FORGET FLOWERS FOR NOW.. I AM ON A HUNT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DECIDE ON THE DESIGN OF SWIM SUITS FOR FAT CHICKS

C'mon ladies... saddle up, line up.. and come with me as I find these MORONS who decide on the designs of swim suits for large size women .........WHAT PRAY TO GOD ARE THEY THINKING????? sure put the boy shorts and tankini on the fat chick... ya that works... her bowl full of jelly tummy peaking through no problem... her wobbly butt hanging out of the boy shorts.. wow now thats a pretty picture.. When I was over 200 pounds I had a far easier time finding a swim suit.. your standard issue old ladies swim suit with a skirt and regular straps none of this tie together halter bullshit!>.. here I am nearly 30 pounds thinner and I can NOT find a SWIM SUIT.. what in the hell is wrong with this picture??? Shouldn't it be easier to find something... And to my Target friends.. WHOA!! what are they thinking there ,.. there was absolutely no reasonable . and what happened to the good old skirted bathing suit that in some cases is fairly attractive albeit somewhat old ladyish ... I realize I have a long way to go .. but for heavens sake DESIGNERS OUT THERE consider your consumers body. I was chatting with several women in Target today who were facing the same dilemma as me.. finding a swim suit . They each had their own personal complaints one woman has a long torso and is larger in her thigh area.. since her torso is long it makes a tankini nearly impossible because they are too short in the top for her...and if she does wear one, her belly spills out...and as she said why show off her worse assets... For heavens sakes .. I know there is not much you can do with a bathing suit... I do appreciate that.. but there has to be something out there that is reasonably priced and can work for me with out costing 100.00 bucks... Finding a size 20W is far easier than finding a 16 regular or a 14 W. They have been next to impossible to find with out costing over 70.00 dollars... Man I think I know my calling.. I am going to design real clothes for real woman of varying heights and weight and be realistic... not this junk they have out there... It made me feel good almost that other women were struggling like me today... trying to match tops and bottoms and cover certain parts of their anatomy at the same time was nearly impossible to achieve.. I gave up.. will go back hunting again tomorrow.. any ideas.. will be much appreciated... Oh and as far as the flowers go.. 1,500 over budget.. TRIMMING THAT WAY DOWN AS I TYPE THIS ... I was talked into flowers for the centerpieces.. and I am REALLLLLLLLLLLLY going to have to cut way back on all of that.. I about fell over when I read the quote.. now here is what gets me .. I must have said 10 times .. what my budget was... (you can tell I was really heard.. good thing is .. is that this is doable and trimable too... ) so my friends.. wish me well..
Wish you well too....

1 WEDDING CAKE DOWN AND FLORALS TO GO

Well the wedding cake is picked out... if you scroll down to the post about wedding cakes u will see a picture of the cake I wanted but said I would not get .. we made a decision on another style and then Steve saw the one I really wanted and we were able to get it.. We went a tiny bit over budget.. but it will be beautiful.. now the cake will not be blue as pictured.. it will be champagne colored.. with white fondet stripes.. sort of a tone on tone thing... then the flowers will be fall colors .. the cake will be chocolate with ganoche ( not sure how to spell that) in the center of each layer... the icing will be butter cream with fondent decoration. I think it will be elegant.. I also have to get a few sweet trays out there.. since sometimes folks do not want cake... otherwise that is all settled YAY!!!!!.. In a little bit we go do the floral stuff and figure out the center piece logistics and all.. SO I will post about that later on. Otherwise things are well.. I did taste the cakes.. and I knew right away exactly what I wanted.. so there really was no deciding what the cake itself would be..
All in all handling all this excitement well... my hair is getting grayer though.. oh well... what can u do... Also .. for you Target fans.. I am going to Target this afternoon to get my swim suit.. .will let u know how that goes too..
Wish me well.
Wish you well too...

MORE GAB BEFORE I GO

I forgot to mention in my last post.... We got the jars of honey and they look so cute just great.. and the bubbles came in too and Steve had an awesome idea .. we are going to make labels with what we want on them and stick them on the bubble bottles.. YAY.. its going to be great..
Hope Everyone has a great weekend !!!
Wish me well
Wish you well too...

Ahhhh FRIDAY

Well the work week is wrapping up and the weekend is getting ready to simmer. Listening to a mild thunderstorm outside.. as the work day winds down for me.. still have about 2 more hours before I head out .. its a quiet afternoon... Every now and then its nice to have a quiet afternoon. I saw the cutest puppy last night.. My niece is here in town for the next month doing her internship at a local pharmacy.. ( she is going to be a pharmacist) She and her boyfriend drove in last night and they brought her puppy Chloe with them. Chloe is a Malteyork and she is a cutie.. all 2 pounds of her black and white fluff. She is very playful and is about 14 weeks old now.. going to see her again this evening.. I gotta get me one of those... Eating is going well... I hope each of you has had a good week and that the goals you have set for yourself this week have been met. I am going to do wedding stuff in the early am tomorrow and tomorrow afternoon and then somewhere along the way I am going to get a new swimsuit.. everyone keeps telling me to go Target to find a suit.. so I am planning on that tomorrow . .... You can add my brother in law to that prayer list by the way... he was put in the hospital yesterday and is being transfered to a bigger hospital today. He has a Staph infection in his lip of all places. They have him on steriods, benadryl and intravenious antibiotics.. and oral antibiotics.. hopefully he will be back to his old self soon.. I know my niece is worried about her dad and even thought about going back home.. but her folks encouraged her to stay here and work on her internship and should her dad* my BL*, need surgery she can go home then.. I sure hope he will get over this.. seems when it rains it pours here.. Tuesday Steve goes for some tests.. say a little prayer there too.. Everything should be fine.. I always get a little nervous whenever he has to have tests.. thats just me. I talked with my cousin yesterday and they have moved my aunt home with a hosptial bed and Hospice to care for her. So I ask myself do I lose hope now?? well we all know when hospice is involved things are not good.. You just sort of have to deal with things as they come.. the doctors said it could be 2 days, 2 weeks , 2 months.. they did not know. I had a interesting conversation with my cousin last night and then with my nieces BF.. my cousin said.. Honi , can you believe 2 weeks ago she was driving and changing her grandsons diapers and feeding him and working... and now this??? its so overwhelming... later on I talked to my nieces BF and he is in medical school.. and what he said stayed with me.. he said you know.. what if they had found this 6 months ago... she would have been on radiation therapy and chemo and probably had no quality of life for the last six months .. even though this is so horrible and sad... at least the last 6 months she has had with out too much difficulty... Steve agreed with him.. and I had too as well. I think thats when I came to better terms with the inevitable. For now all they can do is just keep her comfortable.. and to me.. thats a good thing.. They want me to focus on the happy stuff going on.. but I can only seem to focus on what is going on there... and whats going on for my brother in law.. and am concerned about Steve.. I am fairly confident that Steve's tests should be fine. but I can 't help my self from just saying a little extra prayer for him... I Just want them to all feel well and I hate seeing the people I love suffer to any degree. Oh well just like anyone else I suppose...
Well the storm outside is getting worse... so I guess I will wrap this up for today..
Wish me well
Wish you well too...

