CAUGHT BETWEEN TRAPEZES

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to. - Marilyn Ferguson

I love this quote.. for I have often felt that during this changing period of my life like I am .. jumping from one area to the next area ... no net below to catch me... and it can be frightening. At the same time it feels good to know I am not so caught up in my old ways that I can develop new ways to deal with whatever comes along.
I find myself most successful when I take things one step at a time. Taking a few minutes to adjust and then moving on to the next issue.
My food logging is going well. It has been a tremendous guide in helping navigate these changes. I have also just started an activities log to start tracking my activites and exercise.. Activities are different than Exercise. Activities are things you do everyday.. like house cleaning, laundry... playing with the dog.. things like that.. Exercise is just that.. Exercise.. more concentrated. When you combine Activity with Exercise you get an even better idea how your body processes energy.
Keeping these logs really seem to be helping me...
Also keeping my blogs active and sharing with you my successes and failures help keep me in line as well...
Getting ready to head to my appointment...
Wish me well
Wish you well too
Until Next time...

WALKING ON SUNSHINE and a SHAKE UP CALL

I always liked that song.. and it is applicable for right now... I did it..

Current Weight : 199. straight up

Lost: 12.5 pounds

Starting Weight :211.5

Goal Weight: 132

Thats the good.. I was celebrating.. and so excited.. and proud.. I called one of my dear friends..just to chat and let her know about my first goal... I knew she had had a lot on her plate lately.. and had been diagnosed with various health issues.. all of them managable.. I did not expect what came out of her mouth though.. She got a call this morning.. and one of the tests showed something that was not showing up in other tests... she has to have another test later this week.. to rule out Cancer. I listened to her talk ..and I could hear the ache in her voice.. the fear of the unknown.. she is a mom.. with very young children... she is more scared for them than herself.. She has always preached to me .. do not worry about something unless you have something to worry about.. unless there is fact and proof.. Tonight I gave the advice.. and I told her what she has always told me.. Lets see whats going on before we assume the worst.. That does little to comfort I know.. for there is no worse fear than the fear of not knowing what is happening inside our bodies... We would like to think we control our bodies.. fact is .. there is not much we can control about our bodies.. our bodies react to environmental conditions, how we nuture it ... and yes what we do to it.. Control we have is random.. yes we can control what we eat and how we exercise.. but .. its all in the hand of fate as where our bodies have the weak links... So as I told her.. lets just see.. its okay to be scared... be angry anything you want to be... but lets just wait and see.. So tonight or tommorow whenever it is you might be talking to the God of your choosing... please toss in an extra prayer for her.. to help her with her fear until she finds outs what really going on.. and to help her have strength no matter what the news is..
Wish me well...
Wish you well too..
Until next time...

COUNTDOWN

IT has been a zoofericious Monday... Non stop. I just got a few minutes to take a break and eat some lunch.. and BREATH which is always a good thing!!! Tonite I weigh in.. and I am praying its the big one.. The big one that closes the door on 200+ pounds and lets me slide into the 190s-
thats my hope.. I am going to try and not be disapointed if I am not there yet.. All good things in good time. I have tweaks I can make to what I am doing.. Exercise more .. Drink more fluid. things like that... places that need to be fine tuned anyhow... So.. I am keeping this short and sweet and will post stats tonite..
Wish me well
Wish you well too!!
Until next time

WE DO CHOOSE HOW TO LIVE

All men and women are born, live suffer and die; what distinguishes us one from another is our dreams, whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things, and what we do to make them come about... We do not choose to be born. We do not choose our parents. We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth, or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing. We do not, most of us, choose to die; nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death. But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live. – Joseph Epstein

