Tuesday, March 11, 2008


In that moment when you decide to make lifestyle changes and get yourself together.. the energy you possess is great... but then over time.. where energy turns to habit.. and habit turns mundane and something occurs that encourages you to slip a bit.. we find that getting back on and continuing forward becomes harder.. that energy you had at the beginning seems to have gone for some reason.. what reason ... ??? I really do not know.. I do know that it is hard to get it back though.. I have struggled with that... I believe I will get it back.. that our trip to Israel is just the motivation to put me in the place I need to be ... so I feel good because of that.. but prior to even knowing of this trip.. I realized that the cost of being Human was the acceptance that as perfect as I want to be... eating wise.. I will never be.. is that a cop out? no.. not at all.. it is the truth.. it is the cost of being human.. we are imperfect beings.. who strive to be as good and perfect as we can many many times... Not perfect in everything mind you.. but usually we pick something.. a weakness or something we want to change about ourselves.. and we try and try and try to be perfect.. and when we slip and that being perfect is challanged.. well.. finding our way back to that first inspiration sometimes is a hard road.. I think the important thing is to not lose what you have accomplished.. breath a minute and then work towards your goal again...
I am doing this by learning new things about myself... I found out.. one thing I really never realized about me recently.. I would say... buy a treat.. I would gobble the treat up.. and not save any for another day.. I think for me that stems from food always being taken away from me... and not being allowed to have treats openly but having to sneak them as a kid.. I think had I been taught normally.. then this would not have happened.. so I started working on things.. for example one day I bought a small package of vanilla wafers.. you know the mini box u can get at walgreens.. and I made that last for 2 days.. normally I would have eaten the whole box ( 3 servings) in one day... but I told me myself no one was going to take this.. I could enjoy it.. and I could let it last.. that was the first time I had ever done that.. I also started doing that with those Hershey 60 calorie chocolate sticks.. I will have one maybe once a week.. and its okay for the box to sit in the pantry.. no on will take it from me.. isn't that pathetic? that at 45 .. I have a hard time keeping treats in the house because of that fear.. that is almost illogical.. because I know I am buying something.. I know know no one will really take it from me.. yet I eat it as if someone is going to grab it right away... sometimes when we learn things about ourselves.. its a bit shocking.. I am trying really hard now to become more aware of how and why I eat.. I tried to brush all of that away during all of this changing but I realized, how am I going to change something when I don't really want to acknowledge it.. so I acknowledge that holding onto treats.. sweets.. is difficult for me. and learning that I can have a portion of something.. and that it will still be there tommorow is a nice thing.. okay I know to most of you this sounds so silly and weird.. it does to me too.. especially when I type it out.. but.. it is one of my many truths..
Which is a great segue into my post for Tommorow it will be titled Truths about me.. it will be in list form. it will be the good , the bad and the beautiful.. .. maybe we should each post a list.. what are those truths about ourselves that make us the way we are.. sometimes when you see those things you deem silly about yourself.. you realize how you came to be the way you are and then you can work on developing ways to change those things that concern you. just a thought...
Wish me well
Wish you well too


Felicia said...

Your part about the treats hit home with me. I to am just like that. Have to eat and and eat ALL of it as fast as I can as there might not be more. I dont remember having any food taken away from me growing up but I learned that some where. We have done just the oppoiste with Joshua and now are able to have treats of all kinds around the house and he eats only WHEN and WHAT he wants and it usually takes hours lol. He is the only kid I know that takes FOUR bites to eat a BITE sized peanut butter cup. What is up with that LOL

Anyways I thought you posted a GREAT post.

Have a SUPER day!

40 by 40 said...

It is hard to get that energy and enthusiasm back like we had in the beginning...early on Hanlie wrote a post comparing this journey to a romantic relationship or a marriage--how in the beginning it's all great (of course you are there now) and then you have to WORK at it...Ups and downs..I am just going with the whole baby steps thing and changing slowly...trying to incorporate new habits..wanting to make them stick. And good job making the treats last--i can't make them last at all. If I know they are's like they call to me..I find a way to just walk past and grab some..until they are all gone.Better for me to NOT have them in the house. Then my kids complain that we have no good desserts :)..there have been times when I had my hubby take the treats with him in his car..and bring them home after I wouldn't eat the kids stuff..My parents never kept junk food in the house when I was a kid..hmmm. Just enjoy your trip and eat what you want (in moderation, I guess) . It's a vacation of a lifetime!

buddha_girl said...

I don't think "pathetic" is how I'd describe this feeling.

More like:
an honest appraisal of where you came from, a deep insight into who you are and your family system.

You're too hard on yourself, Honi. You're not supposed to be perfect. None of us are. You don't have to have perfect eating habits, a perfect exercise regimen, or the perfect body weight and shape.

The only thing I think you should have/be/do is the knowledge that you are, in fact, human and will have ups and downs. I want you to realize how very strong and resilient you are in this thing called life. Your insight into where you've come from and why you have the relationship you do with food, your mother, and yourself is proof positive that you've made healthy changes. Period.

Lora said...

You're so right about trying to be perfect. "Perfect" isn't someone else's standard as we often think it is...and try unsuccessfully to live up to - it needs to be our OWN standard and we need to realize that we are ALL "perfect" because we were created in God's image. Not perfect like God (!) but in the sense that He made us & He doesn't make junk! We can improve the things we can (eating better - taking care of our bodies) but the things we can't - we need to accept and love.
I think your trip to Israel will be awesome. (Have I said that 100 times already?!) And it just may change you!

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