THURSDAY THOUGHTS

What a smokin' title... geez.. just could not think what to put there.... not much going on..... Started playing with my blog again and decided to add videos to this blog like I have at my other one.. I am in the process of moving my videos from photobucket which for some reason is not doing as good as before to this new video/photo hosting site I found called DROPSHOTS... I liked this site better for now.. and I can put my videos here and leave my photos at Flickr.. I wish Flickr did videos as well.. oh well maybe one day... anyhow if u are bored and want to see some cute doggie videos then click on the video link under VIDEO MAYHEM and see some Cookie with her FLIPPYFLOP videos we did last night.. the quality is from my regular digital camera but its fairly decent... and besides Cookie looks adorable in any format :-) Eventually I will have our ride videos on there and some race videos too.. I might even do a couple video blogs.. not sure about that... but ya just never know with me.
I am a bit blue right now.. putting off calling my cousin to find out how my aunt is doing.. they were hoping to at least get a few months.. but ... well.... who knows.. it does not look good at all.. I keep asking one simple question for a woman who is a diabetic like my aunt is.. and who sees the doctor VERY OFTEN how did her cancer get to stage 4 with out any one knowing anything. You would think with all the blood tests.. and other tests she goes through regularly that they would have seen something... that they could have done something... to prevent or slow this down before it got to this stage.. her body is ravaged with cancer now, lungs, liver, and kidney. I just do not get it. Some folks say well.. they were not looking for cancer so they did not see it... well when i was in a car wreck in 1998 they were not looking for abnormal cell growth in my left femur but FOUND IT!! and it was something that my doctor still takes an xray of every year to make sure there are no changes...the bone specialist released me back to him a couple years ago and now my doctor says we will start backing off the yearly XRAYS... Maybe I am used to more thorough health care.. my doctor discovered Steve's prostate cancer and the urologist confirmed it. He was not looking for that either it was during a regular check up.Steve's first visit .. This doctor saved Steve's life... SO I just do not get this when someone sees their doctor far more than we see ours.. *We go 2 times a year unless we are sick.* ( right now I am going more often because he wants to monitor me as I lose weight.) That for my aunt nothng was discovered just makes me ache inside.... My mother who has heart issues and is facing another valve replacement surgery in the next couple years.. sees the doctor every 3 months.. and if he sees any change he runs tests... Seems to me that when a patient is diabetic you are on more high alert for problems. I dunno.. part of me is SOOO mad at her (my aunt's) doctors right now.. I just hurt inside because I just do not want her to hurt .. to feel pain.. to suffer all I can HOPE for now.. that she does not suffer... We do not see each other much ... I am closer to her kids.. I grew up with them. We have always stayed in touch and attended each others family events... I would see my aunt from time to time and just knowing that the last time I saw her was in November and then not realizing that she was probably sick at that point really is sad. Now she can't have many visitors other than her kids. It goes to show you .. you just never know what will happen in life.. I think thats why I am so determined to make this wedding a really nice and fun event for my family and friends... Life is so spectacularly fragile. .. we are not in control of much.. so I believe that in the good times we must shake them for all they are worth... lest they dissapear to fast. ... It is my deepest hope that my aunt is just given comfort right now... and maybe somewhere out there there is some miracle waiting to happen..or maybe not... but the wonderful thing about life is .. that until it ends.. there is always hope... and that is what I have .. Hope...
Wish me well..
Wish you well too..

WHAT DOES NO REALLY MEAN

First... I had a great visit with my nutritionist Donna... that was Monday night.. everything is going well with my eating.. its the water and the exercise that I must develop now. Trying.. trying hard.. I made an appointment with the doctor for my shoulder finally.. Donna pinned me down to making some commitments... i.e. doctor visit, I also promised I would get a new bathing suit this weekend so I could start swimming again 2 times a week. That would start this Monday.. WISH ME TONS OF LUCK WITH THIS.. this will be a huge turning point... I just need to accomplish it.

Wedding update: Got Invitiations and they look splendid, Getting stamps, having cake tasting and floral meeting this Saturday.. which brings me to my Next Topic,

WHAT DOES NO REALLY MEAN!!!

Okay .. in my universe no means simply NO.. two letters fitting together that mean.. will not do, do not do.. do not want.. have made a definative decision that whatever it is is not needed. not interested, does not like or want. NO NO NO!!!! so ... well.... NO MEANS NO...

hmmm... apparently some where in those 2 letter.. something gets lost... I say NO but No is not heard.. maybe they think I am saying YES in some strange language. Maybe no means yes in another country. I say No and they hear maybe... I say No and they hear.. OHH OF COURSE DONT LISTEN TO ME FOR I AM CLUELESS AND HAVE NO THOUGHT PROCESSES. I AM JUST SAYING NO BECAUSE I LIKE THE SOUND... I REALLY DO NOT MEAN NO... I JUST LIKE SAYING IT FOR EFFECT!..... what in the hell are people hearing when I say NO!!!

Case in point: I DO NOT WANT TO CARRY A BOUQUET down the aisle.. I just don't bottom line... NO NO NO!!.. ohh but you really should carry a small bouquet... I have just said NO ten thousand billion times.. where does that word get lost in translation.. is it between the N and the O.. ?????? what in the hell.. is coming out of my mouth when I put those 2 letters together.. am I saying ON...???? I don't think so... I am saying No... such a missunderstood word. I can bend on things..that I really do not care about... I am not really worried about a luncheon for 90 people after services on Saturday.. there are tons of places to eat right by the hotel.. everything from TGI Fridays, to Cracker Barrel, to Edgars Bakery.. to all the fine eateries located at another shopping strip up the road. FOOD IS within a half a mile .. not to mention all the food in the hospitality room.. SO I don't really care about that.. HOWEVER I do care about what I am carrying down the aisle... damn it.. LOL.. this is the only place I really get to express myself folks.. I can say for the most part how I feel and no one is translating my words into other words that I really never said.. Ya know what I am saying.... NO means NO.. right??? yes??? maybe??? someone come and sit with me when I go to the florist on Saturday... My mom keeps reminding me about the budget yet when I tell her they might say at the florist that there is a 3500 dollar minium she flinches and then says.. well okay.. I HAVE A 2000 or less budget for Floral and accessories for the wedding... so I explain to my mom.. we will tell them what our budget is .. if they can not accomodate us then we move on... simple.. involves a NO sorry we can not do this it is out of our budget!!!! mom has a hard time with budgets.. when I have a budget I wring every penny out of it.. but I do not go over the amount.. ... so.. we shall see how Saturday turns out when I am sitting there .... they are trying hard to talk me out of what I want to do with the center pieces and I did make one concession with it.. I dont want the papers to get ruined that people sign.. ( you know with food stains or something that might spill) so I have decided to have 2 small tables off to the side where folk can come and answer the question there.. I hope that works.. I still have the center piece letter ( telling folks about the question and where to go to write their answers...) raised up on a cube of some sort.. I was thinking lucite and maybe put lights ( like christmas lights (white) in each cube) I thought that would like kinda neat.. or some kind of metalic fall colored paper in the cube.. I dunno.. just thinking out loud I suppose...I HATE BUDGETS!! whew.. getting exhausted from thinking right now... as I said.. Saturday will be an interesting day of wedding events.. from tasting the cake to picking out the stamps.. ( I am having a chocolate wedding cake.. not sure how the outside will be.. but the inside has to be chocolate.. BECAUSE I SAID SO.. lol... this is a photo of one of the cakes I am interested in.. would change the blue to a champagne color... what do u think???

