MY LIFE IS GOOD

I was just visiting a blog I recently discovered.. Journeying to lose 200 pounds.. its in my sidebar.. or click on this link : http://gottalose200pounds.blogspot.com/ check her out... she talked about Gym class when she was a kid... Relate is an understatement...

I have often said that I do not regret all that I went through as a child because it made me who I am today... Over time I came to the realization that I had to put the past away. Yet we all know inevitably we are shaped by our pasts.. We may keep it boxed up tight.. with a little bow ribbon on it.. Or it may be bundled up with chains and a lock minus the long forgotten key..hoping we can forget the contents of that box... but those memories have a way of creeping out and surrounding our brains .. here and there through out our adult life.. the jabs.. the hurt.. the unfairness of those that seemed stronger than us. I did a post a while back on this very subject
http://healthyhoni.blogspot.com/2007/07/did-you-ever-make-fun-of-fat-kid.html ... so I won't go back to what happened to me. I just know that it shaped me. Just like your past shaped you. I knew at a young age i was different.. and I know as an adult that I am different and do not fit any particular mold. Yeah .. sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to be the "socker mom" or to be the "thin girl' or to be the "career successful girl making lots of money" or to be the "creative girl living off whatever talent I had" or to be the "girl with the voice".. .. but I was the "fat girl" the "pretty face girl" the "if she would only lose weight girl" what anyone ever saw in me for the most part was based on my weight. I sometimes wonder how Steve saw beneath it all and saw the real me.. People forget to look and are very quick to judge.. I guess. He did not forget to look and he did not judge ... I really have no regret.. just curiousity I suppose.. and maybe a few "if onlys"
I have a good life.. a forth coming marriage.. great adventures... a wonderful man... a nice home.. nice neighbors.. a great family and extended family... through it all.. It is good.. SO GOOD.. MY LIFE IS GOOD. I bet through it all.. when you lay it all out and think about it.. YOURS IS TOO...
Wish me well
Wish you well too...

MISTRESS OF MY CHAOS

You know that feeling you have where ..you sort of have it all together and you have an idea of a plan but the world around you will not cooperate.. ?? that is how I feel. I have a late day at work today.. will get home around 7ish.. no gym because then I would not get home until 9 and I have been working at not eating after 8 pm water only.. thats what I try and goal towards.. I do pretty well with it too.. every now and then I might have a bowl of cereal.. or a little snack but most of the time I finish before 8 so its not a problem... I am not a morning exerciser.. its really hard with my back and pain to get moving early in the morning.... sometimes I will go for walk or ride my recumbent bike.. it just depends on my pain level.. so the desire to exercise is there.. its just up to the body a lot of times...
Chronic pain can be an interesting place to live.. sometimes you are active and fine and other times a simple twist of the hip can take your breath away because some how you have done something to aggrevate that lovely live in guest of yours.. (mine) back pain... it hurts to breath at its worst.. and is a dull nagging ache at its best.. I have had doctors say my pain threshold is very high.. which really is not all that good because sometimes I let myself hurt badly for too long and then getting control of it gets more difficult... What I am trying to say is.. this pain is like a consistent flow of chaos in my life.. though I work really hard to ignore it .. sometimes it sends me in to a tailspin.. and I end up asking myself.. is this really worth it..?? is getting healthy really even a reality for me.. DUH.. yes.. the more weight I lose the less strain on my back ( says the logical side of me) but the whiney side of me says.. wouldn't a big bowl of icecream be more fun.. ??/ wouldn't not having to pay attention to what goes in my mouth just be a wonderful time... ??? wouldn't eating myself into oblivion be a great way to die??? hmmmm not really ( says the logical self) there is not enough food on the planet that can take away chronic pain.. the alternatives to chronic pain usually yield more pain at first and you may or may not get some relief.. who really fucking knows???( do you sense my anger there.. with all the great thing we humans can do .. we have yet to figure out a true way to really help those in pain.. its up to us as individuals to find our way) .... so... In my Organized Chaos... I have to really be focused..
Really know that the 2 pounds I gained over the weekend because I did not make wise choices in my eating.. ( portion control) ( bad choices) ( and they tasted horrible) are just a tickler to say.. Honi.. fix it.. you can control this. and though the world around you may flip and flop.. You do have control over your eating.. you can give your body unlimited veggies.. you can give your body limited carbs, protein, dairy and fruit... You can be proud of your accomplishments.. and every time that you move towards that light .. towards that never ending change.. and accept that this life is full of never ending change.. then its all a good thing...
I did not want to step on the scale this morning.. I was suppose to do it yesterday but chickened out.. and I am the one that says the scale is only a tool not a weapon of mass destruction.. wait.. make that a weapon of SELF DESTRUCTION.. the scale just lets me know.. what direction I am really going and that if I feed myself properly and try and get in some type of movement or exercise several times a week at a minimum.. then I am going in the right direction.. So it would seem then I become the mistress of my chaos.. that I can control what I can.. and I can just let those other things be...
Wish me well.
Wish you well too...