CHOOSING HOW TO LIVE

Most of my life I have chosen to use food as a comfort.. as a blanket as well.. Food has been my hiding place more often that not. I have had a great romance with food. A terrible hate relationship as well. When I was denied food, I found it and hid it in bedroom as a child. When I was told I could not have this or that… believe me I found a way. I was not trying to be malicious or anything.. it just never seemed fair to me that everyone could eat what ever they wanted .. but me. I can remember being in my early 20s and going to a nice restaurant for dinner with my family and friends... here I was a young adult.. and once again someone was deciding what I could eat and what I should not eat.. I had just lost 40 something pounds.. and had a good dinner.. well it was decided that a piece of pie would suffice as birthday cake.. someone brought the pie to the table and put a candle in it. Everyone else had dessert.. and I blew out my candle.. I went to lift my fork and have a bite of the pie.. and the pie was removed from my place setting.. I was so humiliated.. this person said to me.. Oh I did not intend for you to eat the slice of pie .. I just wanted you to get to blow the candle out.. Whether or not this person was trying to act in my best interest was of no value to me. Don’t put a slice of pie in front of me and not expect me to want a taste.. After the feelings of anger and embarrassment washed over me.. I remember just feeling disgusted. Not with myself.. because I had chosen to exercise self control and just have a taste.. but because once again someone in my life ( my mother is the someone for those enquiring minds) was deciding what I should and should not do… NOT only is food a choice but everything we do is a choice, As a young adult or older adult.. We are capable of making our own choices regarding what we do or do not put in our bodies.. We can choose to exercise. We can choose what our motivation is. We are free to make those choices. I wish when I was younger.. going back to when I was child and was put on a diet at 10 years old to lose 20 pounds.. I wish back then someone had given me a choice. Perhaps I would not be learning NOW… all of these things that I should have learned at a far younger age.. We can learn things at any age.. I know that.. But if I had been taught back then.. how to eat in moderation and been given desserts instead of given the "LOOK" .. If I had just been given food like other kids.. maybe it would have been nothing special.. perhaps I would not have focused on it. The most ironic thing now is that food is my therapy.. I dont view it as an enemy anymore or something I am not allowed to have.. I am learning that eating smaller portions and moving my body allows me the opportunity should I choose .. to have that damn piece of pie .. if I really wanted it.. and do you know something amazing.. I really do not want it.. Although I did kinda want the cinnamon rolls last night that my sweety was baking for a presentation today .. ( he is a food broker) .. We have a test kitchen in our downstairs area .. IF you guys saw what I live with on a daily basis.. I am sure you would freak out a bit... Downstairs are BOXES and I do MEAN BOXES of HONEY BUNS, CINNAMON ROLLS, cases and cases of COOKIES and Cakes.. and all kinds of bread dough.. HE gets samples all the time to bake off.. I came home last night and pulled into the garage and it was like heaven had opened up and given me the sweet smell of homemade bread and cinnamon rolls.. DID IT BOTHER me you might ask??? hmmm well only because I was hungry did it start to intice me.. I went upstairs and made my dinner and I was fine... I even came back downstairs and helped him package all the breads and rolls... Last nights cinnamon rolls ( these had to baked off and were not the pre packaged ones he has also) made the garbage because they did not bake correctly... I brought in all the left over bread to my boss.. ( she has a family of 7 to feed) this bread did not make the cut to go to the presentation..
So does all this food in the house bother me... NOPE... simply because thats a business downstairs. That is his business.. and thats what it is in my mind... This coming from a woman who used to have her own cookie company called A Taste of Honi... I did that in the early 90s ... and busted my butt with it too.. I loved doing it at the time. I sold to local coffee houses. That was a long time ago.. So back to the present and future..... Time to make choices.. healthy ones... Everything is about what we choose for ourselves
Wishing you good choices today....
Wish me Well
Wish you well too.
Until Next time…

GOOD BYE OLD FRIEND

Last night I got a text message from a friend who informed me that a mutual friend of ours from our previous job had died last night. He was in his mid 40s, married with a little girl about 7 or 8 years old. Very nice guy... He was not feeling well yesterday and his doctor took an xray and told him that tomorrow he needed to see a cardiologist. Tomorrow never came.. he had massive heart attack and died at his home alone.. His wife and daughter found him. Why am I sharing this with you today??? He shared our issues.. over weight, obese.. call it what you want. He was a big guy .. and his heart finally gave out. He had lost weight before. I know I was there... He would often tell me he could tell when I was trying agan because I would start tucking in my shirts... to me this moment defines even more so, why making life changes and not just going on a diet are crucial. Those of us who are in are mid 40s know this to be true... that if we do not make these changes.. our lives will be altered far sooner than we anticipated. I will miss my old friend though we had not spoken in a while now.. it was nice to know that somewhere out there.. there was a friendly face that I might see again.. Now that again is over. I am so sad for his family... sad for his little girl... and wishing that he had just had the power to have turned his life around perhaps this would not have happened.. To those of us that are on our own better health journeys.. let this stand as a reminder that at its most basic level... your changes will extend your chances for a longer life.
Farewell old friend...
Wish me well
Wish you well too
Until Next time...

But Still.....

The future depends on what we do in the present.Mahatma Gandhi

The reality of now is that we only have this one moment to decide what choices we are going to make. We can chose how to eat, We can chose wether or not to exercise. We can choose our attitude for the day as well.
Each smaller thing.. leads us to the bigger thing.. the bigger goal.

The Future depends on my attitude towards me and my self approval of my accomplishments.... I find my self getting dissapointed when I seek that infamous approval from my significant other. I keep wanting him to say Honi, You are doing a fantastic job. or you are heading in the right direction.. Instead I might get a pat on the belly and a this has to go comment... Or that look that says .. why is this not happening faster.. Personally, I am happy with myself .. and I guess that is what really matters.. I have lost 10.25 pounds since January 22 .. and I think that is pretty darn good. Yet still there is that part of me that turns to the person I love so much and that loves me... and all I want to hear is great job.. or I am proud of you.. NOW NOW.. don't get me wrong he is VERY UNDERSTANDING AND VERY SUPPORTIVE.. and I have dissapointed him so very much in the past by not taking care of myself.. I have let him and myself down in the worst ways by not getting myself healthier. It hinders so much when I am not healthy.. when I have a knee that won't behave correctly or severe ankle pain because my body is breaking down from being an obese person... thats the facts.. So I know what my past has been and I understand his rather reserved attitude. But Still... perhaps somewhere down the line when my body has changed more and he can see it more will he truely believe that I mean business this time. I suppose the reality is.. I am the one that has to have faith in myself.. I am the one that has to approve of me.... and I can not depend on others to supply that faith or approval for me. But Still....
Wish me well
Wish you well too..
Until Next time

LOST :2.3 pounds

GRAND TOTAL: 10.3 pounds.. Yay me...

.STILL TO GO : A lot

STARTING WEIGHT: 211.5

CURRENT WEIGHT :201.3

GOAL WEIGHT: 132

night night...

