FAMILY FROM OUR WEDDING

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

518 POSTS LATER

I did start off with a bang.. I did change my universe for a while.. I still have kept most of my weight off.. but largely have had no movement in the past year... I am well settled into married life... life goes on..it was a spinning year.. covering the emotional spectrum over and over again..
2008 was an eventful year... not particularly good but the fact that most of us are still alive and surviving I guess makes it a good year partially.. It was a year of financial scares.. an exciting presidental campaign, A new president with new views, it was a year of distrust in the financial world. It was a year of loss.. my mother, friends.. It was a thought provoking 2008 .. it was a quiet finish for me.. quiet in the sense that there is a huge gap of silence where my mother was.. I chuckle to myself when I think how right before Christmas she would be calling me and saying how she would be alone for Christmas and ask me what are we going to do for Christmas.. actually this call would come along in September.. and I would say to my mother.. Mom.. we don't celebrate Christmas.. we are jewish.. remember??/ she would laugh but still she would say she did not want to be alone .. and of course she was not.. we did the typical jewish thing.. Chinese food on Christmas day.. as was done this year.. only minus my mom.. It is so hard to explain the silence.. it is a deafening silence sometimes.. a huge gap .. and now with both parents gone.. there is just an emptiness..
I have wondered if I have tried to fill that gap with food.. perhaps.. but those gaps in our lives when we lose a parent.. can not be filled.. they . well those gaps.. just are.. they are just there.. Sometimes I try to ignore them.. and pretend they do not exist.. and sometimes I can not avoid looking into the abyss of memories.. endless.. which I guess in a way is a gift.. a bittersweet one at that...
When you and I over eat .. I often ask myself.. what are we trying to fill.. is it an abyss of some type? a gap... are we trying to fill real hunger.. ? are we able to listen to real hunger signals.. ? or do they get lost ? things I have been tossing around in my brain... I can tell you this, though, I have plans for 2009 ... things I am going to work on.. and I know you do too..
As 2008 comes to a close.. take a minute and focus on what is good in your life.. if you still have your parents.. and the relationship is not good.. fix it.. or try to fix it.. forget the couldawouldashouldas . and just try and fix it.. if the relationship is not fixable... then let it go.. let yourself go from whatever feelings you might be holding on too... its time...... if the relationship is good.. call them.. hug them... love them.. you are blessed to still have them.. For your children do the same.. don't waste time on the petty stuff.. its the real stuff that matters.. We are all inviduals caught up.. in this mysterious, adventurous thing called life..
There is a old toast that comes to mind... it is from an episode of MASH.. MAY THE BEST OF YOUR PAST BE THE WORST OF YOUR FUTURE.. I wish that for each of us...
I will be introducing some new ideas in the coming month.. that I want to share with you.. I am hopeful it will help me attain those life long goals of mine..
so no more platitudes for right now...
Wishing you each a very happy new year!
2009 the year I leave my fat ass behind.. :-)

6 comments:

Once Upon A Dieter said...

Girl, wherever you leave your ass, I wanna leave my huge gut there, too. :) And yes, we need to get to the bottom of what's making us eat and eat. We will!

Wishing you and yours a wonderful, beautiful, healthy, SLIMMER 2009.

The Princess

Twix said...

(((((((HAPPY NEW YEARS 2009!!!!!))))))))))

I like that toast! I"m making peace with my mom as hard as it is to do. But you are so right!

Peace and happy wishes sending your way!

buddha_girl said...

Beautiful - we all have the ass trouble. I have found that dealing with OTHER troubles has been what rids me of my hips.

You've been on my mind a lot lately because I knew it was the first holiday year without your mom. *hard hugs* It gets easier but never goes away. I had a good cry over my Dad yesterday and feel so much better today.

Know you are loved!

~Laura said...

Wishing you a great 2009!

JC said...

Honi, This is a beautiful and thought provoking post. I've thought of you often and all the first holidays you have faced without your Mom. Great post.

I'm with Once Upon A Dieter, whether you leave your Ass, I want to leave my belly and back fat there. HA!

Lora said...

Nothing ever fills that gap that losing a parent leaves....fortunately time has a way of healing the pain. Hugs to you Honi - may your new year be awesome!