GOT MY MOTOR RUNNING.. I FOUND MY ADVENTURE.. HEADED OUT ON THE HIGHWAY....

SO sorry.. having a moment in my mind... awesome rockin perfect road trip... check my flickr site for pictures in the sidebar and also look on my blog link for TWO WHEEL TALES click over there for my post on the trip...

HERE we shall talk about my ehmm.. uhmmm not ideal eating ... it was not very good nor was it particularly in my interest.. I meant well.. but well its done over and I am not a purger...

SO .. Friday night we were anxious to get there.. stopped to stretch.. and stopped at a JACKS Hamburger.. ( whoever thought up the slogan.. YOU'LL COME BACK BACK BACK TO JACKS JACKS JACKS.. has a serious crack addiction.. and I am not just talking the drug.. that person is an asscrack) ...the food.. if you could call it that was horrible... yeah I know .. so Honi... why on earth did you eat it???.. because we were there and I was hungry.. okay.. geezz... thats why .. I ate what was disguised as a hamburger ( I LIKE MINE WITH LETTUCE AND TOMATO , HEINZ 57 AND FRENCH FRIED POTATOS A BI.... oops sorry I listened to my IPOD to much today... (JIMMY BUFFET- CHEESEBURGER IN PARADISE) ... seriously I like my hamburgers with lettuce tomato and a little ketchup.. and occasionally mustard.. I dont know what in the hell I ate friday night.. and yes I did indulge in what I thought was french fries.. 4 of them .. then I was scared because I noticed they had some orange powder freak me out scary looking neon stuff on them.. YIKES.... so we left praying we would not get sick... THE next morning.. our hostess Sandi at Angels Landing Bed and Breakfast is a doll she is one of these rare individuals who really understands the value of good health combined with good food.. she made us a spinach and egg dish for breakfast with flax seed and apple muffins on the side.. plus sliced strawberries...that was devine.. no one got sick or felt greasy or smelled yucky Saturday morning... it was a great way to start our day off... We rode... walked around... for a while and decided we were hungry.. BIG MISTAKE.. we ate at an AW place good diet root beer . bad on the bellies food.. I wont even go there suffice to say it was bad.. and it got worse from there.. we went to a street fair.. Steve got a chilly dog.. I had a bite.. we bought pumpkin cookies ( they were about the size of golf ball with a glaze on them) ... I ate 2 and a half... we walked more.. ) then we came back to the B and B.. rested for a while.. and went out to dinner.. we went to one of our favorite places.. ( usually eating the same thing... and its always heavenly).....SHOEBOOTIES.. it was HORRIBLE.. at first.. we thought we were in for a treat... started with a great NEW appetizer fresh mozzerella on top of thick sliced tomato on a crustini cracker drizzled with a little olive oil and garlic and basil.. not a bad start.. I ordered grilled trout... and a salad and baked potato plain... The salad was fine.. I keep my dressing on the side and dip the tines of my fork in it so i can have a little dressing with salad... I took all the crutons and red onion off my salad and ate it... the trout came.. it was TOO SALTY I ate some but could not eat it.. Steve had a steak.. this one was horrible.. dry as a bone... I think we were both too surprised to even call the waiter back plus we were tired having ridden over 200 miles on the bike that day... and doing a lot of walking.. When we got back to the B and B we went on another walk we did do a lot of walking so I should be proud that even with the not too good eating we did exercise... ... then we retired for the night.. dissapointed that our great meal .. was lousy.. and we decided we would not go back there... Breakfast today was a WW meal.. that Sandi made for us .. rasberry hot cakes with light vanilla yogurt on top.. it was devine... she gave us some muffins to take with us to snack on on the road.. and that we did... lunch was subway sandwich.. so we did far better today than the last two days.. Dinner tonight was fresh home made real oatmeal ( 1 cup) with chopped apples, SPLENDA brown sugar and cinnamon and a splash of vanilla and two tablespoons of real butter.. ( REMEMBER THIS IS ABOUT 10 SERVINGS OF OATMEAL so thats not that bad for the butter) ... I make a big amount of Oatmeal and keep it in the fridge for breakfast or dinner during the week.. ( I use a 1 cup measuring cup and dole out the oatmeal that way during the week ) its quick and healthy and very filling... and stays with you a long time... so today we got back on track ... I made a seafood food salad with left over pasta to take to work for lunch tomorrow... so I am set for the next couple of days for lunch as well... I was overall a little disapointed in my eating this weekend... but.. the trip was great.. we did do a lot of walking and a ton of riding and riding in cold or cool weather you tend to have a fairly demanding appetite.. ... don't know why really .. I guess you are burning fuel to keep your body warm.. SO that was the weekend be sure and CHECK out TWO WHEEL TALES In the side bar to read about the trip..
Wish me well
Wish you well too...

