Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Not much to say waiting for results of tests.. worried.. nervous.. but whatever it is .. I will deal with it.. perhaps it is just anxiety and nerves.. thats seems to be the general thought.. considering I did not exhibit any symptoms until the day after my mom died.. so who knows.. I thought I was having a heart attack last night but layed there talking to myself.. uhmm Honi u are breathing.. uhmm honi this is the same pain only a little worse that you always have..Honi take a chill pill.. ect...
Then I come into work today and find out a patient of ours was diagnosed with esophageal (sp.) cancer.. and given a very short time to live... GOOD GRIEF that freaked me out... he had heartburn .. that is such a huge fear of mine.. stomach, esophageal cancers.. I have seen people die from those and it is frightening.. they found out he has this via a endocsope which is the next step for me should they not find anything from the tests yesterday.. In the waiting area of Cardiographics.. I saw so many obese women.. There was one young woman as wide as she was tall.. she was young under 30 I would guess.. she was with her grandmother or mom it was hard to tell.. the girl could barely walk let alone fit in a chair and these chairs are roomy and cushy.. waiting to do lab work I saw a woman in wheelchair who had her leg amputated above the knee .. and you knew it was all weight related you could tell.. .. I saw women hobbling on walkers.. young and OBESE women .. and I closed my eyes and begged God to help me .. not go in that direction.. Monday the 22 I start my class.. I am praying to God that Monday the 22.. I will be changing my life for keeps this time.... I felt yesterday was almost a sign from God.. I never see what I saw yesterday.. granted I am not there all day long like I was yesterday .. but I seldom see the people I saw yesterday.. to that extreeme.. it broke my heart to see that young girl struggle to walk and be out of breath.. I wondered if she was getting her heart checked like me.. Today when I heard about our patient and I saw him today .. He is only 57 he is a large man.. he has diabeties.. and now he has cancer.. he was so upbeat when he came in .. I know I could not be that way had I had such a grim prognosis.. I would be outta here.. NOt working and doing all the things I had always wanted to do.. My bucket list if you will.. I think God is sending me a message of sorts.. Time for me to get my shit together.. and MOVE ON~
Wish me well
Wish you well too


Anonymous said...

And maybe this post is a sign for me. I keep getting off track. I keep telling myself that I can skip exercise today or eat some cake because tomorrow I will start over but we do not know what tomorrow holds. I need my body to be as healthy as I can make it so that if I face a health challenge that I can be up to the fight.

MargieAnne said...

Funny - peculiar that you should write this now. I made a note for self last night about eating to live or combat a terminal illness and if I was in that position would I mess about the way I do now with my program. I'm getting it ready for my next post.

Sometimes we need a serious 'wake-up' call.

Do hope you find that there is nothing serious but that there is something that can be easily fixed. I hate the waiting!


iCANdothis said...

its been awhile, but just wanted to check in to see how you were doing!

reality checks like these are scary, but it's good motivation to keep going!

new*me said...

I hope everything if fine. Try not to focus on the "what ifs" but the NOW and live each day happy :)

Laura said...

Hang in there Honi. You can't go wrong putting it all in God's hands and he will protect.

Hanlie said...

Thinking of you!