Friday, July 25, 2008


I am working hard to put things in perspective.. its a slow and long process.
Sometimes I think there is a place to put all this emotion.. but then it runs free through me.. and the tears comes..
I wish I had been a better daughter
I wish I had been more compassionate
I wish I had held my mothers hand more instead of pulling away sometimes.
I wish I had hugged her more
I wish I had not let her aggrevate me so.
I wish I had been more understanding of how lonely she was.
I wish that I had done more out of love and less out of obligation.
I hope that she understood that I do and did love her.
I wish that I had just had a little more time to make things better.. you can never really make things right but you can always make things sweeter and better.
I wish I had spent more time with her the day of her surgery.
I wish I had been in the room more holding her hand
She had plently of people around her and was never alone..
I just wish it had been me..
These are wishes I will never see come true.. for there is no more time .. to fix or alter them.. so somehow I just have to find a place to set them free.
Maybe there is one wish that can come true.. that eventually I will find a place for any guilt I might feel for the things I did not do exactly right.. .. .. thats what I wish...
Wish me well
Wish you well too..


buddha_girl said...

You did the very best you could under the circumstances. I like to think that you gave her an opportunity to also spend time with her grandchildren on the day of the surgery. You spent a great deal of time with her on a regular basis.

I like to think that it's the regular, everyday contact that means so much more to people rather than the times that we're 'expected' to show sudden emotion.

I know from emails you've shared with me that your mom loved you dearly and knew how much you cared for her. Her happiness was always paramount in your mind - especially after your dad died. She knew it. She may not have known how to say it, but she knew it.

Again, you did the very best you knew how even in the most difficult of situations. You are and were enough. My wish for you is that you come to that realization sooner rather than later.

Ann(ie) said...

Sweetheart, your mother loved you for who you were. She was so very proud, I have zero doubt. while hindsight is a bitch you did the best you could and please don't let guilt eat you up. I don't have a relationship with my father at all and I know that one day it's gonna hurt so badly when he's gone. I'm gonna need you on speed dial. hehe. But, what I do know is that we do the best we can at the time and your strength impresses me and neither of your parents would want you beating yourself up. They love you to pieces, their beautiful product. xo. Please know you're in my prayers.