BORN TO BE WILD.. and other Friday banter...

Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way

Yeah come on I know you are singing it... though I love that song .. Steve and I fall in the cruiser category of motorcyclists... you know the ones.. the older cyclists ( and we are by no means old) who you pass on the highway in your car.. and you wonder.. are they NUTS?? or maybe even.. "I wish i could be doing that" .. so we are not the rough and tumble image of a biker couple that a lot of folks have an image of provided by our very thoughtful media.... people have such a misconception of what a motorcyclist is. In today's world you have a lot of riders that are doctors and lawyers.. and business folks who like to cut loose on the weekend.. You have crotch rockets ( speed bikes) and cruisers( folks who travel on their bikes long distance and also folks who love a good long sunday ride..... and retired folks.. its really an awesome very friendly community of people.. even those bikers .. you might think of as rough... can be some Amazingly awesome folk.. I guess it goes back to that.. you should never judge someone by how they look...

that's a perfect segue into...

MY FRIDAY RANT: IMPERFECTION is perfectly perfect....

FAT PEOPLE... hmmm funny how when you say those two words ...you can say them in a very detached way or in a very ANGRY way... People look at folks like us... they either are not affected or they think .. sheeesh look at that pig.. can't that person control themselves? what on earth does that freak eat to be that big? etc... etc... etc...

Sometimes these same folk feel as if they must remind us that we are large... GOD you are so FAT!.. who let the HOG out! ... you know.. if you would just watch your weight ... and my favorite.. YOU HAVE SUCH A PRETTY FACE... sheesh.. the funniest to me was when a doctor actually said to me once ( a bone doctor) You know you are overweight.. if you just would lose some weight I think it might help.. YA THINK???? sheesh...

HEY you guys... listen up... YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME BY REMINDING ME THAT I AM LARGE, PLUMP, FAT, BIG , CHUNKY, CHUBBY, SQUEEZABLE, TEDDY BEAR, ROTUND, ROUND , OR in general taking up too much space! If you want to help me.. DO NOT JUDGE ME LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN ONLY LOUDER
DO NOT JUDGE ME!!!!

FOR YOU.. yes.. YOU ...are not with out fault..
for you are just as fragile and weak as me..
for you are strong and smart .. so am I ..
for you have most of the same issues has I do...
for you and I are just a like in the most simplest of terms...
we each are HUMAN
...a complex creature filled with all types of anxiety, emotion, love, passion, hate, drama, joy, habits, issues, wonderment, illness, weakness and strength .... and ..
IMPERFECTION ...
imperfection makes us perfect..
perfectly human..
no such thing as perfection...wait.. thats it... THAT IS IT!!!!!!!! that really is it.. that line.. imperfection makes us perfect...
.. the IMPERFECTION IS WHAT IS PERFECT!!!!!!!
I have said that so many times before.... and for some reason.. now I really see it.. ( maybe its the big letters)....
...nothing is perfect but imperfection.. because it is always there... all of the time...in some form..

so please
stop judging me based on what you think I should or should not be...
I am waging my own personal war against myself NO longer... For if I battle myself.. while you bomb me with your words of how not right I am ...
then I have absolutely nothing...
my war is over...
so back off..

