A TRIP AVOIDED

I ran errands earlier today .. and decided to stop at Walmart to purchase some things for our upcoming trip.. I bought 2 pair of jeans.. When I buy clothes .. it is fitting hell.. The 18 W are too big even if they are shorts.. the 16 W fit just right only they did not have any shorts so I had to buy medium.. WE are talking stride and length .. not shorts as in well.. SHORTS.. YOU will never find me in shorts.. I look.. uhmmm SHORT in SHORTS lol... so I ended up getting 2 pair of Rider Jeans boot cut medium length 16W.. I could fit into the 18 regular but there just was not enough hitch for my get along.. if ya know what I mean...in other words though they fit.. there was a little peekybutt going on... and I hate that.. I like classic cut relaxed fit short jeans in a 16W.. GOT ANY OF THOSE for me?? well.. say what you will about Walmart.. but that sweet lady at the dressing area is really nice.. Walmart might be some cheap shopping but for some reason those RIDER jeans always fit me.. even if they well are a little long.. I never can find them in a short unless its a larger size.. okay enough short talking...
Whats going on in the world of HONI....nothng much just getting ready for the trip.. dealing with a bit of anxiety too.... Am going to the doctor tomorrow afternoon..... kinda down about that because I know I have gained a little nothing traumatic but I am about 187.. so thats okay but not where I want to be.. another reason this trip is so important to me.. One of my girlfriends who was bigger than me.. went to Israel and lost 30 pound in 3 weeks.. now part of that time she did get sick but part of it was because they walked a lot and what they ate was healthy.. she was a teen then.. but she said even the last time when she went she lost.. so I am hoping that this will be the kick in the pants I need.. I am hoping that I will get My Swing going you know.. Motivated .. all I will have to deal with is walking, touring, perhaps snorkeling.. reading.. walking... eating... walking.. reading.. touring.. smelling, seeing, touching, sleeping, moving.. hearing...walking.. touring.. breathing... reading.. a little PSP ( PLAY STATION PORTABLE) and some IPOD time too.. oh and WRITING in my notebook.. nothing like some old fashioned writing ... I still can not believe we are actually doing this.. We have talked about this for years.. and now its happening.. of course we talked about getting married for years too.. and that happened.. so why shouldn't this happen too.???. .. Well as I was orginally saying... I go to the Doctor tomorrow.. I am going to tell him where I am at.. with this anxiety, itchy skin and dry skin and nervous feeling.. I am going to tell him about the mom situation and tell him I know only I can control my feelings... and sometimes like Sunday I totally just go the wrong way.. I am going to invite mom to spend the night saturday night and then have breakfast with us Sunday .. we will not serve DANISH! .. we will have a nice healthy breakfast.. then mom can go on about her business..
I am really trying to maintain control.. I dont want to see 200 pounds ever again.. and I am scared that I will lose control again.. so there .. that is said.. I am not near 200 pounds so that is good.. but I am worried.. I am in a precarious place right now.. I can feel it.. I am in a weird place.. you know it.. like I do .. there are 2 places..... the infamous FuckItville located in the heart of IDon'tGiveADamn which is right by IfYouTouchMyFoodOneMoreTimeIWillForkYourFingersOff... county... it is not a pretty place.. it is where the food is not healthy, it where you don't have control, it is where you feel miserable and you feel worse than a failure.. it is where no one cares.. and the worst part is well.. you don't care .. and the shame you feel becomes tighter and more binding than any girdle or bra you could ever imagine.. it is not a plesant place..
On the other hand... ICare Village is the better place, there is no limit as to what you can achieve there.. lets see.. it is near.. IAmWorthThisStruggle Corners... and there you will find lots of faith.. lots of honesty and lots of friends who matter and care about you.. and the most amazing thing .. even when your faith in yourself is wobbley these friends across the miles.. they stand right by you.. even if its miles away and its electronically.. they are there.. cheering you on.. and helping you wipe the dust of your clothes when you trip .. their belief in you gives you the ability to find belief in yourself.. I do not want to go back to what I was.. each pound each ounce I let go of sets me more free to be the person I really want to know.. the one that is more physcially able the one who might not have as much chronic pain.. she is the woman I want to know... and though she seems far away right now.. thats okay.. because in ICare Village.. it is a safe place to be.. and pull your thoughts together.. and map a new destiny.. and a new beginning.. you can always start over in ICare.. its far prettier than FuckIttville...
I will avoid that trip.. at all costs...

FLAXSEED great article on Flaxseed we have been adding it to our salads.. in the whole form.. but we might start grinding it.. I will tell you that whole .. seems to be very good for you... read about it! ...
Anyhow.. thats it for a sunny day followed by a rainy day , followed by possible snow flurries on Saturday in Birmingham ALabama ..
Wish me well
Wish you well too!