HOW DO I BEGIN?

To dream anything that you want to dream. That is the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed." --Bernard Edmonds

How after 44 years do I begin to peel these fine layers away... like onion skin it has that tonic touch that keeps binding against me layer by layer... How do I let this go..? It is not about the fat.. it is deeper.. How does a body find a place that is safe when it sheds it's hiding place??? That is what it has been for me.. Hiding.. Hiding from people.. Hiding from things.. Hiding from posibilities... I have even thought there is some kind of cloud that follows me... for whenever I have achieved great weight loss.. reached a goal and am beginning to maintain it.. In less than a month something tragic happens... The first big weight loss over 40 pounds Diet Center... My sister was ill.. it was horendous..I had to arrange things ... I had to do what my parents could not do ... I can remember the first slip off the path.. watching them go into the hospital as I hung back in the car eating everyone's left over sandwiches... it was the first FOOD FOOD I had had in months and months.. and in that food I found a blanket..... and then I walked in the hospital and dealt with things.. that was the end of that... Then in 1989 I did Nutra System.. I lost over 50 pounds.. shortly after that success .. my mother had open heart surgery.. I was the one that stayed with her.. I was the one that listened to her.. I was the one who at 3 am walked to the cafeteria and ate icecream sandwich after icecream sandwich looking for some blanket... then Dad had prostate cancer a couple years after that... the weight slid on like a old bathrobe.. knowing me well.Then in 2001 I did WW and was so proud.. I was on my way .. I had lost over 30 pounds I Had a new outfit on.. we (my boyfriend and I ) were going to meet my folks for dinner like we did every Friday nite especially since 9/11 .. then it happened... The phone rang......I got the call shortly after 3 pm. My folks were on their way back from Atlanta ( they had a business there, and commuted weekly) ( we live in Alabama ) Either Dad had dozed off ..or worse had a heart attack.. no one knows.. what they do know is the van they were driving... started vering to the median and when dad realized this.. he over corrected and the van flipped 3 and one half times, My father was killed instantly and my mom was left with the burden of surviving her husband of nearly 50 years. My mother sustained serious damage to her right hand that resulted in a metal plate being put in as well as a skin graft. I will never forget the ride to Anniston Alabama from Birmingham, Alabama.. Normally its around 45 minutes.. but this time it was as if every thing were moving in slow motion. My boyfriend's office was above mine at the time.. I called him he raced down stairs and drove me to Anniston.. as I said this usually quick ride seemed to last for ever.. I knew in my heart of hearts..that my father was gone.. the EMT who called me would not tell me.. I called various hospitals in the area.. he was not there.. When I called the hospital where my mom was they told me to get there has fast as I could.. lord knows we were doing our best.. At that moment I thought I had lost both of my parents... When I walked up the hill to that hospital from the parking lot.. I knew clearly what I was about to face.. but it was not until I was in a room with Steve ( my boyfriend ) and the Doctor and when he uttered those words.. I am sorry but your father is gone.. there was nothing we could do... I fell into Steve's arms in heap.. the Doctor said my mom did not know... and I would have to tell her.. Me.. even though I was 39 years old.. ( my birthday is November 1st.) I was still the baby of the family.. I was the one that had to give this news.. I was the one that would make all the phone calls.. and listen to people scream on the other end... How would I mourn.. my dad.. my best friend...but I get ahead of myself...I told my mom..but truth be told.. she knew... she knew in the tumble of metal and plastic and shattering of glass that her life was forever changed.in less than 10 seconds her world viciously changed. I told mom that the blood on the side of her head was hers ..from her hand.. but it wasnt.. it was my fathers... she said that if that blood was Dads that she could never wash it off.. so I lied.. so the hospital staff could clean her up.. and clean her wounds... I walked back into the hallway.. and the State Trooper greeted me with a hug.. and gave me my dads things... ( to think one's life can be reduced to an envelope.. or so I thought at the time) The EMT who phoned me.. waited and waited outside for me.. bless her.. We talked for a long time.. she hugged me.. and she told me when I was ready to call her and she would tell me what happened to my dad.. I did make that call a week later.. and she assured me that with the type of injury dad sustained that his death likely happened with in 2-8 seconds.... My life saving friends made their way to Anniston by evening.. bringing coolers of food.. a change of clothes.. Trying to help me process this all.. My Steve was by my side non stop... We had just been dating a little over a year.. .. He did his best to balance the stratosphere of my life... I rode in the ambulance with my mom the next day... She had to be in the hospital in Birmingham.. I remember ordering people around.. ( something I would have never done in my previous life .. the life before 3:15 pm November 9th 2001 the day my dad died ) telling them to do what needed to be done.. I remember going to the funeral home..and having to put my name on my dads death certificate because apparently neither of my older sisters nor my uncle ( my dads brother) was capable of doing it... they all looked at that piece of paper and slid it to me.. giving various excuses as to why their names could not be signed to it.. I was still so baffled by this all...