ACTIONS

Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."
-Benjamin Disraeli

ACTIONS. I reallly like that quote.. it is simple and the truth. How do we expect to have happiness in our lives with out creating some kind of action to obtain it. Bad things find us, no matter what. Good things occasionally happen, but more often than not we have to work for those good things. Be it weight loss, a job promotion, a good relationship. Those things do not happen wtih out action. In just a few short minutes I am going to weigh in.. I am a little nervous as always. I hope I am going to have a drop down week. My calorie count this week was a little low...because I have a lot of excitement going on in my life right now.. Yes I will share this good news very shortly but right now I can't. I didn't focus on eating well, much less eating this week.. but I never ate wrong either.. I just let my body dictate wether I was hungery or not. Which I guess is what a lot of people do.. Eat when they are hungry not because the clock says so. I am trying to be very focused with my eating so I dont reach a level where I might go the wrong way. So I am trying to be very careful... This week my action will be to monitor my food intake and increase my exercise.. Next Monday, I am going to walk on the track.. hopefully one mile.. it just depends on my feet .. This time I will not let those in better health who move faster than me deter me.. or make me feel bad. .I will just do my thing. One step at a time.. .. I am going to swim tomorrow nite and thursday night.. and Sunday.. So I am planning all around.. I need to get to class after work.. but I am also having a bout of dry eye.. and I need to get to the pharmacy and get the gel I need for my eye. I also graduated today.. .. what I mean is.. I have joined the realm of progressive lense wearers. I wear glasses part of the week and contacts the rest of the week. The good doctor and I have decided it is time for me to have a little bump up in my Rx .. This weekend I could not read the small type in the paper .. (times for movies) I have severe dry eye anyhow and it has decided to act up a bit because of all the dry air from the heat in the house and office..... No fun but hopefully it will clear up before this weekend.. .. I need to wear my contact lenses Friday and Saturday... big family event. My new glasses wont arrive until next week.. ( for those of you that do not know.. I work for an optometrist) I am excited about my new glasses... they are drill mount.. I have some sharp black frames now that I love.. but since my Rx is so high my glasses tend to be heavy. The new ones will be lighter... and giving into a progressive lens will now prevent me from having any eye strain. It was kinda cool that with just a little bump up.. I could see tiny words so much clearer and defined. Okay enough rambling about eye wear....
Here is to an action filled week for all of us..
Wish me well,
Wish you well too.
Will post stats this evening

WELL BUTTER MY BUTT AND CALL ME BISCUIT

Everyone has the talent to some degree: even making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you know whether it tastes better to you with raspberry jam or grape jelly; on chewy pumpernickel or white toast.”Anna Shapiro, 'A Feast of Words' (1996)


OHHHH MY has the last 24 hours been a totally great adventure... I can't spill the beans on one thing yet.. so I will tell you about the other... I am a big Fan of Hungry-girl.com .. and she did not disapoint me.. I ordered the PB2 and it is awesome.. okay let me explain..
PB2 is powdered Peanut butter . 2 tablespoons is 54 calories and 2.8 grams of fat.. You take 2 tbs of pb2 mix with 1 tbs of water.. and PRESTO u have peanut butter.. u can add the powder to recipes .. u can mix it with jelly for a A # 1 PB & J sandwich.. or u can just mix it with water put it in a container and have it for apple dipping.. like I did today.. smells great and tastes good too... here is the site if you want to order it. http://www.bellplantation.com/new/ click on this then click on OUR PRODUCTS.. minium order for PB2 is 4 jars.. with shipping it was about 18 dollars or so. MONEY WELL SPENT.. this is great for those of us that LOVE peanut butter.. I plan on ordering it again and again and again... excellent purchase... just wanted to share that with you.
All is well .. my calorie count today is great range so I am pretty content about that.. all is well.. No swimming tonite though.. still not 100% and its so cold here.. I dont want to chance anything.. gonna try and get to the pool this weekend...
Thats my plan..
wish me well...
wish you well too
Until next time

POTENTIAL

Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.
-Oprah Winfrey

I like that quote.. because what you do with what you have at the time you are in, is the most important thing.. It is all we truely have. I am feeling a bit guilty right now because I just did my food log for the day and my total intake is 1386 calories. Normally I stay closer to the 1200 range.. and here I am 186 calories over where I usually am.. It bothers me.. but in the long run, we are not going out to dinner tonite.. and the reality of that is , that if we were I would probably top out at close to 2000 calories once I ate my way through garlic bread, salad and eggplant parm. and tirmasu (shared of course) for dessert.. that would have been my dinner had we gone to our favorite Italian restaurant. Tonite we are eating at home... Dinner will be salad with rasberry vinegarette dressing, I do a salad with pumpkin seeds, almonds fresh baby greens, manderine oranges.. and the dressing.. it is so good.. Steve is going to make one steak and give me my 1.5 ounces . we are going to have small redskin potatos as well.. baked. and some sauteed spinach with a little garlic. (sauteed in a little Olive Oil) .. so its not an unhealthy meal.. My problem was that I really did not consider my meal planning better.. So by the time I actually filled in what I had eaten it was too late by the time I had entered dinner. It is not that is horrible or anything I know that.. but it sure is amazing how fast the calories add up.. oh well... I will keep a tighter rein tomorrow and tomorrow night I am going to get in the pool so thats good too.. OKAY nothing but Positive and nothing but Potential... its alll goood!!!
Wish me Well
Wish you well too
Until Next time!!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

THE SPARK

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.
-Anon.