hmm I like it .. its different... it probably will end up being something else... am on a budget with the cake and I think this one might be out of the budget.. but I sure do like this one... if you want to check out more of their cakes here is the link :http://www.edgarsbakery.com/wedding/WeddingT.html

Well my friends.. that is that for Wednesday..

Wish me well...Wish you well too..

TAG I AM IT.. Thank you"S"

I got tagged.. so here it is:

WHAT WERE YOU DOING TEN YEARS AGO?

In a job I hated.. hoping to get fired, too chicken to quit.. realzing that even through hard times I could survive..

SONGS TO WHICH YOU KNOW ALL THE LYRICS:

1: To Dream the Impossible Dream
2: Rock and Roll all Night
3:New York
4:Sunrise Sunset
5:Leaving on a Jet Plane

FIVE THINGS YOU WOULD DO IF YOU WERE A MILLIONAIRE:
1: Pay off all debt
2: Buy a new car and pay for it in cash ... just because ... well I could lol...
3: Go on a very long vacation with soon to be husband
4: Give back to those who have given to me..
5: Donate to my temple

FIVE BAD HABITS:
1:Overeating when I get stressed.. still mastering how to avoid that
2:Interupting folks when I get anxious
3: Using a little too much colorful language
4:Not caring enough about myself
5:Biting my nails when I don't wear Gel Nails.

THINGS YOU LIKE DOING:
Spending time with my soon to be husband
Traveling on the motorcycle together
Swimming
Being with family
Being with Friends
Cooking

FIVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER WEAR AGAIN:
My Bluebird uniform ( have not worn that since second grade lol)
My old bathing suits (TOO BIG YAY)
Size 20/18W
Anything itchy
Panty hose if I can help it

FIVE FAVORITE TOYS:
1 My IPOD
2: My PC
3: My frisbee ( playing with my dogs Cookie and Baz)
4: My Music
5: My Cell Phone

So...TAG! You're it. If you decide to answer the questions, drop me a comment and let me know, so I can come visit and learn something new about you.

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1. The Pursuit of Healthyness

2 Minx, Redux

3The Journey of a Thousand Miles

4. Less Flab - More Fab

5. Healthy Honi

"Next select some people to tag:"

1.Icecream Mama

2.Budda Girl

3.Coco

4:Grumpy Chair

5:Lindsey

MONDAY MEANDERINGS

1: TUESDAY EVENING
abc.go.com/primetime/shaqsbigchallenge/index?pn=index

be sure and check this show out Shaq's Big Challenge.

2: While at first I thought it was a bit explotive of our obese children I think Shaq is coming from the heart with this.. and hopefully it will help motivate folks to start moving now.

3: Exercise is the hardest thing for me. SO I just keep trying.

4: Weight loss is dragging a bit.. time for tweaks.

5: Losing about a pound a week now

6: Stats:
Starting weight: 211.5
Current weight: 182.8
Goal weight: 132
Feeling: GROOVY

7: Water and Exercise the two areas I really need to concentrate on.. I must develope skills to make these become habits... any ideas... I really need help in these areas.. they are my weakest links on this journey.
Seeing nutritionist tonight.. will get some good invigeration and motivation.. that always helps...

8: Friends are getting ready to have a really neat party for me for the upcoming wedding.. I am not really a shower person or one that likes surprises that much.. So one of my friends came up with a rocking great idea of a party at one of those Paint your own ceramics places... My friends and family will do a platter for me and then a piece for themselves I am going to do one for myself as well... I am planning on a little treat that night .. There is a cake I absolutely love... but never have... its a carmel cake made my this confection place that is divine.. if you were to ask me what is something I would induldge in .. a small slice of that would do nicely.. so I am planning what I am going to eat that day so I can work that slice of cake in my program...

9: I am also going back to logging my food daily.. I kinda feel like Linus with out his security blanket lol.. I do know I need to eventually back off of that.. I had a trip up this weekend... I was under a lot of stress and there was chocolate cake in the house.. I was uptight and like a magnet to metal.. I grabbed a slice of that cake and ate it before I realized it.. luckily I did not eat the whole thing and threw part of the slice out... But I swear it was such an automatic response to stress... Why on earth did I do that.. I have not done that since January... Any ideas... I will say it involved some general stress a bit more than I have had lately regarding the wedding. I think Steve is worried I am going to turn into a Bridezilla.. lol ( I love that show it is so funny and pathetic at the same time lol) at my age of nearly 45.. I want to skip a lot of the traditional who ha.. and do things my way.. I have always marched to a different drummer and as always it has stressed my mother to no ends and apparently I am doing that to her with this wedding..

Now let me explain myself and please tell me if you think I am being difficult... I do not want to carry a bouquet of flowers.. ( they make my hands itch and I am not having a wedding party so there is no one to hand the flowers to when I need to participate in the service.)
I do not want to wear a garter.. ANNOYING and it will slide down my fat thigh and land on my ankle and I dont need that risk of embarrassment.. ( call me silly) don't want the hassle.

I want to wear my hair off my face but down... with the tiara both my aunt and my mother want me to wear it up in a bun with a veil behind the bun..plus the tiara.. for heavens sake I do not want all the fluff. I am a fluffy enough person with out extra stuff on me.

We want a swing band that can play all types of music .. No Motown like most of the weddings we see here.. ( I GOT MY WAY ON THAT YAY) just something a little different..

I do not want traditional flower centerpieces.. ( WASTE OF MONEY and they die) I created my own centerpieces and they are interactive... will be pretty paper with a question ( WHAT MAKES A GOOD MARRIAGE) ( i did this in an email and got some phenominal replies) people at the tables answer this question.. at the end of the day the papers are collected and placed in a keep sake book with the emails recieved earlier... a special memento for Steve and I .

I want to make my own favors for my guests... am using plantable paper..( it is seeded paper that you can plant) with thank you notes attatched ( you know something like thank you for being part of our wedding weekend.. etc.. not sure of wording just yet) these will be at each place setting... again something a little unique... The older generation for the most part thinks my ideas are bizzare and too different.. and that we need flowers at the tables... NOPE NOPE NOPE .. what do you guys think.. am I really being difficult ???

