FAMILY FROM OUR WEDDING

Monday, February 25, 2008

A LETTER TO MY BODY

I read Scale Junkie's blog this morning and I liked her letter to my body post.. and thought it is about time I do the same thing.. so for today's post.. A LETTER TO MY BODY
Dear Body,
You and I have been together now for 45 years.. We were born a bit chunky , our mom gained 12 pounds with us during the pregnancy. We were 8 pounds 7 ounces of that. The doctor prescribed diet pills for our mom so she would not gain much weight during the pregnancy.. Out we came in all of our round glory. We have lots of memories tied to food.. the hidden food, the stuff we were not allowed to have but we found a way to eat them. I apologize body for being scared of being made fun of in gym class and so since the coach liked me so much he would allow me to sit out.. and not question me.. I could never keep up with the other kids.. I was constantly breaking out in rashes.. I am sorry for that.. but I don't know why we had rashes.. but we did.. I could not climb like the other kids and I felt so inferior that I did not let you do much at all.. and when we did do things and tried to pariticpate.. I know it hurt badly when other kids would laugh at you.. or throw the ball at you .. or trip you .. I am so sorry how you got all skinned up because Becky the tall thin girl did not like you in second grade.. When we were ten.. mom decided we needed to see the doctor.. he promptly put us on a diet.. our first of many.. 2 pats of butter, 2 pieces of bread, small servings , no sugar, we lost 20 pounds.. our first cheat together was in Atlanta Georgia at a friends house.. she offered you a mallow mar.. and you relished it like it was manna from heaven.. and then the weight creeped back.. We did everything together.. every diet .. diet pills.. We watched as mom gave us puffed wheat cereal and the minute she walked in the other room we layerd that cereal with table sugar .. as much as we could.. until the milk was sweet and the cereal crunchy with sugar..I am sorry I did that too you.. I just .. I just did not know better.. and I new I wanted sugar... we gained and lost and lost and gained.. getting berated if we gained.. and praised if we lost.. loved more if we lost weight.. but there was something about the food.. that was warm.. like a blanket.. it made me feel better.. I thought it made you feel better.. but I was wrong then and am wrong now.. of this I know.. Diet Center soon came into our lives after boarding school.. we lost 40 pounds.. we gained that back.. one of our sisters had major issues.. and we were the only one who was able to initiate help.. no one wanted to see she was in crisis but us.. and we helped her.. We also helped ourselves to the left over Burger king sandwhiches in the car when we took her to the hospital.. It was the only way I knew how to cope.. eating..so back came the weight plus... and then.. there was Nutri system.. we were happy with that.. we lost over 50 pounds.. and then Mom went in the hospital for open heart surgery.. of course I was the one who had to stay with her .. no one else could .. we were in a tiny room.. every time I felt like I wanted to cry .. i went in the even tinier bathroom.. then I would come back and sit with mom.. and she would ask my forgivness for being so hard on me.. I was already in my 20s by then.. but here mom was asking me to forgive her.. I tired to be brave.. but at 3 am when I wandered the halls of the hospital.. and found the icecream sandwiches in the vending machine.. 1 became 2 .. 2 became 4.. I felt briefly better.. and when she went to surgery and came back.. I was fine seeing my mom in the CICU.. but my sisters both fainted.. I remember walking around the right side of my moms bed..and she was bloody from a drain I called a nurse and calmly said this needs to be fixed now.. I looked at my mom she lifted her oxygen mask and whispered to me... SEE I HAVE COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU.. I have never forgotten that.. I gained shortly there after.. and then Dad has his own battle with Cancer.. Everyone seemed lost with out Dad.. especially when they said they could not do the surgery because his cancer was too close to the neck of the bladder.. I said what is PLAN B.. everyone else cried.... I was a free eater then not givng much of a damn about losing weight.. I am sorry I made you suffer.. I am sorry we had to let the gall bladder go.. I am sorry 3 years later we had major back surgery.. all because I forced you to do things you were not strong enough to do.. I am so sorry I have hurt you by not eating healthy by not nurturing you.. I am sorry for hating you because