Monday, January 29, 2007


In about 1 hour I will be getting on the scale for my first official weigh in...I did things different this time. In the past whenever I had to weigh in... I would starve myself the entire weigh day and then after I had weighed .. well.. I would be ravenous. This time.. I decided to eat my normal plan and just see what happens.. If you have lived 44 years of life one way, a life certainly will not change in just one week. So my feeling was if I kept things on the same level as each day last week and the weekend were, that that was the better idea.
I want to be a winner at this losing game. I am so tired of being tired.. I am so tired of hiding in this body. I don't know if everyone feels that way.. like they are hiding from the world behind their weight.. but I do most of the time. Do you realize that most obese or overweight people are beautiful.. and then when they shed that excess bulk.. its such a metamorphisis.. I have seen it .. over and over again. Now I don't put myself in the beautiful category.. but less weight not only means a chance to have better health and a longer life but it means a chance to look better.. look younger.. and most importantly feel better. How many times did you hear.????. if you only lost some weight you would be great.. or if you just lost a little weight.. or YOU HAVE SUCH A PRETTY FACE.. apparently .. I never saw it that way.. Sometimes I think its about comfort... being over weight.. after all we know what being fat feels like.. but being thin or smaller for any length of time.. do we truely know what that thinner body feels like... ??? Do we truely understand how other's percieve us.. I can assure you that in our larger selves.. sometimes those people see fat pigs.. or a fat and happy person... sometimes if they know us well.. they just see us.. not the fat.... lets shed the pounds and suddenly we are normal... suddenly we are one of them.. I think thats how they view it. Yeah.. the "they" who is the infamous "they".. its the general public.. I can give you a prime example of the above.. I went to boarding school in high school. Prior to going to boarding school I attended the local high school for one year.. My dad had to bring me early to school because a group of boys would stand outside and BARK at me and some other unattractive girls when we walked in.. and because of the set up of the school.. it was A HUGE open area with metal lockers and the barking would radiate through out the BIG hall.. Humiliating to say the least. Yesterday I was at a party and a friend brought up one of those boys names.. now granted he is well into his 40s now and probably has no memory of what he and his friends did.. but in my mind.. he is still 17 .. and stuck there... why do I say that? because.. other young men that tormented me.. through out that awful time.. 3 approached me at various times through out my young adulthood and actually apologized. One happened in college.. I was in decent shape having come off a weight loss program.. he came and sat next to me in physcology class.. I will never forget it.. I knew right away.. I knew who he was.. and this time I was not scared of him.. I said .. what do you want with me.. he said nothing .. just it was nice to sit by a familiar face.. I was not really happy with him sitting next to me.. to me he was a 16 year old boy still.. and he humilated me in front of an entire classroom .. as a high school fraternity prank he asked me on a date.. ( I dont remember what I said but I remember all the other kids laughing at me... it was horrible..) .. I would look over at him from time to time.. finally he asked me what was going on.. and I reminded him of what he had done to me not 5 years prior.. he said he did not remember...He looked at me and said. Honi people grow up and change.. and then.. he apologized. Then.. those years were wiped away... He was 20 something and I was 20 something and ironically we became study partners during that quarter. I never saw or heard from again.. but like him 2 others apologized to me as well.. that healed a great deal of past pain.. For the others out there.. I don't really think about it.. The guy refered to yesterday at the party? In my mind.. yeah he is still that 17 year old obnoxious jerk.. he might be a fine man now.. but I dont' know that side of him. You can say to me Honi GROW UP.. and I will say to you its not about growing up.. it'a about always remembering that what you say and what you do has an effect on someone in your life.. Good or bad it stays with them.. and that is how they remember you until something happens to change that opinion.
So now.. out of the past and into the future... Weigh in number 1 in less than 1 hour... wish me luck.. wish you luck too
Until Next time!

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