I guess I am one that likes doing things with my own flair.. people forget cakes and centerpieces.. why not give them something to remember ... oh well... just meandering along on a Monday....

Wish me well..
Wish you well too

HOW THINGS ARE WHEN WE HAVE CONTROL

Last week was rough.. you know with controling my appetite.. but what is so nice is knowing that even at those rough moments we can .. I can survive.. I can be hungry and be okay. We can debate the diet pill world through and through. Saying that something that can give us a boost is wonderful.. We can debate that Detox diets are a quick start to any program.. but the fact is.. you can detox and detox.. and starve and starve.. You can take diet pill after diet pill...but if you are not willing to make life style and lifetime changes than you will be detoxing your life away.. Change is hard... change is harder the older we are. The coolest thing is though.. we can do it.. we can change.. anyone can make changes to enhance their lifestyle.. thats what I think... You know my obsession with all these fat shows lately... that have been on TLC .. the latest one is on ABC and it involves Shaq going and helping a group of obese children.. at first I was a little put off.. but then when Shaq said this is about saving these kids lives right now.. I loved it.. those kids are precious and I hope this is not just a flash in the pan for them.. I hope they learn to love exercise at a young age.. I hope they learn that they are in control of what they eat.. I hope that as adults they can look back at this and thank god that they were lucky enough to have had that opportunity years ago.. I hope this for them..who would not hope that a child would not have to travel the roads we each have traveled as warriors of weight ... I am going to check this show out and see how he is with these kids.. We really do have a problem in our society with obesity and obesity that affects are children. To see a child who is more than 100 pounds over weight really breaks my hurt.. We each know what he or she is in for unless they make Life style changes and learn they are actually in control.. and control is a very powerful feeling once it is mastered. Being able to be free enough to be in control is a great thing. Putting good foods and an occasional treat in your mouth.. and not feeling as if the world is crumbling around you and that you are a complete failure is liberating.. Eating to live and enjoying cooking and creating new recipes is fun. Discovering new food and some of these taste wonderful and some.. well rather awful.. this good.. all good..
Wish me well.
Wish you well and wish those kids well too.

SCREAMING NO NO NO

Okay I am going to sort of promise that this will be the last post abou this subject... ALLI..
Here is a tip they give you: You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work ... HALLO.. knock knock.. anyone out there?? this is a problem to me.....more info if you want it...http://www.myalli.com/howdoesitwork/treatmenteffects.aspx I just do not get how this is selling like it is... I promise you there is not a magic pill that is going to take someone like me at 182.2 pounds as of this morning... (was 211.5 Jan 22, 2007) or take someone who weighs over 250 or 300 and change you.. IT WILL NOT CHANGE YOU. If this drug does not allow you to absorb fat then your body can't absorb the good fats either. I have pretty much made it clear how I feel about this new "wonder weight loss drug" IT is NOT a WONDER DRUG..there is no such thing..ever.. I wish I had the secret for those of us out there who want to desperately lose weight and for whatever reason are having problems doing so... If you invest your hard earned money in this drug... what happens when you go off this drug.. .I mean after the anal leakage and gassy episodes.. what happens when you decide to stop taking this pill.. YOU will gain the 3-7 pounds you lost in a year because of this drug... YES thats right.. 3-7 pounds in one year.. thats all this drug increases your weight loss.. WHY NOT DO something scarey... look at yourself naked in the mirror.. your eyes can see your body and see where things need to be changed.. instead of cringing.. look at your body and find one thing you love... is your skin pretty, is your skin soft, do you have nice eyes... a nice neck line.. ( minus the chins of course) find one thing you like.. then look yourself in the eye.. and tell yourself as you stand there butt naked as the day you were born.. IT IS TIME... then find affordable guidance be it online or nearby. Talk to someone that can help you achieve your goals.. a nutritionist is a great idea.. but find one you can relate too.. ( oh and before you go out, put your clothes back on lol) or take a class.. ( sure you have heard it all before .. but apparently you have not learned anything) find the motivation with in yourself before you randomly take some drug that is not going to deep down .. rock your world.... its just a "for now" fix until the next big thing comes along. So you say you do not want to go to a nutritionist.. you say you know how to lose weight and eat properly... hmmm I doubt it... do you really know what a real portion size is???? Do you really know the value of high fiber foods... do you now that berries are high in fiber??? Do you know that food does not have to be the enemy... you just have to learn some new things .. new ways to cook, and most importantly about portion control... it is really basic.. and yes it is easy after you get past the hard part.. and that is simply learning new habits... and having faith in yourself to change... I hope I do not sound harsh.. thats not my intent.. and I am certainly no weight loss maven.. I only can share the things I have learned.. and I am by far not the most dilligent person in practicing what I have learned because... like you I am human.. and I have to still fight those occasional nudges that say .. I quit .. I really want a Buddy bar.. or a pint of ice cream.. I really want 4 pieces of bread and two big fat yeast rolls... and then I remember.. I really don't want those things.. they are just easy.. and sometimes my brain thinks they are comfort food when in actuality they are uncomfort foods..
So trash the ALLI.. Have faith in yourself.. take it moment by moment... if you want moral support.. email me.. I will push you along the way I push me along??? there are no excuses... just time.. lost... and in the most basic sense.. there is no wrong eating.. its about what you choose to eat.. so if you choose that hershy bar.. count it... but try and make a wiser choice.. cherries.. mangos... cantaloupe, watermelon, oranges, apples, grapes... still sweet and better for you.
Logging my food has been a big help though I dont do it religiously now.. I do do it at least once a week to make sure I am on target...
It can be done.. you can change.. you can live with out dieting dieting is not for life... change is.. ... and you can survive through change..
Wish me well.
Wish you well too..

WE MAKE PLANS AND GOD LAUGHS

Something my dad used to say... We never made it to the Mountains this weekend..The weather was not very agreeable.. the sky kept threatening whooper storms... So we ended up staying home... We are going to try and go away this weekend... I guess there is a reason for everything. .. Saturday we get a phone call from Steve's son and find out he fell off his bike.. He was biking with a group through Oak Mtn State park in Birmingham and was pulling into the parking lot after the ride.. (regular bicycle not motorcycle) and hit a curb.. he went off the bike going about 15 miles an hour.. He got some major road rash and a I think a bit of wounded pride but he should be doing okay.. He was a mess though.. we went over there and it really looks pretty painful. Hopefully he is feeling better today.

Finally coming back to myself a bit.. back on my pill so thats always good.. found the cutest thing.. We are making hospitality bags and I found these tiny jars of Honey online the one I picked says BEE MY HONEY and has 2 bees kissing.. then I put our names on the label with the date of the wedding... Steve loved them.. thats what is pictured here... snagged the demo picture... its so cute lol.... I am so goofy....I ordered those and some bubbles too.. I dont like rice or bird seed.. so I decided we would have bubbles for when we leave the reception...

