FAMILY FROM OUR WEDDING

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Do you ever have that feeling of : I NEED ME BACK

I need me back.. I need the woman back who nearly 2 years ago weighed in at 180 at her lowest in years... I need the person that worked so hard back.. I have no idea why she left and left me with this woman who is eating herself into oblivion.. this woman who would rather continuously eat than eat for hunger and energy.. She chooses very unhealthy things to eat and things that are high in calories. She loves sweets and breads and makes sure her day is filled with both and not in moderation.. She stepped on the scale today and weighed 203.8 pounds.. WTF has she done with Honi.. the strong and smart and fighter Honi.. I never thought I would be back over 200 pounds again.. I never thought I would go back... my top was 211.5.. and I really do not want to go there.. It has been suggested that I do a lap band or gastric bypass.. and while I think those options are great for some people I do not think its great for me... because my problem is not really just the food.. It is using the food as a pacifer for all emotions... With out going into detail and some of you know the detail... this past year has been a piss poor year, between my mother dieing , and now all the bullshit that is going along with the estate and other issues.. and the house not selling.. the pressure well it sometimes feels as if my head is going to explode.. and I am really just so sad.. but I am mostly ANGRY at myself.. I do not like the way my clothes fit.. I do not like how I feel.. and I am so dissapointed in myself that I am sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks and the irony in this whole thing .. is that I will probably not do anything today.. or tomorrow to change my predicament... I am going to to the doctor for a check up next Friday.. and I am determined to have a decision on what I am going to do with ME.. with that strange woman that is back in body who does not take care of me.. I need the other woman back.. the other one who encouraged me.. and stood by me.. and helped me go in the right direction.. only I need her stronger and better and able to handle any challenge that comes her way... I am thinking for a quick start to do Nutri system.. however I do find it MASSIVELY EXPENSIVE, however, when I did it in 1989 I lost 50 pounds in about 6 months I kept most of the weight off until my mom had open heart surgery in 1991 and I had to stay with her in the hospital.. I would spend late night down in the cafeteria eating icecream sandwiches.. needless to say over that summer I gained 25 pounds back and kept on going up.. I have not done anything signifcant until I did the Mayo CLinic weight loss for everybody 2 years ago when I lost about 30 pounds... but here I am back up the creek again... when will this ever end.. I am tired of the anger and pain I cause my body .. Me .. I cause this.. One of my sisters says do nutri system and then you will have the weight off by my neices wedding.. well I dont care about that.. this has to be about me.. she asks me what will my husband do.. he can eat what he wants. whatever.. but for me a commitment to Nutri system would mean no more going out to eat for the next few months and eating all meals at home..or where a microwave is available thats a commitment.. it would cost me 299.95 a month to do Nutri system .. my other choice is the new program at Weight Watchers, it would cost me 65.00 for the first 3 months and I have a discount coupons that makes the first 3 months 59.00 and then 16.95 each month their after. the positives are I could eat anywhere and pretty much what i want.. with in reason, the new program also goes mobile so I can put it on Steves blackberry and I am not sure if I can put it on my G1 though they also have a Mens program and Steve wants to lose weight .. although he loses weight in the blink of an eye when he wants.. but he might go on WW with me or follow along .. we are going to talk about these programs and make a decision prior to next week. WW would be the most easiest and when I follow it I have success.. My sister says I should go to the meetings to be held accountable.. I HATE THE MEETINGS, its full of fluffy people for the most part.. and yes they might be losing weight but I seldom see really big people there usually tennis moms and the like.. Fluff.. nothing has ever helped me at the meetings.. Online the program is accessible 24 /7 .. I think I can do e tools if I do go to meetings... I dont know what I want to do.. I hated the meetings years ago when i did them.. I did lose weight.. maybe 15 pounds or so .. just not sure what to do.. BUT I MUST DO SOMETHING...
Until next time

7 comments:

Vicki said...

I know how you're feeling. I feel that way too. I'm sick and tired of living in this body. In my mind I'm still the thin woman I used to be. Then I see myself in a mirror or reflected in a store window and think..."How in the world did I get this big?" I know we can get back to where we were. It's just going to take time. One day at a time. Some days will be good, some not so good. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. And remember that you're not alone.

Twix said...

(((Honi)))(((morehugs)))

You are still that woman. You are still that strong woman who once got to that lower healthier weight. Reading this I feel your anxiety, pain, sadness, and anger. Something also struck me. It's what you said, "because my problem is not really just the food.." And then you went into detail with all these programs whose focus is on the food. And while you know they will work in the short run they won't in the long run just like gastric surgery. My thought was perhaps you should look into some other program/counseling that would help you with the why you are doing the stuffing and neglecting. Like you, I believe we need help dealing with our emotions, certain situations and how we respond to them. And I honestly think that in the long run no matter what gains (or in our case losses) we make in this journey we won't be able to hold onto them unless we deal with what actually got us here in the first place. Because we'll keep continuing the same cycle until it's truly broken. And I know something else is true; if that Strong Honi wasn't anymore, Weak Honi wouldn't have put herself out here and published this. You are still fighting for you! Don't give up the fight, I know you won't!

and sorry if I'm all extra squeezey... (((((Honi)))))

Big Pissy said...

Just the fact that you wrote this post....put it out there...is a big step in the right direction.

You can do this, Honi.

....and yes, there will be good days and bad days. when you have a bad day, remember you can start over again the next day. :)

{{{hugs}}}

Vicki said...

I have something for you HERE

~Laura said...

If you find your 'me' can you see if my 'me' is there too??? Have good weekend!

Lyn said...

I totally get that feeling Honi. You're not alone, and I believe in you. We will get out of our eating comas together. Its been a rough year for you. Time to take care of YOU!

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