We all are in this tug .. this pull.. okay maybe it is a war...still.... with ourselves...
... we sit there and rip ourselves vicously apart because of the battle we wage against over eating... the scale , the clothes.. the mirror...
Each of us have our own arsenils loaded with weapons of mass destruction against ourselves..
words, games, starving ourselves... over feeding ourselves.. forgetting to nourish ourselves in the most basic of ways..
because we too have started to judge ourselves ... but we are HUMAN..... and like I listed above..
Humans are not perfect...
So put your weapons away...
Go look in that mirror... look at yourself...
nod...
accept what you really see...
and move on... the scale.. that little flashy thing with numbers.. its really not weapon of mass destruction.. its simply a tool to help guide you.. a tool that should never be misused.. FOR IT IS VERY POWERFUL.. yeah . you know what i mean.. You.. the one that gets on and off and on and off and on and off.. going to the bathroom.. getting back on... standing their naked in your imperfectly perfect body.. and wondering why you simply can not weigh less today.... use it wisely.. use the scale wisely and weekly... instead of every day... or if you need it every day .. only weigh once a day... use it as a tool.. not a weapon to bash yourself... You are not the sum of your pounds... you are the width and depth of your soul and compassion.. that is the real you...inside that physical you .... the one you see more often than the real you.... Use your tools... ban your weapons...
.. TOOLS...... We destroy with weapons... ( not really protecting anything)..but with tools.. we build... with faith.. we build.. with hope we build... with perseverance we succeed.
So .. as this Friday Rant winds down... I leave you with this simple thought..
Stop judging yourself... put the weapons of judgement away.. and use your tools of success.. you have them.. you really do have them... ( think weapons turned inside out... ) think negative thoughts turned into something positive... Let go of the judgement.. Look the other way when others judge you... and be true to what you want... GETTING HEALTHY .. both physically and mentally... and being strong....
Wish me well..
Wish you well too..
Get your motor runnin
'Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way

FEELING THE EARTH MOVE

OHHHHH I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!! In a couple of days I will be in the Mountains of N.C. Steve and I are taking a road trip and I can not wait... Finishing up laundry tonight so I can help pack the bike and away we go.. I will post a link to my TWO WHEELS TALE blog .. I will be posting there either Sunday or Monday and posting pictures from the trip I am sure.. This will be the first time I have had my new camera with me on a trip to the Mountains... which means we have not had a road trip since last October.. so this is perfect.. YAY... the weather should be.. PERFECT ... another YAY... its going to be fun.. and eating should be PERFECT too.... we are stayng at a great B and B and I will post all about it when I get back.. Our hostess makes wonderful healthy breakfasts too... so we are looking forward to that.. and there is a great restaurant that has wonderful fresh trout and salmon... so another healthy eating place... we probably will have dinner at Cracker Barrel along the way.. and yes even at Cracker Barrel you can make healthy choices... eggs and whole wheat toast is a good option.. and veggies that are not fried are good options too... We will get some good walking and flea market exploring in too.. I just hope we don not see any needful puppies.. thats always my weakness more than chocolate... 2 more days and then vacation for a couple of days.. YAY... then... full force focus for the wedding.. I do have my first session of PT for my neck on Monday .. PT Evaluation... then I have a visit with the pain psychologist next Thursday .. so lets see what happens.. Good news is .. at least I have a plan and feel more confident.. I talked with my cousin last night ... he has had major issues with his neck and back so I really trust his advice... and he said what I am doing is good.. but that as far as injections .. he nor anyone he has known has ever had marked relief from these injections.. and they are far more painful than the doctor's office will share with you... he explained to me a few things that I did not know too. So in the future I have a lot to consider... for the present though... taking a little vacation come Friday.. and then focusing on wedding stuff and continuing good health...
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

A QUESTION OF HEALTH

Before I get started today, I just wanted to thank each of you that emailed or commented on my last post thanks very much... I love those comments..
Hopefully the hair situation will be resolved either by Friday or next week at the soonest..and I am praying that my make up guy will do as he said.. BE THERE.. I am going to call him tomorrow to verify .. and then call him a few days before the wedding to verify again... I simply just do not trust anyone I guess LOL..
Now on to business... A QUESTION OF HEALTH ... Today I went to the Southern Pain Specialists. In hopes of developing a program to help relieve a good bit of my pain... I am starting with some PT for my neck and deep tissue massage and pool work. Then after the wedding should I need more help I will do the facet joint injections here is the link to the center so you can the choices I have. http://southernpain.com/

