FAMILY FROM OUR WEDDING

Monday, March 3, 2008

SOMETHING TO SAY.... MY SWING...

I discovered something about myself yesterday I did not like.. we had mom over for brunch yesterday.. I love my mom but she is a difficult person... if you had been sitting at our table yesterday .. you would not have noticed it if you did not know her well. Even Steve said to me after she left.. 'boy your mom was abusive today" followed by "I think she is depressed" My mother has a way of saying things that to the normal ear sound harmless but when you really listen it makes your stomach churn.. yesterday during one of these moments.. I was at the island in the kitchen cleaning up from brunch.. and I walked over to the danish cake we had out and cut myself a slice.. then another.. then another.. at 3 different times.. and as I type this.. I was not aware i was doing this until it was all done and eaten.. I was so dissapointed in myself.. I had not done this type of behavior for well over a year.. and here I was letting the stress. of the day .. guide me.. I had had 3 small pieces of french toast.. a good helping of fruit and nuts.. and choc soy milk as well which I ended up not drinking... but for some reason the more irritated I got the quieter I got .. and the more I ate.. I went in the other room.. I dont purge.. what happens to me when I eat food that I have not had in a while I get very bad stomach issues.. its like my body can not digest the fat.. so i get an upset stomach followed by a you better be in the bathroom moment.. I remember her yelling for me when I was in the bathroom.. and I was so angry.. anger I could feel.. anger I could taste.. .I was in the bathroom leave me the fuck alone.. that is what i was thinking.. of course she was leaving and she wanted me to know.. that.. naturally she left something.. this time it was her sun glasses.. I never finished going to bathroom .. I ran out after her to give her her sun glasses.. had I not done that .. I am sure I would have allowed myself to be guilted in to bringing them to her she lives nearly 30 minutes away.. ( and with gases prices today thats a schlep) .. so the problem lies with me.. how do I stop these old patterns of self destruction from coming back.. What I am so desperately hoping is that my trip to Israel will be the SWING in my get along.. Do you know what I mean.. it will be the SWING that helps me getting control of my eating.. again.. and I will be doing a TON of walking.. so that should be good too.. I HOPE..
I am going to the gym tonight.. as the weather will be bad late tonight and tomorrow.. ( YES DIANA I HAVE MY IPOD WORKING YAY) I am still twisted on the inside.. nervous.. I dont call mom as often as I should.. I dont want to hear what the latest problem is.. there is so much tied into this relationship with her.. so much I thought I had let go of.. She is who she is.. and I do not begrudge that.. Mom is a good person albeit a demanding person. I guess I have a hard time relating to how she feels.. her whole world fell apart over 6 years ago when my dad was killed in the car accident which she was also a victim of. I know she still deals with all of that today.. She has yet to find her way.. and unless she is busy all of the time.. then when she has down time she does not know what to do with her herself.. for example she took computer classes, this is her 3rd time taking classes.. does she practice... it is very doubtful... my aunts took the class with her.. and one of them said she was so demanding in that class.. I felt.. well guilty when my aunt said that to me.. it is stuff I hear all the time... how my dad spoiled mom.. etc.. things I deal with all the time.. things I let eat away at me.. and rather than deal with it.. I .. I eat it away.. and I had stopped that last year.. and now I see myself doing the same bad habit again... my mom will be 75 she is a young 75.. thin.. attractive.. she could be doing so much ... volunteering.. helping others.. but she chooses not too.. my mom will need me one day .. need me very much.. and I dont want to be a resentful daughter.. and parts of me feel very resentful.... yes I have two siblings who live out of state and are no help .. truth be told they have their issues... so it all comes back to me.. How do I stay healthy.. both mentally and physically... ? I think this break in return coming up in two weeks .. this trip to Israel will be my Swing... I can analyze this to death.. I know.. all I want is my SWING.. my SWING back into a good place.. which allows me to continue onwards.. downwards... thats my hope..
Wish me well
wish you well too..

8 comments:

Grumpy Chair said...

I fully understand. Maybe one way to stop the eating is to stop and right down everything you are about to eat - kind of get you out of the self-hypnosis you were under with eating three small slices of cake. It's like driving the same way everyday where you don't remember driving part of it because you had literally, self-hypnotised yourself. Same with the eating food mindlessly (a word that I hate!).

Don't beat yourself up, recognize you were not aware of it, and make a plan.

Hope you have a better week.

Scale Junkie said...

I posted about mindless eating today too but it sounds as if you are eating to drown out your Mom.

Don't beat yourself up for this. Some of this comes from your history. Learn to put it in its place and find a better way around it!

Chubby Chick said...

Awww... I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this kind of stress with your mother! Stress of any kind sucks... but when it comes from a family member... it is somehow worse!

This trip to Israel sounds like just what the doctor ordered! I'm so happy that you are going! :)

Hanlie said...

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom - and I used to attack myself after being with her as well. I had to lay down some boundaries, which was hard, but it sure worked. She watches what she says now and I have trained myself to react better to her. Once I committed to the process, the situation actually improved quite quickly.

And why do they always leave their sunglasses everywhere they go?

buddha_girl said...

Oy vey. I'm so sorry that your mom brought out the worst in you the other night. I feel the same way about myself so often, Honi.

Know that you're doing your best. I don't think weight, health, good habits come naturally. I also don't think these things will be something we 'conquer.' I think we have to work at them daily. Forever. Just the way things are, I guess.

The powerful message in your post is that you had INSIGHT into your eating pattern and could trace its roots. In the past, perhaps you just beat yourself up in a senseless manner. That's progress, sister.

I'm proud of you for understanding your mom and her shortcomings. As daughters, I think that's one of the toughest things we do in life because we still love them even at their worst.

*hard hugs*

Ready to Shrink said...

Oh lady I could write a book on mother issues as well. But I just wanted to let you know that I totally sympathize with you. If i had any advice I would offer it but I can barely deal with my mother issues. LOL Just like you I love her...but man sometimes she can make it REALLY hard.

Jeper Drai said...

I am no stranger to "Mother Issues". Manipulative, demanding, and judgemental.

A long time ago, I simply started to observe my mother's behavoirs, the same way an anthropologist would observe a member of a primitive tribe.

Any comments about you, are simply telling you about her and what type of person she is.

I no longer cringe when I hear her start with "You know what? I think you should...." When I hear that, I stop everything and give her my undivided attention. I usually repy with "What a great idea, why had I not thought of that." Then I completely ignore whatever she said.

Of course, it also means that over time I have become emotionally detached from her, but that is the price I pay for sanity and peace.

The lesson I have learned from this is to adjust my communication style with my own children. Once or twice a week, I ask their opinion on something. It does not matter what. I want them to feel that our conversations are not simply about what we expect from them, but also that they too have opinions and I am intersted in what they think.

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