. and then I asked myself.. who is to blame.. did I put myself here.. and my answer.. unlike those of a cancer patient or survivor or this lady mentioned above.. is for the most part YES.. I put myself here by not taking care of my body.. by increasing my body weight to an extent that when I did regular things my spine and an amazing twist of ligaments and soft tissue has a hard time supporting me.. now .. does that mean if I were thin.. I would not have any of these issues.. ABSOLUTELY NOT.. thin people have herniated disks too.. I Know that.. but had I .. just done things different.. perhaps I would not have chronic pain.. so who is to blame.. is it just my hand.. my luck .. my fate... or is no one to blame.. it just happened.. and it just is.. and it is up to me to deal with it.. and work on healing.. and getting.. Healthier and stronger so I can cope even better...
Just a view.. just a thought..
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

GOOGLING MY WAY TOWARDS RANDOMNESS ON FRIDAY

HMMM so its Friday and here I am on my waltz through the web.. yeah I know I sort of did this yesterday .. oh well.. back again.... uhmm well I just waltzed away for an hour .. :-) Somehow I wandered into digital scrapbooking and slideshows similiar to what I have on my blog.. I want to create both a printable and burnable presentation .. I also want to be able to scan old photos and place them on disc as well.. So my multitalented friends.. its input time... can you guide me to find an affordable program either software or downloadable that will allow me to create such programs.. now I know with my digital camera program I can scan my old photos and store them.. ( have not done that yet.. but want too.. ) ... So any ideas that you might have would really rock.. I appreciate it...

I saw the pain psychologist yesterday .. he was fabulous.. I will be seeing him once a month .. each month I get homework to do.. will be taking it step by step... he will be sending me to a new PT and a massage therapist .. and help develop a program ultimately that will allow me to exercise with out injury and proceed on this life changing journey.. I am really excited and felt so good when I left there yesterday because he was someone that understood in no uncertain terms.. how I felt.. I have a feeling if I listen to him.. use the tools he is providing me with.. this pain noise might finally lower its volume... YAY.. this is good.. really really good.. finally developing a plan.. YAY!!!!!!!!!

Lets see I decided to Google MOTIVATION....

QUOTES :

" The limits of your strength are unknown until they are tested. It is in that moment that you'll realize there are no bounds."

"You must be bold, confident, and strong. Fight for what you believe in. Be unyielding towards your goal and have faith and trust in yourself that the end will justify the means"

" It is said that when you wake up in the morning you have two choices. You can continue your dream in the bed, or you can get up and make your dream become true."

" Success is at arms reach, so why are your arms folded? Be not your own enemy by procrastination, instead be your own hero by self-motivation. Just do it!"

" Champions know, if they want to win, they have to be prepared to constantly change the game plan and challenge themselves and their performance. Have you changed your game plan to success?"

" Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence."

So my friends, by simple googling Motivation today.. and clicking on (clicking can bring great suprises sometimes...)
http://www.motivateus.com/rememb.htm

I found some interesting words of wisdom.. from folks from all walks of life... all of what is said above.. can be applyed to any thing we want to achieve.. weight loss, better health, employment, love, marriage, our futures.. etc....

Have a great weekend!
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

SEEING THINGS...

Not much going on rather than the usual... I did a little perusing today and it was pointed out to me to check out http://www.theweighwewere.com/Blog-Directory/ for some reason my blog is listed in that directory too.. not exactly sure how I got there but I guess thats okay... I prefer putting myself somewhere or if someone wants to link my blog to theirs I am fine with that.. Its just those big websites I am not to sure about.. oh well. its really not an issue.. I suppose the more people that read me the better.. right? normally on Fridays I post about my wanderings on the web... today I was at a little loss as to what to post so I decided to wander a bit today and see what i could find... here are some tidbits... if you type in FAT at google here is something rather sad and annoying : http://www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com/ sometimes I have no idea why I click on stuff.. very pathetic indeed.. I thought at first it was a pro large size site.. but I was wrong. its one of many abusive sites...as expected the abusive sites are numerous... when you type in obese http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=obese here is what you get.. information about obesity.. pictures of obese people and some odd looking creature... so forth...when you type in thin you get a lot of computer info and a new health care provider .. wahhh.. oh well thats weird...oh and you get a HBO special about dying to be thin..if you type in skinny one of the first websites that comes up is about skinny famous people.. WHO CARES ????? and also SKINNY COW.. one of my favorite dessert and treat lines by the way.. if you don't know about them they are wonderful for their frozen low fat novelties.. here is the link http://www.skinnycow.com/ very yummy indeed.... my point.. where is the offensive stuff on thin or skinny people.. I see nothing.. nothing sad.. nothing really news worthy.. but when you type in FAT.. welcome to the world of hate...type in Fat People and it even gets worse... Okay I know I am being a bit obsessive about my latest sojourn out on the web and I should not be .. I know I know.. I just find this odd... We talked about anorexia not to long ago and the scarey links to the various clubs out there.. but none of those are hateful....so far here was the only link I found when typing in Fat People that was justafiable and kind.. http://www.naafa.org/documents/brochures/myths.html ohhh wait it from the http://www.naafa.org/ National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance that could explain it... do you see where I am walking towards..... this follows us.. this mocks us.. those that have accepted their size and are healthy but not losing weight.. those of us who do want to change.. and are working towards that goal daily.. those that do not give damn... those that give everything but stumble and trip and give up and come back.. and try and try again... I ask myself though it is not my business I know, what possesses a person to lower themselves for these photos.. I am not talking about the nice ones I talking about the sad ones.. the humiliating ones.. Okay .. I know.. perhaps that person in that photo does not care.. perhaps they see a way to make easy money.. perhaps they think they are beautiful .. I dunno and as I said before its not really my business I know.. but I just can not help but wonder.. you know.. why?

A large size person who is trying to make a difference in themselves battles the worst demons in themselves.. most of the time we berate ourselves for not fitting in that seat.. for taking up a bit more room.. praying to god that our ass does not knock over that valuable vase or glass work... A large person knows everything anyone might want to throw their way.. we know.. we lived it.. we live it..

As I have lost weight I still see myelf through fat eyes.. I doubt if I will ever see myself through healthy eyes.. I will deal with this the rest of my life but I will deal in better health.. even if I can not quiet see it.. even if my size 18s are too big.. even as I get into smaller size clothes.. I will have to work I will have to ebb and flow like the tide against the shore of my life.. as I still have much further to travel.. 50 more pounds to go...I will get there .. just like the rest of you. and maybe one day .. it will be harder to Google Fat or Fat People..

Wish me well

Wish you well too