Otherwise it is simply a Monday here.. kinda bummed found out over the weekend my aunt has stage 4 cancer. Started in on of the kidneys ( she did have back pain but told no one) Now its spread to her liver and lungs.. one of the first things she said to her kids was .. I have to go to Honi's wedding.. Truth is she will be lucky if she survives another 8 weeks.. makes me really sad.. who really knows maybe she will survive this.. the realist in me says no.

Food is getting much better.. I was not really bad or anything I just extended my portions..been walking.. nothing major though.. the heat is a bitch here... I hate heat..
Wish me well Wish you well too.....

FRIDAY RAMBLINGS..... ALLI, CHEMICALS, PERFECTION, UNPREPARED

Yay for Friday... I am so glad its Friday... going to do a mountain run this weekend by way of Auburn Alabama... visiting with Sara then heading for the hills of N. Ga. It is going to be one heck of a hot ride especially coming home.. Not particularly a good combo with the state I am in right now.. but I am just going to deal with it.. I think we will be heading back home early in the a.m. though to avoid some of this awful heat.. I am not a summer woman.. I like cool weather. I am not a good endurer on some things.. Hot weather Diet Pills... I would not be able to endure the effects of ALLI the new diet drug...even with a book that tells me how to use it...



ALLI again...

I saw that there is a book out on how to best use the new diet drug Alli ? a book for a diet drug??? Someone in their marketing department is a genius.... I guess if you are desperate enough you can put aside the rather unpleasant side effects of this pill and use it. Why on earth anyone would, is beyond me. There are many things I would do to lose weight.. and many things I would endure to lose weight.. ANAL LEAKAGE is NOT one of them... not by choice anyways lol... which brings me to my next topic...



CHEMICALS:

Does anyone out there have any trouble processing Sorbitol or maltitol or mannitol??? perhaps they really are not chemicals but they might as well be....so do you have trouble processing these?? I do... you find these in sugar free candies and gums and some sugar free ice creams and various desserts..... I can ingest a little and be fine but if its in .. say a ice cream novelty dessert.. "fuget" about it.. whew my tummy goes south big time... sort of tells me that these products are not good for the old system...Chemicals.. I should leave them alone...but when I thought about these chemicals I also remembered something I learned last summer.......





I have learned something interesting... Last summer when I was on my ice cream trip... I would eat at this Place called Wright Dairy Cafe.. have lunch followed by two scoops of some amazing icecream....the ice cream was considered premium because it had the highest milk fat which in turn makes it the smoothest easiest to digest ice cream in the world because its not homogonized or anything like that.. it is all natural. It was heavenly.. It is the only real ice cream I can digest. On the flip of that.. I do well with Skinny cow products.. I pretty much stay away from those right now because of the calorie count.. I do indulge in the 40 calorie no sugar added fudge bars pictured here.. they are really yummy... sorry I am going off on a ice cream tangent here... my point being.. really about the chemicals we put in our bodies with out even thinking about it .. I really admire folks that don't eat stuff like this I think its great that they can do that.. I really admire water drinkers who stay away from all diet sodas too. I think it is great and they are far healthier than me in doing so. I guess I just have my vices. Vices that I might not ever be able to part with. Which brings me to my next topic about ...

PERFECTION:
What am I looking for in myself??? What are we looking for in ourselves???? Endurance? Perfection? Success? or do we just expect failure sooner or later. I developed a thought process shortly after my dad died. I remember when I got the phone call about the accident on November 9th 2001, 3 15 pm.. I remember the exact time, the emt that called me about the accident I remember that before 3 15 there was one Honi and afterwards there was a different Honi. It helped me realize that in life there are things we have no control over, that no matter how we plan things... something usually happens... My dad had a favorite saying.. " We make plans, and God Laughs" I have always remembered that saying and let it apply to other things in my life.. for no matter how prepared I think I am I should always prepare myself for the fact that chances are I am not always prepared.. and that is a good thing.. We can hope for certain things... try to prepare for situations... ultimately .. its about fate.. and how time will let things play out.. Is that saying we don't have control.???. well on most things we do NOT have control.. on certain things we do... Exercise and eating we can control... we can make those choices... even then though sometimes what we ultimately are hoping for ( weight loss) might not happen the way we PLANNED no matter how we PREPARE.. so is Perfection a real goal... no.. perfection is simply an idealistic goal.. not real.. thats why I am working so hard to adapt to this new way of living my life.. being open to change and allowing myself the knowledge that I do not have to be perfect to have control of my life and my eating.. there are no magic pills.. and while we can plan.. even those plans should allow for things we are not prepared for.. Its kind of crazy in way.. on the one hand I always say be PREPARED.. but I am learning.. that not being so staunch is okay. I think the process of learning how to live a healthier lifestyle is the most important thing... Once all the cogs in the wheel of how you choose to live your life are together... thats when all the habits have finally melded.. which I think really is the ultimate goal.. so.. Perfection... not so perfect anymore... accepting yourself... being realistic.. allowing your body to catch up with your changes.. all good... Oh and by the way that was an entirely new concept for .. one which I am still learning about.. that it takes time for your body to catch up with changes you are making.. changes I am making... that, to me makes the scale experience a whole lot easier. I am also finding it makes sticking to healthier food choices easier too by allowing myself the options that meet the circumstances I am in at the time. For example we are going to be eating out tonite.. I am not sure where.. I have decided to let this be a completely unplanned experience and see how I do.. Preparing for the unprepared.. lol...
Hope everyone has a great weekend...
WISH ME WELL
WISH YOU WELL TOO....

BUMPY SLUMPY DUMPY DAY

I DISLIKE WITH GREAT INTENSITY HORRIBLE MOANS... hormones.. this is my off week.. and today .. my day started with uncontrollable tears.. for really no reason other than I have tear ducts and can cry... then I went to Walmart to get some frozen meals ( good sale) and saw I had some kind of something on my shirt, then I buy a tee replacement shirt, then I get out to my car and realize I dont have the keys to my office, nor do I have my wedding planning book and i have meeting to go to tonite.. so I have to go ALL THE WAY back home.. I change in the garage , get my keys and book.. head back to the office.. and start sorting and doing stuff.. mean while I am swallowing tears back... and worst of all for the past 2 days my appetite has been through the roof... I mean I have not been able to control it at all... well thats not entirely true... I am controling it but its like I am constantly starving.. and am having serious cravings .. last night I had to have hamburger... and I mean I had to HAVE it.. and all week I have been craving chocolate.. I hate this time.. Thank god I only go through it 4 times a year and not 12.. it used to be that 2 weeks out of the month I was very depressed... it was attributed to hormones so since i was 38 been doing the pill 3 months on 1 week off... and that 1 week is a bitch... sigh.... well... just trying to get through today with out anymore tears...
Eating is going okay... not horrible.. not perfect...
Looking forward to Sunday night when I cycle back to my pill again...
Wish me well.. wish you well too..