My Spark is still there so thats good... This week was good.. now I am trudging forth into a new one.. So far eating is on cue.. I just wish I felt better. My plan this week is to get in the Therapy pool on Thursday , that will make 2 nights of exercising this week.. and compared to the none I have done in the last couple of weeks .. this too is good. I did walk my 8 laps last nite and I was happy about that.. but during that time before a friend joined me... I was pretty down.. All because 2 very thin women passed me on the track and I tried so hard to keep pace with them.. I just simply could not.. and I watched them walk farther and farther away... and there I was loping along like an elephant, trunk swinging from side to side.. I could feel the stinging sensation of tears in my eyes.. but I kept on.. and I slowed my pace to a pace I could handle and I walked those 8 laps.. half a mile. My friend joined me for the last lap or 2 and it was nice to see a really friendly face.. it made me feel better. I talked about that experience last night in the class.. that that is such a challange for me.. Not being able to keep up with people. Our nutritionist said the most profound thing to me.. basically the only person I should compete against is my self.. and that competition is based on just pushing myself a little farther each time.. GOALS.. POSITIVE ATTITUDE.. and hopefully bit by bit it will all fall into place...
Wish me well
Wish you well too
Until Next time

SHORT AND SWEET

Just posting stats tonight will have longer post tomorrow morning.

.LOST :2 and 3/4 pounds

GRAND TOTAL: 7.8 pounds..

Yay me....

STILL TO GO : A lot

STARTING WEIGHT: 211.5

CURRENT WEIGHT :203.8

GOAL WEIGHT: 132

night night...

WILL POWER

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."Mahatma Gandhi

Well .. I weigh this evening.. I am still going to try and walk around the track 8 times.. I am still under the weather a good bit.. My main goal is just to weigh at 5:45.. and if I can, walk.. and then go to the class and come home.. if this morning is any indication of how the rest of my day will be .. not sure how far I will get. I hate feeling yucky as most of us do. So I am trying to stay as positive as I can... That is why I picked this particular quote today... this is about our WILL! Our WILL POWER! we all have it, we just forget to exercise it on occassion.. I am not necessarily talking about the willpower you use to keep from over indulging.. I am more so refering to the WILL POWER we have over ourselves and the way we tend to think. I know I have plenty of those negative tapes in my head.. even the ones I deam as funny can be negative. The Will we you use to define ourselves. I think Will can be better spent focusing on what is right about ourselves.. or what we over came in a day. for example.. if someone gave you "the look" today and you did not allow it to make you feel bad about yourself, that is using WILL POWER, The WILL to see whats good about you and not what someone else might think is bad. To me it is very hard to do, to override what someone else is thinking about your appearance.. I think those of us that are overweight have an ESP of sorts.. we can look at someone and pretty much know what they are thinking about us because of "that look" they are giving us. I remember once visiting NY city and I was walking down the street with a friend of mine and some woman with a thick northern accent said.. "GAWD do you have take up the whole sideWAK" she said that to me... I was having such a good time.. my initial response was "screw you" I did not say it out loud of course.. but I thought it.. I was fat then too.. and I just did not let that one incident ruin my good time..but I could have. Somewhere along the way I forgot how to keep that.. that strong will, not caring what someone else thought... and thats what we all need to hold on to.. not allowing others to project their feeling onto us.. that takes a huge amount of WILL POWER ..so to me the key to really achieving the goal of forever weight loss starts with the Power of our WILL over the things that are negative, then comes the belief in ourselves that we can achieve this, followed by good nutrition and physical exercise. Each cog making the wheel in ourselves turn to achieve what we want...
I will post again this evening after I weigh in.
Wish me well,
Wish you well too
Until next time...

LET'S BE COURAGOUS TOGETHER

ALAN COHEN:
It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

In our old selves we find comfort.. we know what the fat body feels like.. no matter how we dress up the word fat that is what it is.. FAT.. we know what it feels like each day , when we struggle up steps, struggle to fit in a seat that is to small for our backsides.. worried that the chair might want to come with us when we leave.. We know the "comfort" of people looking at us twice... or giving us that up an down look.. you know the one.... but if just for a second ...let go of that blanket.. if just for a second we peek out and see what the world offers.. maybe the old is not so good.. maybe being the happy jolly one.. or the quiet one .. or the nice one.. or the pretty face one .. or this one or that one... is just not enough anymore... Maybe the aching knees and easily twisted ankles.. and back that cringes at extra movement.. maybe that safety is just not as sweet anymore.. when we look beyond it all. Obesity is not a comfort... being overweight is a hiding place.. You might sharply disagree with me.. and thats okay.. but there is such a better world out there than the ones we have allowed our old selves to create... Sure ... allowing ourselves that extra piece of pie... or eating whatever excess we want.. might just seem okay.. I loved going to the quick mart buying Buddy Bars, and Rice Krispie treats and Candy bars.. and garbage after garbage and eating it.. I loved it.. well not really because after the excess is gone .. all I really was left with .. is just extra fat and shame .. and acid reflux to the max... and then the realization that now I just have .. more body to move... no comfort in that .. really.... So I am peeking at the other side.. sure there are difficulties.. but what if each of us.. decides that being courageous and shedding our old selves for a new self.. what if .. it is better.. different.. but better.. It takes so much courage to change.. don't kid yourself... Weight loss is about Courage.. Thats the truth.. First comes the courage to change.. the action to change, by changing our lifestyles and lastly having the courage to stay in the new lifestyle even when everything feels so difficult.. NOTICE: I NEVER USED THE WORD DIET>>> diet is a bad word... sure you can go on a diet and lose weight.. but the courage comes in maintaining a new lifestyle.. the word is LIFESTYLE .. change.... Courage....When we see that changing our bodies creates opportunity for new adventures with our families and loved ones.. that is so cool.. I mean what could be better than being with those you love.. and participating with comfort.. thats a pretty good motivator to me...
Wish me well
Wish you well too
Until Next time..