If I go the route of the injections these involve steriod treatment... and the major risk for me.. is weight gain.. because your appetite is increased.. Okay .. perhaps to most folks this would not be an issue when you balance the pain against the weight ... the side effects are temporary ... water weight gain is possible and increased appetite is a given.... these things.. for me.. right now.. are HUGE RED LIGHTS... I am not ready to go this route... I opted for the PT and also visiting with the pain psychologist to help develope better sleep habits.. My sleeping is always interupted by pain... ... Hopefully these things will help... along with weight loss.. and EXERCISE... I was told that if I have these injections it might put me in a better light to exercise minus the pain... so thats tempting.. but I would rather try and go with out any injections... YES I AM NEEDLE PHOBIC and we all know why... MYLOGRAM. ... I know the situations are different.. never the less I am not wild about needles of ANY size going in my spine any time soon... When I go so my regular doctor... in october for a check up I am going to ask what he thinks about this... as well... I know in my heart I have worked so hard to lose this weight... since January... and then I had that proverbial brick wall in June... still... I want to go the simplest route possible to continue losing weight... I know the folks at SPS must be good.. but I also know I don't want to do the needles not yetl.. just not ready... the idea of immediate relief sounds good even if it is not long term.. however, still the idea of steriods no matter how small a dose.. just bothers me still... and there are no guarentees of course either... ... BY the way I have been in chronic pain for 9 years and 1 month. So it has taken me a while to come to this point... Pain management while not a new field has new treatments and thats the area where these folks specialize in.. finding the nerves that cause the pain.
A QUESTION OF HEALTH incorporates not just my physical health but my emotional well being as well.. Over all I feel good ...minus the pain... I just want to get the next 50 off... thats what I want... ... Pain can be a huge road block... I try to go around it.. I try to go through it... Mostly I just deal with it.. they have said I was managing my pain well at the SPS. I just need to get this toned down a bit so I can forge ahead...
So thats where I am trying to just forge ahead.. ONWARD AND DOWNWARD..

Wish me well
Wish you well too

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

So.. I survived the holidays.. in tact.. in good weight.. yet a little amazed at my most recent eating experience.. We went to my aunt's as I mentioned in a previous post.. it was all my favorite foods.. Stuff I have one a year... I did as I said.. I concentrated on the salad.. I picked actually 4 things I really wanted and had very small servings of each. I was suppose to just do 2 I know.. but I was hungry... I stayed away from the bagels, the cream cheese and lox, I did NOT have the pizza or lasagna.. I stayed away from the tuna salad and other goodies.. I choose a perogie style potato (like a small turn over) a cinamon homemade danish, a savory strudel cheese slice, *not sure what you call it actually its so good...spinach cassarole ( elbow mac spinach and cheese soooo good) had a very small square and a very small spoonful of blueberry blintz cassarole. I also had roasted veggies as well. After dinner I chatted with my cousins and waited and waited to see if I was full.. then I decided I wanted some fruit for Steve and I to share.. I went to the table scooped out some fruit.. and I heard those cookies I love calling my name... I took two.. here is the clencher... I had a small bite of one and threw the whole one and the bitten in one in the garbage right away.. they just did not taste "worth it" too me all of the sudden.. I had no desire for them.. WHAT WAS THAT? what did that mean.. in the "old days" I would have eaten them and not thought twice about it.. but Saturday night they for some reason... seemed more important in my head and less important in my belly... I guess.. it was bizzare for me. .. So I survived it all. Food sometimes still baffles me.. I have to constantly work at making choices... it still never comes easy.. and I still have to plan.. and sometimes accepting that I have to plan my food for the rest of my life.. really seems unfair.. I would love to be a free eater like most people.. but apparently free eating and I dont't do well ... having a plan seems to be my best choice... which I guess in the long run is not a bad thing..

Wedding mini crisis: I found out that the girl who is suppose to be doing my hair for the wedding left the salon where she was at.. it happens to be the same salon one of my aunts goes too.. Apparently she walked in on Friday and gathered her stuff and left.. not saying a word to anyone... I have called her on her cell.. ( did that yesterday) ... left a message and am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt... but if I don't hear from her on Friday .. I have to find someone else to do my hair... I spent 2 hours in her chair coming up with the hairstyle for the wedding... and if she does not want to do it.. that fine with me.. JUST LET ME KNOW is all I care about... i was suppose to meet with her in Oct. for another run through... .. so I figured Friday was fair enough to hear from her... other than that.. things are going well.. wedding plans are chugging right along..
Steve was so awesome this weekend.. he helped me cut my plantable ( seeded paper) paper in squares... for my favors for the reception.. now I am atatching little cards to the squares of paper .. I hav hole punched little hearts in both cards and the paper.. and now am tying them together.. they look so cute.. I will post a picture of the favor soon... That is about the only thing in my wedding thus far that has turned out just like I imagined... sigh....
Oh well....
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

Something we all should see

http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB119024238402033039-lMyQjAxMDE3OTIwMTIyNDEyWj.html please click on link and watch video...
more food for thought!