I thought you were never pretty , even at 127 pounds I thought you were a a beast.. I thought the plastic surgery would help and it did.. when you were in your early 20s after Diet center you got a Nose job and chin augmentation.. and it did refine you.. in 1989 after nutrisystem.. you got a breast reduction 3 pounds off your chest.. you were the smallest u had ever been in your adult life 127.. but I could not hold that weight.. I stayed at 132 for a VERY LONG liveable time.. and then the world crashed in on me again.. each year I gained at least 10 pounds.. I was lonely .. In the early 90s I would have the misfortune of dating a loser .. A loser that bilked me out of over 18,000 dollars.. a loser that kept telling me if I would only do this or that it would show him how much I loved him.. a loser who told me .. no other man would ever have me.. and I believed it.. In 1996 right after the back surgery.. it was over with him.. and I finally started dating normal guys.. by then I was well into my 30s.. and I was large.. I knew all along you hurt.. I knew our feet were sore.. I knew you hated trying on plus size clothes.. I knew it all. but.. the food always won.. the food "HELPED" me.. yeah it helped me work my way to slow hidden death...
I am apologizing for being so weak of nature .. body.. I am sorry .. So many people think over eating is about food .. but over eating more often than not is about whats missing.. whats hurt.. Over eating is a dangerous bandaid that I have worn for 45 years for this wound or that wound...
Yesterday it was brought to my attention that I am bullshitting.. my blogger buddies.. by not having lost weight since last year.. all I have done is maintain.. which is fine.. which is fine for someone who doe not need to lose 50 more pounds.. I never thought of this as bullshitting.. I started not talking about me as much as putting advice I found out there and links and such.. I did not want to lie.. and oddly enough I have never thought of this as lieing but it is.. am I not lieing to myself.. well I know what I eat.. so I am not lieing about that.. WE are still here struggling... The worst for me is dissapointing those I love.. including myself.. I am sorry to have dissapointed you body yet again... all I can do is try.. there is no magic bullet.. but eating right.. and exercising.. I know I need to exercise and eat smaller portions and log what I eat.. and drink more water.. it seems so simple in typing this.. so easy.. just a few steps.. but these steps have always been incomplete steps in my life.. SO I am sorry body.. I can only offer you try.. I will try and do better.. I will dust off yet again and .. try.. just like I did last year.. I can try for us again... I see the doctor next week for a check up.. he is not going to be too thrilled with me.. but .. nothing I can really do about that.. except start here.. start now.. I am going to log on over at Spark People and see if I like the set up there.. and start logging my food there I think... I am also going to the gym tonight.. BODY U ARE COMING WITH ME... and body you will exercise.. who knows.. you might even like it!..
Body .. in an offbeat, unique way I do love you.. and I am sorry for letting you down year after year.. I am sorry for abusing you with food.. I am sorry for abusing you with excess poundage on your bones.. I am sorry.
Love,
ME
Wish me well
Wish you well too

5 comments:

Felicia said...

Wonderful letter!! Thanks so much for sharing it!

*huggles*
=0)

Scale Junkie said...

You are so beautiful, thank you for sharing this with me and everyone. You and I are going to walk this walk together, hand in hand until it becomes second nature.

Big Hugs!!!

Grumpy Chair said...

Great letter Honi. I need to think this out and participate. I'm always blaming my body (like it had any choice!)

Hanlie said...

I don't think you're bullshitting by not having lost anything since last year! We are not defined by our weight loss! We love you and your blog and we know that you will get this right in time, as you have in the past. There are times on our journey through life when we hang aroud a bit, catching our breath and assimmilating he lessons learnt. Then we pick up the pace again. This is YOUR journey and YOUR life.

Loved the letter! So honest. I'm almost too scared to do one...

buddha_girl said...

That is the best post I've read from you. The. Best.

I am so very proud of you for loving your body when so many people might tell you to hate it. Society tells us that we should love our THIN bodies. We need to love our bodies. Period. We need to give them the care we give to so many other people in this world. Well done!