A GOOD BELLY FILLER

Sometimes there is nothing like a good belly filler lunch! I took 2 pieces of White Wheat Bread (50 cal. each) Sprayed each piece with parkay spray butter (back and front side) I took one slice of 2% sharp sliced cheese placed that between the bread ,put it in my toaster oven.. and POOOF CREAMY Grilled cheese sandwich with out all the extra fat and i had a cup of tomato soup.. the microwavable one 120 cal.. Really good.. nothing like tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich it was EXCELLENT.... I am going to round up some good recipes very soon and post them.. Not much really going on today... and I didnt find a quote for today that I liked.. So I am going to search a little and might post a little later on... OTherwise.. wish me well.. wish you well too...
Until next time

IF YOU FIND MY NOSE PLEASE SEND IT HOME

" You build on failure. You use it as a stepping-stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space."Johnny Cash

Well I am totally yuckified... cold cough..etc... but the regular me will return soon.. Getting my meds after work.. and am going to concentrate on a peaceful weekend loaded with chicken soup, toast, fresh fruit and veggies.. some eggs and sleeeep..
Eating has been good.. I had a rather smiley face thing happen this morning.. normally, I get on the scale Monday night after work in my yoga pants (not like I have ever done yoga but I like how soft the pants are .. :-) ) and tee shirt and barefoot. This morning.. I got on.. and saw that I was at 200.2 pounds.. Our scale is matched to our Doctors scale for the most part.. so its accurate... but I go by the night time weight since thats when I started.. it is a positive stroke though to see my hard work is paying off.. Right now my major goal is feel better and hopefully monday night I will get to walk those 8 laps after I weigh in, before class.

So for this post... I do believe that old Johnny had it right .. you build on failure..instead of seeing it has a dark cloud you let it lift you to the next level.. learn from your mistakes and move on..energy is best spent on being positive.. and doing the right thing for our bodies... eating smart, exercising.. resting.. and having faith always in ourselves. Success, real success is never won easily.. For all that struggle makes success all that much more sweeter...
My hope is that I remember this when I have my first weight gain.. and rest assured that will happen.. we can't all be perfection, and our bodies are not these machines that are programmed to respond a certain way.. I will always try my hardest but in the event I faulter.. I will not let it consume me.. for I am more than just a number on a scale, I am me.. I am Honi.. one day at time, one step at a time ... one moment at time.. No more failure, no more diet.. just changing "weighs"... That is what I titled my journal I am creating.. it contains my food logs , exercise logs, recipes and tips and all my logged menus on line.. It contains info on my program as well. Another tool I am using to help me along on this new journey.
On that note.. Wish me well..
Wish you well too..
Until Next time!!!!

Tonight I choose My Attitude

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances." -- Victor Frankl

ATTITUDE says it all.. you can be difficult or you can do what needs to be done. You can be brave or lock yourself up and never move forward.. You can have a strong positive attitude even in the worst of times. Your Attitude is your own... A postive Attitude goes farther than a negative one. When you are postive and you smile.. your face won't hurt.. When you are negative and frown.. your face hurts from all the worry.. pretty simplistic but think about how it feels.. when you smile... Your face feels good.. even if you smile for a long time it is a light feeling...... but when you frown.. its like a cement block on your head.. and it weighs you down... POSITIVE ATTITUDE.... try it on for a while... It comes in every size and is for every body!~ HONI

Yeah I chose my attitude.. I feel like POOOP!! seriously, I am okay.. I will survive.. I just feel whiney.. so I am going to whine right now.. cover your ears...
Boy I am glad the day is almost over.. I feel yucky.. my mouth is doing pretty good.. a little pain .. nothing major.. my throat on the other hand feels as if i have swallowed shattered glass... and when I sneeze.. well.. frankly I am surprised that my head is still on my body... oh well.. enough whining.. I was due for cold.. Eating wise.. things are good.. work out wise things suck.. but I am just not going to wallow.. I will get to that as soon as I feel better.. no big deal. man.. I would love getting in the pool though... but I am gonna wait until what ever this is.. runs it's measly course...

Hey did you guys here about Anna Nicole Smith.. that sucks.. I was never really a fan.. but that lady as different as she was.. sure has had a rough time this past year.. Regardless I hope she is at peace... and I hope who ever ends up with her daughter.. raises her by telling her the good about her mom.. for I am sure she will learn about the bad all too soon. (SIGH.). Such is life...

Let's keep it POSITIVE as much as we can!!!
Wish me well
Wish you well too
Until Next time...