AND THEN THERE WERE SHOES AND SOME OTHER FUN PICTURES

SHOES YAY SHOES

HYDRANGIAS (not sure of spelling oops!!) on the far side of my house.. I love those colors
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Calf at WRIGHT DAIRY farm.. My friend/boss decided last year when she was pregnant with twins and I was preg.. wait .. I was not pregnant I just ate icecream from the Wright Dairy Cafe because it tasted good... two scoops nearly 5 days a week.. hey SHE WAS PREGNANT.. and my friend/ boss what was I suppose to do.. let her eat alone... ... anyhow.. she said that next Summer she had heard the day camp that her kids go to and one works at would be doing a field trip to the Actual dairy farm.. so she signed us up a while ago .. Today we closed the office and had a day off.. it was SO MUCH FUN!!! hence the little calf drinking milk that was just milked from a cow.. Hey here is a Cow fact for you... A hefer is a cow that has not had calves yet.. a cow must have had 2 or more calves before it earns the title COW.. so today .. Ami's daughter.. while we were listening to the cow facts.. announced to her mom that she (Ami) was a cow because she had 5 kids LOL.. Ami and I started laughing.. Kids they say the darndest things...
Wish me well... Wish you well too....

ALLI ? is it worth GAS with an Oily Anal Discharge?

By now you have heard about the new supposed weight loss drug Alli? Basically, it is the over the counter version of Xenical (Orlistat) . Alli promotes weight loss by decreasing absorption of fat by the intestines, which reduces the number of calories you absorb. Personally, I do not see much of a benefit to it when you consider the negatives of it:
Gas with an oily anal discharge
Loose stools or diarrhea
More frequent bowel movements
Hard-to-control bowel movements

Uhmmm something tells me this will not be an avenue I explore... least of all the fact that from the limited research they have that the weight loss results are not that promising.. basically 3 pounds a year... WHAT??? 3 tiny pounds a year????... I DONT THINK SO!!!! in addition to the fact that a starter pack is 60.00 bucks... No thanks.. throw me an apple.. and lets go for a walk... no anal leakage for me...
No magic pills..
No magic potions.
No Magic
No
Just:
Portion Control
Healthy meals and snack
Exercise
Food Log
Communication
Motivation
EXILIRATION!!!!!!
Wish me well...
Wish You well...

THINGS I THINK ABOUT and A REALLY BIG QUESTION

So is anyone out there a Soprano's Fan.. I am... loved .. and yes I loved the ending to the finale last night.. an ending with out an ending.. very fitting.. that was a really great show and I loved it.. ( SPOILER ALERT...IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE FINALE YET DO NOT READ THE NEXT LINE....) ..... I could have done with out the sound effects of Phil's head getting squished but better than seeing it I suppose ... Glad he got nailed .. .. I never liked him anyhow lol... I feel sorry for all the bookies and bets placed last night on Tony getting wacked.. I knew that would not happen.. although I must admit through out last nights show I kept expecting something big to happen.. yet Mr. Chase .. played all the fans of the show very very well... I laughed at the ending after a second or 2 I realized that the direct TV had not gone out... and that that blank screen and silence was indeed the end... great segue into a movie I think...

Other thoughts rummaging around in my head... I got my shoes for the wedding dress , ( PERFECT MATCH.. if you want me to post them I will take a picture of them.. I just thought it would be kinda weird posting a pic of shoes LOL) I went to a place called UNIQUE FEET and they did not have anything for me.. I went to DSW and the first time I was there.. no luck.. the second time I was there I found several shoes I liked but never got anyting.. Saturday I went in there fairly dejected.. and figured that it was going to be a really annoying process finding shoes.. I wandered to the back of the shoes where the clearance racks are... I saw a white box on the top shelf and could just barely see the top of a heel of a shoe.. I reached over my head into the box and pulled down the shoes.. WOW.. I thought they were perfect but thought that there was no way they would fit my fat feet.. this was a 7.5 and not a W it was a Med. So I tried them on anyway.. and they fit.. not only that but I walked around the store with them on my feet for about 20 minutes.. and they were fairly comfortable too.. they have a little heel.. and are cream champagne color sheer on the sides with irredesent sequines and beading along the sides these shoes where 69.89 .. now here is the cool part.. they wre 80% off which made them roughly 13.00... then I found a pair of Clarks... 16.40... normally 50.00 or more dollars... wow.. then I found some Kenneth Cole sandals .. have those on now.. 12.00 man.. I spent under 50 dollars and got 3 pair of great shoes all on clearance .. that NEVER NEVER NEVER happens to me.. I actually enjoyed shopping .. I never have luck like that..

Really big question...
I have question to ask you .. I sent out an email recently and got some great replies so I thought I would post this question to anyone that wants to answer it.. With our wedding coming up... I started thinking about this question.. and if I were to come over to your house and sit down with you and ask you this question what would you tell me..
Okay here is the question... WHAT MAKES A GOOD MARRIAGE?

WISH ME WELL
WISH YOU WELL TOO

THERE ONCE WAS A TIME

There once was a time where the slightest look bothered me..
Somtimes it still does.
There once was a time where I did not care what I wore as long as it covered me..
Somtimes I still don't care.
There once was a time where I would let things roll off my back...
but they simply don't anymore.
There once was a time where I felt undeserving of anything pretty
Sometimes I still feel that way.
There once was a time where I thought I would be alone forever.
I am no longer there and I cherish every moment I have with him..even when he frustrates me.
There once was a time that I felt unworthy
I don't anymore...
That's not entirely true.. sometimes.. I still feel unworthy..
There once was a time where all I wanted to do was disappear into the wall when others were around..
Sometimes I wish I could still do that.
There once was a time where I thought I might actually eat myself to death.
Sometimes I still worry about that.
Sometimes I am afraid I will run out of time.
Sometimes I wait for the next great tragedy of my life to surface and I forget to enjoy what I have NOW.
Sometimes I am scared of losing weight because something bad will happen if I do.
When I lost 20 pounds my cousin died
When I lost 50 pounds my sister got sick
When I lost 40 pounds my mother had open heart surgery..
Hello icecream sandwiches
Hello 50 pounds
When I lost 30 pounds my father was killed in a car wreck..
Steve had cancer.
Funny how life intervines in my personal progress... Oh wait.. its called life..... Shit happens nothing I can do about it....
The next crisis is not based on my weight loss.
My weight does not control the direction of the universe or anything that may happen in it..
Life.. it happens... 27 pounds lighter and still trying to maintain a balance... between logging food and changing habits..
Tomorrow starts my horrible moan week....
Sometimes I just want to sit and breath..
I am doing that right now..
Wish me well
Wish you well too...

