I hear it time and time again.. should I make a comment about my weight.. or if someone is saying.. boy she is big.. when discribing someone I will say big like me, or smaller or bigger.. what do you mean by big... and they always say.. NAWWWW you are Honi.. so that does not apply... I use myself as a marker often of size.. Sometimes I am so baffled when I will say something about my weight and I get that Nooooo you are Honi.. it just would not be right if you did not look like you ... not that anyone wishes me ill health mind you.. but this image .. this personification I have... where on earth did it come from.. that I am associated with my size... if I weighed 50 pounds less.. would I not be me? of course I would be me.. only .. 50 pounds thinner and most probably in better health. I am fully aware that none of these folks means anything about it with their comments.. they are used to me at this weight... so a thinner version is different... I know when a friend of mine lost close to 200 pounds it took me the longest time to get used to the new her.. she was still her.. she was who she always had been.. just healthier.. now... perhaps I had personified her in a certain place.. a certain way.. and when she on her own terms .. changed.. then I had to change my thoughts of who she was and not associate self with size...
It is shocking in a way to know that there are people that associate you at a certain weight.. that since they have known you .. you have always been a certian size.. and like one person said to me.. Queen Latifah would not be Queen Latifah if she were a size 1.. is that really true? does she lose something if she were to change her size dramatically? Will I lose something should I change my size dramatically??? Pounds.. thats what I will lose.. and hopefully i will gain a few extra years...
I know what I do to my body is .. I know my body does not need the junk I put into it.. and i know my body sends me signals all the time.. that it needs to be fueled with good food... that crap does nothing.. that crap does not make pain go away nor hurt disseapear.. .. Life is what it is with all its bumps and bruises.. the key is living... and accepting the now ... even if others are not sure what do with your now... So I am not afraid to change.. just curious in the way that people percieve me.. because now.. when I do make these changes.. their perceptions will yet again change.. and I hope for the better..
Until next time...
Monday, March 30, 2009
SELF WITH SIZE
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2 comments:
There are people with whom I am no longer friends because I wasn't meeting their needs as "the fat friend" once I lost the weight. I don't miss them but do regret not having seen them for what they were BEFORE I lost the weight.
If anything, I think I'm MORE authentic now that I'm where I am in my life. I don't attempt to meet the needs of so many people anymore.
I'm wondering how much people rely on the "fat friend" for reassurance that they're somehow "better." There is this perception in our society that people who are heavy -even just a teensy bit - are somehow "less" than others. I loathe that and work hard each day to knock that belief to the ground.
You are Honi - I don't care what size. I only care that you are you.
This is good and what buddha girl wrote as well. Those that are unhappy with themselves sometimes use others as their crutch in life and when they change nothing's the same. You are who you are inside regardless of your size so go for it Honi!
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