I SURVIVED YAY

Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.- Mark Twain

Well this time it was not as bad as the last time... However this time my face itches so badly its driving me crazy.. I guess the novacane is wearing off... My jaw is pretty tender right now though and yawning would be no no... I was a little green in my tummy a little bit ago.. so I took a slice of white wheat bread (50 cal) and put a tiny bit less than a teaspoon of PB on it.. I feel better now.. I was going to have some mango but I did not want anything really sweet... going to take some advil too.. my cheek is puffy but not horrible so that is good.. Ice helps all that though. All and all the root canal is finally over and I can move on YAY... gotta go back in a year for a check up.. and in 3 week I have to call my dentist and get ready for the crown to be put on. Otherwise I only have one other gripe and its ... I think I am getting ready to have a cold.. been having that drippy crap down the back of throat and it woke me around 3 this morning ... just hurts ya know.. I even drank green tea last nite.. YUCCCCK... but its suppose to be helpful.. so we will see..

Habit.. what a great word.. we can have good habits.. we can have bad Habits... it is all choice, free will and repeating the same thing over and over and POOF!!!! you have a HABIT ... we can make each effort a new habit.. exercise, choosing a piece of fruit over a piece of cake.. over and over again.. and somehow.. your body just kicks in.. and goes for the HABIT... It can work against us too... Habit... why suppose if we do the opposite... cake over fruit... over and over again.. well then.. we want that cake... I am not saying don't ever have cake.. but make cake the treat.. and fruit the habit.... Meals out a treat and Meals at home a habit. French fries a treat.. VEGGIES a habit... you can anything in moderation... and moderation also means .. every so often... not once a day, once a week.. but ONCE IN A WHILE... and when you feel the need for that treat opt for the smaller size.. eat it slow.. close your eyes and taste your treat... enjoy it... don't fret over it.. and be done with it... Something you might want to try sometime... at your next meal.. as you take a bite of food.. close your eyes... ( don't be embarrassed) close your eyes and concentrate on what is in your mouth... chew it slowly.. feel the texture of your food... taste your food.. let it sit on your tongue for a second or so... swallow it.. and do that a few more times.. I promise food tastes so different when you take time to enjoy it... try it... You'll like it~~
Wish me well
Wish you well too
Until next time

TUESDAY

GOOD MORNING!! Well I got to work this morning and saw a rather unusual sight, there were bunches and bunches and bunches of birds all around our office.. they were lined up on the roof top .. like Christmas lights.. They were in the trees and all over the grass.. it was strange.. I guess with all the cold weather in the North these birds are migrating as far South as they can go. As I got out of my car.. I looked around for Alfred Hitchcock that movie THE BIRDS has always tripped me out ... I was scared to death of seagulls when I was a kid.. lol.. oh welll.. I am hoping for a good week, even though tomorrow is the final ( I SURE HOPE SO) part of that dreaded root canal.. My eating has been on target so that is good.. I hope yours has been too...since I am not sure how I will be feeling this week... I am setting my goal for next week to at least go to the pool 2 times preferably 3 and next Monday to walk 8 times around the track before class... Speaking of which.. the class is awesome.. there are some terrific folks in there.. I remember my first impression when I was in that room and watching others come in.. OH MY GOD I AM THE BIGGEST PERSON IN THE ROOM!!!!! but then it occured to me.. that each of us there.. want to change something about ourselves.. or at least get a better grip on eating healthy. It is the same with all of us here.. we each want to change something about ourselves.. Most of us traverse a similar path, Losing Weight Road. LWR is a good thing, but it will not be a smooth journey as we know from our many attempts to traverse this road before.. the thing is.. is that if we have developed a good plan of action.. a good map.. then perhaps this time it will be different.. that when we see huge gaps in the road or when we see drop offs.. we will not panic but build bridges to see us through. A bridge requires just simply being creative with our choices. The foundation of that bridge is simply believing we can succeed. This bridge will be long term, this bridge will be what takes us to the other side .. A BETTER BODY BOULEVARD and HEALTHY CIRCLE.. for a circle never ends .. once we get there.
Wish me well
Wish you well
Until Next time

SHORT BUT HAPPY

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there. Author Uknown


Just posting stats tonight will have longer post tomorrow morning..

LOST :2 pounds
GRAND TOTAL: 5.5 pounds.. Yay me....
STILL TO GO : A lot
STARTING WEIGHT: 211.5
CURRENT WEIGHT :206
GOAL WEIGHT: 132
night night...

SLEEPY SUNDAY MORNING

I stayed up way to late last night noodling with my weight loss ticker thingie... (YAAAAAAWN).. but alas its a beautiful but chilly Sunday morning... I am hoping to go swim at the wellness center today... I think we might go for a ride in the country sans motorcycle because of the cold outside.. just gonna go in the car which still is fun. I love that bike though.. and my newest hobby is taking photos from the back of the bike and making video clips...http://inhoniswords.blogspot.com/ thats my other blog with our riding tales on it... not much this winter simply because the weather has been down right cold lately... but there are some old stories there which are pretty neat.. and some fun pictures too...
SOOOOOOO tommorow is the big day.. another weigh in.. what with the root canal on Wednesday and getting it finished up this coming Wednesday.. my appetite is really at a all time low.. I have stayed below 1260 calories each day .. the most I went over this week was by 60 calories and that was on fruit which is fine... Welll I am going to go get my day started.. Wish me luck for tomorrow...Wish you well too...
Until Next Time....

HOW DO I BEGIN?