A Friday Shortie

All is busy in my world right now.. so I am going to keep this short and sweet.. thanks so much for helping me decide just to keep the blog name Healthy Honi.. not gonna change it.. I might get a little more creative with the look though but not changing the name..
Coco you convinced me.. and I appreciate that. just gonna keep it Healthy Honi.. :-)
The clothes issue is a big deal for me.. I have that fear too Grumpy... that someone will redirect me to the Plus Size area... The changes are evidient though and I guess I will have to get over my shopaphobia and enjoy myself...
Wishing everyone a great weekend
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

THURSDAY THOUGHTS

Not much going on today .... Thinking about stuff for the wedding.. and realizing how shopping has always been my nemisis. Reaching 211.5 pounds I never much cared about clothing.. I mean to me Walmart was just as good as any place to cover my fat ass.. Did I need name brand clothes to make me feel worse than I already did? Truthfully, I felt it really did not matter what I wore.. as long as it fit. Now I am enjoying clothes a bit more.. One of my cousins is in the fashion industry and she is going to take me shopping.. We have the opposite problems.. she is Very tall and she lost a bunch of weight .. and she has to worry about things being long enough for her.. For me I am short.. losing weight still.. and I have to alter everything. When I get close to my goal I am going to buy some stuff from her lines. Right now.. I am getting to the nerve wracking part for me .. where old clothes do not fit.. and comfortable sizes no longer work.. I know how to shop in PLUS SIZES.. but regular sizes with all the choices.. actually scares me.. Okay yeah .. call me weird.. how many folks do u know that have a shopping.. uhmm phobia maybe???? It is far easier on me to have someone go with me and help me.. I do like going to Steinmart and picking out a shirt or two.. but when it comes to real shopping.. I really start having anxiety issues... Geez I re read all of this and I sound like such a freak with all the issues in the world out there.. I am a SHOPAPHOB.. lol.. there is new term..

Okay enough rambling...
by the way still wondering if I should change the name of the blog... any thoughts.. just comment....Perhaps I should call it WISH ME WELL ... WISH YOU WELL TOO... and on that note.. well.....
Wish me well.

Wish you well too...

WHOLE LOTTA POSTING GOING ON!!!

Okay I am thinking about changing the name of my blog....After blogging around today .. I saw some really great names... I thought I should update my blog with a new name.. ?? What do ya think?? leave it as is... or change it???. Any ideas .. feel free to comment Here are a few I have thought of ....
CHANGING THE VIEW ~ ~ BETTER THAN EXCELLENT~ ( this refers to something I used to always say when someone would ask me how I was doing ) ~BREATH IN , BREATH OUT , MOVE ON~ ( okay I stole that from one of my favorite Jimmy Buffet songs) Maybe I should just be me....
Healthy Honi...

Wish me well
Wish you well too...

ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS

I think when a doctor asks his patients the right questions , especially when he sees that patient on a journey to better health I think it important.. I think this allows the doctor or any health care provider to learn how to address weight issues with all of his or her patients.
I have heard time and time again.. people going to Doc in a boxes and those docs saying things like.. "You know you need to lose weight" "You know you are morbidly obese" (uhmm thanks for clueing me in SHERLOCK) " Are you on a diet, you really should be?" ( are you sure you graduated medical school.. I seriously doubt it) I think if a doctor truely cares about his patients he should take time in addressing them.. perhaps this would eliminate the fear that a lot of obese people have when they know they need to go to the doctor but are simply afraid.. or really do not want to know that they have once again dissapointed another person because of their weight.. A doctor should first ask that patient.. do you want to do something about your obesity ? Do you know that it is important as you get older to do what you can for yourself to have better health? If that patient wants to help his or herself.. then that doctor needs to have current resources to share with that patient. Make a seperate appointment to discuss this if you have too.. but a doctor should work with his patient to help them achieve maxium health. I once quit going to a doctor because of his rudeness towards my weight. It is not a doctors place to critisize us because of our size .. it is a doctors place to help us if we are serious about making changes.

ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS to ourselves..

Are we really ready to make the needed changes for good?

Are we ready to be raw and honest with ourselves?

Are we commited to ourselves before we are commited to family and friends? ( hey face it, if you are not commited to improving yourself.. well than it really does not matter what anyone else thinks)

Just some things to think to about... soon I will get off this Fat and Obese kick I promise..
Time to go back to hotel hell.. ( still figuring out what our best choice will be for housing wedding guests..)
Wish me well
Wish you well.

GOOGLE TIME

Lately, I have been so hung up on the word obesity and the words morbidly obese.. I have been googling the words obese and fat is... here are a few of the links I found ...

http://www.obesitycures.com/obesity-cures-blog.html interesting

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/categories/Fat+People/ this is suppose to be funny... I THINK NOT!!!

http://www.naafa.org/ interesting..

http://www.ruddsoundbites.typepad.com/ not much new but still interesting...

http://www.healthsuccess.com/ Really neat

http://www.largelypositive.com/

http://www.deliciousdecisions.org/cb/rec.html

Just some links I thought might be interesting to you...

IRRITATION

I used the C word today .. I am a word person.. and I seldom if ever use that word to describe someone... I used it just a minute ago as I got off the phone.. This person lied to me .. and she really thinks I apparently do not have the sense to find out better answers.. I am refering to reserving hotel rooms for our upcoming wedding... Well I have checked out other places and found out that what she called common and factual is actually garbage.. So I am taking our business elsewhere .. if you want details email me... I hate LIARS.

BIG MEDICINE

We watched a show last night called Big Medicine..
I was not sure exactly what to expect upon seeing the advertisments.. I know the ads made me so horribly sad because I could see myself there.. I knew what that all felt like. Yet to my surprise I really enjoyed watching Big Medicine.. it was .. well.... HOPEFUL.
These patients that I saw knew that they really had no choice but gastric bypass surgery. There was an extreemly morbidly obese man who was bed ridden that was particularly moving.. Watching him go through the surgery and the complications that arose was a bit frightening.. at first I kept thinking there was no way this gentleman could survive this procedure.. but he did.. and I hope he is still doing well.. the preview of the next show showed him having difficulty with his new way of eating. I hope his family will be a support system and not a system that enables him to eat himself to an early grave.. I hope he survives.. There was a couple on , the husband was a gourmet chef and the wife had had the surgery first. she looked great and after the husbands procedure you could see a difference not only in him but the way he was cooking now..
Whether by surgery or by will, when one choses to make these changes, One has to learn a new way to live. I like the fact that Big Medicine not only covers the procedure but the follow up , the plastic surgery to remove excess skin, and the emotional and mental angle as well. I know people who have had this surgery and though they are by far much smaller they still have not mastered making better food choices. So to see these folks changing their way of life and learning that there is more out there than food.. and learning how to cope with out feeding emotion.. It is very inspiring. I also liked the fact that you could find things on the internet regarding this show.. and that you can ask the doctors questions and get responses. I would like to see more show like this reach out to the public.. reach out to individuals like myself or others that have been in this war for such a long time. I keep asking myself though.. what motivates these doctors to help us, what motivated the doctors not only at Big Medicine but at Brookhaven to want to help this horrible obesity epedimic . Why?? is this just purely business???, is this about personal issues on their end, perhaps losing a loved one to obesity , or have any of those that produce either one of these shows had their own severe weight issues.. ???? What I liked also about Big Medicine is that it puts the patient right back into his or her life. I think that is so important... thats one of my qualms with Brookhaven obesity clinic... Taking someone out of a situation does not teach them how to live in their own situation or manage it. For myself I have to learn how to live in my life and make healthy choices. I have to be able to cope with whatever comes my way and really know that food will not change whatever I am feeling.

