THERE ONCE WAS A TIME

There once was a time where the slightest look bothered me..
Somtimes it still does.
There once was a time where I did not care what I wore as long as it covered me..
Somtimes I still don't care.
There once was a time where I would let things roll off my back...
but they simply don't anymore.
There once was a time where I felt undeserving of anything pretty
Sometimes I still feel that way.
There once was a time where I thought I would be alone forever.
I am no longer there and I cherish every moment I have with him..even when he frustrates me.
There once was a time that I felt unworthy
I don't anymore...
That's not entirely true.. sometimes.. I still feel unworthy..
There once was a time where all I wanted to do was disappear into the wall when others were around..
Sometimes I wish I could still do that.
There once was a time where I thought I might actually eat myself to death.
Sometimes I still worry about that.
Sometimes I am afraid I will run out of time.
Sometimes I wait for the next great tragedy of my life to surface and I forget to enjoy what I have NOW.
Sometimes I am scared of losing weight because something bad will happen if I do.
When I lost 20 pounds my cousin died
When I lost 50 pounds my sister got sick
When I lost 40 pounds my mother had open heart surgery..
Hello icecream sandwiches
Hello 50 pounds
When I lost 30 pounds my father was killed in a car wreck..
Steve had cancer.
Funny how life intervines in my personal progress... Oh wait.. its called life..... Shit happens nothing I can do about it....
The next crisis is not based on my weight loss.
My weight does not control the direction of the universe or anything that may happen in it..
Life.. it happens... 27 pounds lighter and still trying to maintain a balance... between logging food and changing habits..
Tomorrow starts my horrible moan week....
Sometimes I just want to sit and breath..
I am doing that right now..
Wish me well
Wish you well too...