To dream anything that you want to dream. That is the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed." --Bernard Edmonds

How after 44 years do I begin to peel these fine layers away... like onion skin it has that tonic touch that keeps binding against me layer by layer... How do I let this go..? It is not about the fat.. it is deeper.. How does a body find a place that is safe when it sheds it's hiding place??? That is what it has been for me.. Hiding.. Hiding from people.. Hiding from things.. Hiding from posibilities... I have even thought there is some kind of cloud that follows me... for whenever I have achieved great weight loss.. reached a goal and am beginning to maintain it.. In less than a month something tragic happens... The first big weight loss over 40 pounds Diet Center... My sister was ill.. it was horendous..I had to arrange things ... I had to do what my parents could not do ... I can remember the first slip off the path.. watching them go into the hospital as I hung back in the car eating everyone's left over sandwiches... it was the first FOOD FOOD I had had in months and months.. and in that food I found a blanket..... and then I walked in the hospital and dealt with things.. that was the end of that... Then in 1989 I did Nutra System.. I lost over 50 pounds.. shortly after that success .. my mother had open heart surgery.. I was the one that stayed with her.. I was the one that listened to her.. I was the one who at 3 am walked to the cafeteria and ate icecream sandwich after icecream sandwich looking for some blanket... then Dad had prostate cancer a couple years after that... the weight slid on like a old bathrobe.. knowing me well.Then in 2001 I did WW and was so proud.. I was on my way .. I had lost over 30 pounds I Had a new outfit on.. we (my boyfriend and I ) were going to meet my folks for dinner like we did every Friday nite especially since 9/11 .. then it happened... The phone rang......I got the call shortly after 3 pm. My folks were on their way back from Atlanta ( they had a business there, and commuted weekly) ( we live in Alabama ) Either Dad had dozed off ..or worse had a heart attack.. no one knows.. what they do know is the van they were driving... started vering to the median and when dad realized this.. he over corrected and the van flipped 3 and one half times, My father was killed instantly and my mom was left with the burden of surviving her husband of nearly 50 years. My mother sustained serious damage to her right hand that resulted in a metal plate being put in as well as a skin graft. I will never forget the ride to Anniston Alabama from Birmingham, Alabama.. Normally its around 45 minutes.. but this time it was as if every thing were moving in slow motion. My boyfriend's office was above mine at the time.. I called him he raced down stairs and drove me to Anniston.. as I said this usually quick ride seemed to last for ever.. I knew in my heart of hearts..that my father was gone.. the EMT who called me would not tell me.. I called various hospitals in the area.. he was not there.. When I called the hospital where my mom was they told me to get there has fast as I could.. lord knows we were doing our best.. At that moment I thought I had lost both of my parents... When I walked up the hill to that hospital from the parking lot.. I knew clearly what I was about to face.. but it was not until I was in a room with Steve ( my boyfriend ) and the Doctor and when he uttered those words.. I am sorry but your father is gone.. there was nothing we could do... I fell into Steve's arms in heap.. the Doctor said my mom did not know... and I would have to tell her.. Me.. even though I was 39 years old.. ( my birthday is November 1st.) I was still the baby of the family.. I was the one that had to give this news.. I was the one that would make all the phone calls.. and listen to people scream on the other end... How would I mourn.. my dad.. my best friend...but I get ahead of myself...I told my mom..but truth be told.. she knew... she knew in the tumble of metal and plastic and shattering of glass that her life was forever changed.in less than 10 seconds her world viciously changed. I told mom that the blood on the side of her head was hers ..from her hand.. but it wasnt.. it was my fathers... she said that if that blood was Dads that she could never wash it off.. so I lied.. so the hospital staff could clean her up.. and clean her wounds... I walked back into the hallway.. and the State Trooper greeted me with a hug.. and gave me my dads things... ( to think one's life can be reduced to an envelope.. or so I thought at the time) The EMT who phoned me.. waited and waited outside for me.. bless her.. We talked for a long time.. she hugged me.. and she told me when I was ready to call her and she would tell me what happened to my dad.. I did make that call a week later.. and she assured me that with the type of injury dad sustained that his death likely happened with in 2-8 seconds.... My life saving friends made their way to Anniston by evening.. bringing coolers of food.. a change of clothes.. Trying to help me process this all.. My Steve was by my side non stop... We had just been dating a little over a year.. .. He did his best to balance the stratosphere of my life... I rode in the ambulance with my mom the next day... She had to be in the hospital in Birmingham.. I remember ordering people around.. ( something I would have never done in my previous life .. the life before 3:15 pm November 9th 2001 the day my dad died ) telling them to do what needed to be done.. I remember going to the funeral home..and having to put my name on my dads death certificate because apparently neither of my older sisters nor my uncle ( my dads brother) was capable of doing it... they all looked at that piece of paper and slid it to me.. giving various excuses as to why their names could not be signed to it.. I was still so baffled by this all...
Dad used to say no one would come to his funeral no one would remember him.... NO one ... but over 600 people.. My father was loved.. by so many .. and touched so many lives .. even he had no clue.. when I gave one of the Eulogies.. I touched my Dad's casket..( i remember how rough the wood was) and looked around and though how pleased Dad would be if he only knew.. how many lives he had touched.. How many people had not forgotten him.. ... and then it was over.. memorial service followed by the funeral.. Standing there.. over his grave as I tipped shovel full and shovel full of dirt on his casket.. ( In the Jewish faith it is a final act of kindness to help bury a loved one.. it is the final thing you can do for them... each person if they want, can tip 3 shovel fulls of dirt over the casket after it is lowered into the ground..believe it or not you find comfort in that) I thought back to his mothers funeral not 2 years prior.. We had both been standing next to each other.. and I was watching this guy lower her casket into the grave when suddenly his cigarettes and lighter fell into the grave.. My dad said UH OH.. and we looked at each other... (I said.. whats she gonna do.. step out for a smoke.. to which my dad smiled.. My grandmother was well into her 90s and had lived a good life...) but this time.. Dad was not beside me.. his body was below me.. and his soul was all around.. I could not find anything to smile about.. no warm memory yet had come flooding into my heart.. there seemed to be no relief... Even with all the loved ones around..i felt so alone.....I would visit Dads grave often.. Steve and I would ride the motorcycle out there sometimes or take the dog.. ( we have 2 now) out there.. we visited often and still do but only on occasion now.. for one day I realized.. that Dad was right in my heart... that when I would touch the top of my head.. I had his wave there... I inherited his curly hair .. he kept his brushed back so he had these waves.. and when I pull my hair back in a ponytail.. I have those same waves.... I also came to realize that dieing as he did.. as traumatic as it was.. was probably the best way to lose him... My father had prostate cancer.. and it was not surgically fesible to remove it.. He had had radition therapy in the early 90s for it.and it worked for a long time.. shortly before his death his PSA's where climbling back up.. he would have died from cancer had he not left us this way.. I find a strange comfort there.. knowing that he did not have to suffer ... .. My mom healed from her physical wounds but still suffers with her emotional ones... It is a whole different world for her... and it has been a very difficult ride these last 5 years for her.. . Shortly after Dad died.. I threw out that new outfit.. it just meant nothing to me...
6 months after losing Dad .. .. Steve was diagnosed with prostate cancer.. he was diagnosed on his 50th birthday... ( GOD I WISH DAD HAD BEEN THERE TO WALK WITH HIM)... Steve got to have the surgery.. and is doing great now...no cancer.. thank God) Steve and I have seen a lot and been through a lot in our 7 years together... We have lost many close relatives to cancer and losing my dad was horrible too.. during that time.. sadly I gave up on myself.. I made half hearted attempts to lose weight.. I did not care though. I lost my job.. then i found a new one.. I lost that one .. hernitated a couple disks in my back ( i had already had major back surgery in 1996) Injured my knee then my ankle... it was a rough 2001- 2006. I just did not care... In June I started working with a friend .. and now things seem to have a rythm.. Now comes the Doctor .... this past December I went in for a physical.. and the doctor said it simply... either you lose weight .. or I will have to put you on blood pressure medication when I see you in May... So I researched and researched what would truely work for me.. and I am hoping I have found it... I am doing the Mayo Clinic Healthy Weight for Everybody.. I attend weekly classes at the fitness center were I belong as well.. I weigh weekly and go to class and when the classes are finished in 11 weeks I am going to continue to see the nutritionist on a weekly basis... I need the accountability... I am exercising in the therapy swimming pool and going in the big pool a little too.. ( the cold bothers me though I like the warmer pool and since I am so short when I go in the deep end of the therapy pool the water is past my shoulders... so it works well for water jogging.. and using the foam weights and such.. ) Things are getting better ..
HMMM... I guess thats what it is about... those are the layers... as you feel that things are getting better a new layer has dissapeared.. and just perhaps... I am truely finding my way.. and should in the middle or after my weight loss something tragic occur... that did not occur because I lost weight because I was feeling good.. the tragic part of life occurs .. because it just does... bad things happen for no reason... It is with resilency that we survive.. and those of us that succeed have actually believed in that dream of changing and had that courage to make that dream come true and stay true... that is what I want.. that is how I can get there.. Things are getting better...layer by layer....