Dad used to say no one would come to his funeral no one would remember him.... NO one ... but over 600 people.. My father was loved.. by so many .. and touched so many lives .. even he had no clue.. when I gave one of the Eulogies.. I touched my Dad's casket..( i remember how rough the wood was) and looked around and though how pleased Dad would be if he only knew.. how many lives he had touched.. How many people had not forgotten him.. ... and then it was over.. memorial service followed by the funeral.. Standing there.. over his grave as I tipped shovel full and shovel full of dirt on his casket.. ( In the Jewish faith it is a final act of kindness to help bury a loved one.. it is the final thing you can do for them... each person if they want, can tip 3 shovel fulls of dirt over the casket after it is lowered into the ground..believe it or not you find comfort in that) I thought back to his mothers funeral not 2 years prior.. We had both been standing next to each other.. and I was watching this guy lower her casket into the grave when suddenly his cigarettes and lighter fell into the grave.. My dad said UH OH.. and we looked at each other... (I said.. whats she gonna do.. step out for a smoke.. to which my dad smiled.. My grandmother was well into her 90s and had lived a good life...) but this time.. Dad was not beside me.. his body was below me.. and his soul was all around.. I could not find anything to smile about.. no warm memory yet had come flooding into my heart.. there seemed to be no relief... Even with all the loved ones around..i felt so alone.....I would visit Dads grave often.. Steve and I would ride the motorcycle out there sometimes or take the dog.. ( we have 2 now) out there.. we visited often and still do but only on occasion now.. for one day I realized.. that Dad was right in my heart... that when I would touch the top of my head.. I had his wave there... I inherited his curly hair .. he kept his brushed back so he had these waves.. and when I pull my hair back in a ponytail.. I have those same waves.... I also came to realize that dieing as he did.. as traumatic as it was.. was probably the best way to lose him... My father had prostate cancer.. and it was not surgically fesible to remove it.. He had had radition therapy in the early 90s for it.and it worked for a long time.. shortly before his death his PSA's where climbling back up.. he would have died from cancer had he not left us this way.. I find a strange comfort there.. knowing that he did not have to suffer ... .. My mom healed from her physical wounds but still suffers with her emotional ones... It is a whole different world for her... and it has been a very difficult ride these last 5 years for her.. . Shortly after Dad died.. I threw out that new outfit.. it just meant nothing to me...
6 months after losing Dad .. .. Steve was diagnosed with prostate cancer.. he was diagnosed on his 50th birthday... ( GOD I WISH DAD HAD BEEN THERE TO WALK WITH HIM)... Steve got to have the surgery.. and is doing great now...no cancer.. thank God) Steve and I have seen a lot and been through a lot in our 7 years together... We have lost many close relatives to cancer and losing my dad was horrible too.. during that time.. sadly I gave up on myself.. I made half hearted attempts to lose weight.. I did not care though. I lost my job.. then i found a new one.. I lost that one .. hernitated a couple disks in my back ( i had already had major back surgery in 1996) Injured my knee then my ankle... it was a rough 2001- 2006. I just did not care... In June I started working with a friend .. and now things seem to have a rythm.. Now comes the Doctor .... this past December I went in for a physical.. and the doctor said it simply... either you lose weight .. or I will have to put you on blood pressure medication when I see you in May... So I researched and researched what would truely work for me.. and I am hoping I have found it... I am doing the Mayo Clinic Healthy Weight for Everybody.. I attend weekly classes at the fitness center were I belong as well.. I weigh weekly and go to class and when the classes are finished in 11 weeks I am going to continue to see the nutritionist on a weekly basis... I need the accountability... I am exercising in the therapy swimming pool and going in the big pool a little too.. ( the cold bothers me though I like the warmer pool and since I am so short when I go in the deep end of the therapy pool the water is past my shoulders... so it works well for water jogging.. and using the foam weights and such.. ) Things are getting better ..
HMMM... I guess thats what it is about... those are the layers... as you feel that things are getting better a new layer has dissapeared.. and just perhaps... I am truely finding my way.. and should in the middle or after my weight loss something tragic occur... that did not occur because I lost weight because I was feeling good.. the tragic part of life occurs .. because it just does... bad things happen for no reason... It is with resilency that we survive.. and those of us that succeed have actually believed in that dream of changing and had that courage to make that dream come true and stay true... that is what I want.. that is how I can get there.. Things are getting better...layer by layer....