FAMILY FROM OUR WEDDING

Friday, September 21, 2007

MY OWN KIND OF NORMAL...

I was taking my Friday meandering along the virtual sidewalk of the Internet... perusing some new things... I guess since my blog is mostly focused .. well .. on me... lol.. or on my struggle to get healthier and stronger...I have never really examined the other side of life... Anorexia... a universe so foreign to me.. yet so parallel... I opened some of these ( I will not post links.. all you have to do is google pro anorexia to be astounded at what is out there) sites and was well.. deeply saddened.. so many of these young ladies bragging about starving... so many of these young ladies with a warped perception of how they should be.. how they should look.. how they can control themselves when their world around them is spinning out of control... CONTROL... I know something about that... We who battle our body image.. know that founding tool of our weakness is control.. when we control our eating patterns.. when we control our exercise... when we monitor ourselves... we have a sense of control.. and in that form it is a very good thing.. yet CONTROL can be wickedly evil too... Our sense of self becomes lost... our sense of what is real and what is not become like the image in a fun house mirror.. what is real? we simply can not tell... I say we because those of us.. who wage a war on pounds are similiar in many ways to those who binge and purge and starve and destroy their bodies... they want control too.. they yearn for that control.. they think if they master control over their bodies.. and get down to the lowest weight possible.. then they will finally be NORMAL... so I ask myself.. whats normal? whats CONTROL on these two seperate but similiar universes... We on the Fat Planet ... are working to get thinner and stronger and better so we can live longer healthier lives... Those on the Anorexic Planet... believe they can never be thin enough... so they go to disturbing lengths to achieve what they some how believe is so important... they have developed some sense of CONTROL they believe... We believe similiarly that if we control our calorie intake.. and exercise.. we will lose weight and ... perhaps then the world will spin correctly.. perhaps then we will have finally achieved being NORMAL.... but what is NORMAL..???. I really think there is no normal.. unless you just consider what the status quo is doing as normal.. I really think in the kinks and twists of life.. there is nothing that would truely define NORMAL.. so normal.. would simply be.. what works for the individual.. the comfort place... the place where they achieve the most control... and fit into the mainstream of life... I really do not know... All of my life I have struggled with that... I was never.. status quo normal... not just in weight... but .. I had to deal with undiagnosed ADD, and a Learning Difference ... until I was 16( I HATE the term DISABILITY.... I AM NOT DISABLED) Life for me has always been a fight and struggle... but thats okay... I always knew I was not NORMAL by the mainstream. When everyone would go right.. I would go left.. I just never could quiet get in step... and that is all okay by me... I notice for example when I go to my synagogue that I am not like everyone else my age... I dont have kids.. I am getting married at 45... for the first time... I don't have the school zone issues... the clique issues... I am not part of any clique.. nor am I really part of anything.. I sort of circle around.. and land where I am comfortable.. and that works for me... So maybe I am my own kind of Normal..perhaps that is how I have survived all these years... I am not complaining.. I would not have my compassion or insight had I not lived this life of mine.. so I am grateful for my struggles ... I could have done with out the weight issue... I still wonder what it would have been like to be naturally thin... I still wonder what it would have been like to be a clothes horse... or been in the Mainstream "normal" world.. I do wonder about it... I guess in a way I sort of understand the pro anorexia people... though I think its tremendously sad. At least our battle .. each of our individual wars... should have positive outcome.. no matter how many times we have to fight the good fight... or get tattered and torn and stand back up again... we do it.. we continue and thats good...... those folks over there.. they will be lucky if they see their 40s... 50s and beyond... we improve ourselves.. they for the most part kill themselves... no offense to anyone mind you... its just the way I see it... In my own kind of normal world...

This evening begins the most holiest time of the Jewish year.. Yom Kippur... the day of atonement.. info on Yom Kippur: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yom_Kippur

One of the most major sins a Jewish person can commit is breaking a vow.. either a vow to God or a vow between one person and another... so at this time of year.. is when you ask forgiveness. The day before Yom Kippur you supposedly ask those people you have hurt for forgiveness and On Yom Kippur day that is when you ask God for forgiveness for breaking vows with him.. I hope that makes sense.. it was a pretty simplistic way to say something very complicated .. lol...
So on this day before Yom Kippur I ask for your forgiveness if I have hurt you in any way...

To my Jewish Friends... I wish you an easy fast and yummy break the fast .. and if you working on your healthy eating program.. its okay to have a knish or two.. just sort of be mindful of what you are doing... for myself.. at my cousin's house the menu is pretty much the same each year... SO I have a good idea of what I am going to do... Concentrate on the fresh fruit and salad and pick two things I only get this time of year... then after waiting 20 minutes.. if i am still hungry.. I will allow myself 2 cookies.. ( again a certain type I only get this type of year) Yeah I know I sound totally anal about it.. but better to have a plan then be planless...

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND !!!
Wish me well
Wish you well too

2 comments:

cadbury_vw said...

control

normal

yeah

your post is well written and thought provoking. i am going to mull it for awhile in my brain - perhaps a further comment later - for now i am thinking about the questions you posed and the pints you've made

Kellie said...

Regardless of the number on the scale, we all struggle with body image. I'm constantly pinching the muffin top or poking at the saddle bags and then sigh in disgust. I'm not overweight. According to a few websites (and my doctor), I could probably stand to gain about 10 pounds. I? Refuse to agree.

It sucks that woman have to constantly feel that we're not good enough, that we need to look like a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. It sucks. It's a heartache.

This post is great. You've made some awesome points. For that, I thank you. As always :)