FRIDAY INSPIRATION

I have decided that at the beginning of each of my posts I am going to start with a postive quote that I find and I will also post it in my SIDEBAR under INSPIRATION STATION.. you are welcome to copy any quote you like .. SO here is the first one : There is no "have to" in the journey of life. You don't "have to" do anything...nothing, nada, zip, zilch. You can either choose to do it or you can choose the consequences."- Pat Crose Now on to the serious business of the day YAY!!!! IT IS FRIDAY!... the day is almost done and the weekend approaches.. nothing spectacular going on.. I actually feel fairly decent today... Yesterday was kind of painful though... it took me forever to eat... which I guess is a good thing... I feel good about blogging too.. If folks read my words and can find things they can relate too .. that is just so great to me... why have to make changes alone? if others share similiar goals... I have not been really devine about exercising this week.. with the first half of the root canal done on Wednesday and the second half next Wednesday I have decided that I am going to try and get to the pool this Sunday and this Monday ride the recumbant bike before my class at the wellness center... I might even go Tuesday evening as well just depending on when I get out of the office.. but at least I will get 2 work out days in... Then I plan to start going 3 times a week and eventually go 4 times a week.. and then 5... but for now.. I am working on going 2 the 3... taking those baby steps... Eating has been good..I did not get in all my calories on Wednesday obviously.. Thursday I did good.. and today is going well too. all and all.. things are okay.. Emotionally I am hanging in there.. I just want to succeed at this so badly.. I want to overcome my hurdles.. ( my physical issues.. herniated disks in my back.. torn miniscus in the right Knee and Tendon issues in the right foot) and find myself eventually at the other end of success.. It is like climbling a rainbow.. here we are amidst all these colors we are blending and changing things.. making lifestyle changes.. the rainbow grows and grows.. only our pots of gold are not gold.. but good health.. and it's value is far greater than any numerical thought. Have a great weekend.. Stay focused and have faith in yourself..
Wish me well.... Wish you well too..