Feeling things.. be it depression or anger or joy or whatever... that is so difficult for some of us.. Those of us that have been in traumatic situations and have learned to cope by making poor food choices and by choosing food as a comfort have really created an addiction for ourselves by doing that. I have learned that feelings things will NOT kill me.. it might make me uncomfortable.. but in the long run.. I don't shorten my life span by feeling uncomfortable. I gain more self confidence by feeling uncomfortable. I gain more faith in myself by coping with those feelings. Food should never be an option. Food should just be something we enjoy not hide behind... I have said this many times.. I am a foodie.. I love to cook.. and the most amazing thing is .. that since I have learned to cook healthier and create new recipes its a wonderful seasonal world.. I love expermenting with seasonal fruits and vegetables.. I love making successful recipes and learning also what really does not work together. Its fun being a healthy sorceress in the kitchen...
Wish me well
Wish you well too.

STOP ! LOOK BOTH WAYS! LISTEN!

STOP! LOOK BOTH WAYS AND LISTEN! fundemental rules we learn as a child.. to STOP and look both ways and listen before we cross the street. It is a rule that applies to everything we do in life.. We have to stop.. and see and listen to what is around us and not travel in this world oblivious to what is around us. Eating is the same way.. when we STOP and LOOK and Listen to ourselves we can achieve more. We can slay the dragon of over eating.. When we listen to our bodies.. when we slay emotional eating... and eat because are bodies are saying Please feed me.. .. when it is not your emotions saying.. feed my sadness, feed my hunger... etc.... Last night I watched Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic I searched for a link that would go directly to the clinic and could not find a website... I want to know more about his place.. research it.. and even email a staff or 2... I want to know why they do this.. what motivates them to help these people some of which don't appear to even want the help? Tonight I am going to watch BIG MEDICINE I want to know more... I want to ask questions... what brings people to this point.???. I can relate to so much of it.. and to me it is so heartbreaking some of the stories especially those at the Brookhaven clinic. I don't feel more motivated when I watch these shows at all.. If anything I feel sad. I want to know things.. I want to know how a person can consume 15,000 calories in one day? to me that would be physically impossible.. At my worst which put me well over 200 pounds I was consuming around 3000 calories a day... that totally baffles me .. when I heard them talking about that on Brookhaven last night I had to have Steve repeat it twice .. I thought I had heard it wrong.. but then Steve said something interesting... we had dinner last night at Subway.. we were both Starving and knew that if we did not eat.. RIGHT THEN it would be a disaster when we got home.... we were comparing calories with Big Macs etc.. and Steve pointed out that if a Big Mac or one of those other fast food places had sandwiches that could amount to over 1,000 calories.. well then it would be easy to consume 15,000 in a day.. well now wait.. u would have to eat roughly 15 of those sandwiches to do that.. or something in equal caloric amounts... whatever it was . and then it dawned on me.. by having no limits on food.. by eating and eating and eating.. that being your only activity... well then easily the pounds add up.. so what seems to be grotesque amounts of food really is easy to do I mean if you woke up and started eating and did not stop until bedtime.. or potty time.. well.. I guess you could consume that amount of calories..... Right now all of this is such an amazing parallel to me.. Here I am doing things via common sense, counting calories and working very hard to MOVE IT! MOVE IT !MOVE IT!... I have a very hard time with exercise and have to be careful lest I injure myself.. GEEZ it can be so frustrating.. my insides want to do so much but my body is not yeilding yet.. My doc says keep at it.. and keep trying that it will get easier... I suppose I thought walking in the grass this past Saturday was going to be easy.. of course when I stumbled (left ankle gave out foot pronated) geez.. I guess it will get better.. I do fine walking on a track and walking on smooth surfaces and even walking on some rocky surfaces.. but sometimes the ankles scream at me.. SCREW YOU I AM GIVING UP.. lol.. oh well... but at the very least I try and try and try.. its the same for those folks at Brookhaven and the folks shown on Big Medicine.. they try and try and try. for the Big Medicine people.. surgery is their only option .. I like that other doctors are on that team .. the doctors that can help with the real inside work.. the mental work .. the secret is healing the mental self and realizing that food can be a silent killer.

We can look around and see so many definitions of how we should do whatever to become healthier selves.. books, programs... etc.. but the deepest foundation is what we do with that information. For me that information leads me still on a quest to find my best self.. here is the kicker and I have said it time and time again.. that it will never end.. this quest to find my best self.. that it will be constantly changing.. which leads me to believe that the success rate of developing healthier eating habits and being a stronger self is more about the ability to be flexible and adaptable to change. Those of us that have been morbidly obese those of us that are obese or overweight must learn that there is no end.. .. that this is ever changing.. I think that when we all realize this.. that there will be less failure... What I am learning from reading various books.. is that adaptability seems to be the key.. In the beginning of my own journey I was hell bent on never eating the wrong thing.. then it dawned on me.. are there foods that may not be the best choice but can still be a choice if portion controlled and logged??? When we are on the bike.. and we are thirsty and hungry and lets say we stop at a SONIC ( or whatever fast food place) and there are no other choices around..that making the choice to have a jr. hamburger with just lettuce tomato and either ketchup or mustard.. is okay.. if I over estimate the calories .. record what I have eaten and work that into my calorie intake for the day... That the walls will not cave in and I will not gain 7,000 pounds ... Now also this is not an every day occurance either and when we are on the bike and fast food is the only option..( Every now and then we can find a Subway which is the best out of the lot ) I have to make choices.. ... instead of supersize me.. SMALL SIZE ME... .. or better yet share a hamburger with someone. I do that with Steve from time to time.. I will have a few bites to see me until I can get home and make easier choices. or like this past weekend I had the Jr. burger at a Sonic ..and it was okay.. I mean it felt okay .. I did not miss anything...I did not fall off the "wagon" persay... I made my choice.. it was not a bad choice.. I counted my choice and I survived.. We prefer to eat at home... and I still can not go into an Italian eatery yet... I prefer to make my pasta at home and make my pizza at home.. Maybe one day I will feel comfortable to go into one of those eateries but not yet... Its a strange place where I am at. Dealing with so much... learning so much... trying to really FINALLY understand and process all of this.. and make it all work for me. As I have said before it all comes down to that support system too.. My family and my friends ( including you guys) ..
I also want to thank you for your responses to my last post... It is hard to lose those friends who are having problems with the choices I am now making..... but I understand..
Wish me well
Wish you well..
Wish those folks at Brookhaven and Big Medicine well too.