I THINK I AM CHANGING MY NAME TO ASS BACKWARDS

I had this revelation last night when I was picking up my wedding dress .........
IT seems as if this is how I live my life...
I do everything backwards... including losing weight.. my goal for my wedding in November was to lose hopefully 50 pounds with 30 to go after the wedding.. BUTTTTTTTT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.. do you think I would do that?????.. no .. I lose 30 pounds with 50 to go... yeah .. I may lose a little more before the wedding but who knows.. with this set point I am at its been hard.... when I was a kid I crawled before I held my head up straight.. ( YES I was A FAT HEAD TOO lol even then) everyone thought I was a poser... I could not hold my head up straight geez.. I was suppose to be an October baby.. but I decided to wait until November 1... so not only am I backwards I am late too.. lol... I was suppose to be a lefty but back in grammar school they forced me to be a righty.. consequently I wrote some letter backwards for a while there... I like to read magazines from back to front...When I learned to drive .. I could back the car up perfect.. ( driving forwards was a different matter .....) I wonder if there is some pattern here..??? I have to laugh when I think that I am getting married at 45 for the first time.. thats just plain late not backwards... I got all my teeth late too as a child and never had wisdom teeth. Why on earth do they call those teeth wisdom teeth in the first place.. ?? they should be called .. the extra teeth I kept hidden for years decided to abcess their way out of my mouth teeth LOL.. I digress.. this post is about my being backwards.. HMM I got my wedding invitations with out a proper head count... mmm.. perhaps I just like to be a little unique in doing things I guess.. well I logged my food for today and taped in at just over 1,300 calories.. so thats good.. yesterday I was at 1,265 so that was good too.. I am getting a good handle on my logging again... at least I am not doing that backwards.. lol and I am meal planning again so thats even better.. and not backwards...
Thanks to everyone for your terrific comments recently and to my new visitors .. thank you for commenting and stopping by...
Wish me well..
Wish you well too..

SHAPING MY FUTURE

"I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny." ~Anonymous

I like this quote.. it is empowering..
A while back I mentioned to y'all that I was asked to give a speech , lecture discussion etc.. to a class at my wellness center.. My nutritionist led the class I took in January and this is the September group.. she asked me talk about what keeps me motivated..
In light of all the difficulties I have had lately with the pain, planning for our upcoming wedding, the loss of my aunt.. and so forth.. ( life as we all know it ) ... I questioned if I was a good motivator.. If I had the right to give a discussion on Motivation.
So today I am creating what I will say next Monday in front of this class.. This will be video taped and presented to the morning class as well.
So here it goes.. watch me spin.. and then tell me what you think..
the title will be :

~BRICK WALLS MUST BE PLOWED THROUGH~

How we can build motivation even in difficult times.

I love this quote :

"I shall shape my future, whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."

~Anonymous~

As with anything in life there is constant change. I feel that the hardest obstacle we have to learn is that change will always be there and that we have to learn to adapt to any situation. Those of us who have made the decision to change our lives by adopting better eating habits and better exercise habits have taken the first step to adapting to these changes.

Being an obese woman has not been easy and it was not a choice I made.. yes you can say to me Honi, you did not have to eat those cookies or that cake or that this or that... that was your choice to over eat.. while that may be true.. it was never a dream of mine to be the fat lady.. so with that in mine. I had to make some fresh decisions regarding how was I going to shape my future.

When met with an obstacle was I going to be to the old me and say well that cookie sure tastes better than walking on the track would.. um that ice cream sure would make the way that person is staring at me easier to take. Or would I say to myself I can make this better. I can do something different.

Just maybe if I am lucky an if I work at this.. I can finally after nearly 45 years understand that I am the one that has to adapt..

I am the one the one that has to be my constant motivator.

I am the one that has to believe in me each time the people that I have disappointed because of my obesity give up on me..

I still must believe in me..

and guess what?

this time..

it is DIFFERENT..

this time when I hit that proverbial brick wall something clicked.. something changed..

I learned that I could indeed maintain my weight..

I learned that through my obstacles , mine is chronic pain...I can come out a winner.. Look at me..

I am still obese I still have 50 pounds to go..

so am I success story?

YOU bet I am ..

You bet I am a success .

I am plowing through that brick wall..

yes it is wearing

yes eating would be so much easier..

indulging to extreme would be so easy..

for just a second it might even feel good..

but my body can't take it anymore.. my bones.. can't do it anymore.. my body said..

either you change or you die....

My doctor said to me December 18th 2006 either you make a change or I will put you on blood pressure medication in May. I gave in to myself and ate and ate and ate and ate.. whatever where ever however.. and then for a reason .. I am still not sure why..

I made an appointment here.

On January 22, 2007 I decided to live what I thought about..

I decided that I had to be a part of life .

I decided I had to learn that I can adapt my eating to every situation. I decided to learn and become better educated.

I took the 12 week class. I weighed in ever Monday night. I did well.. I started blogging for extra support and that for me has been a godsend because so many wonderful people out there get it.. So many people out there who I have yet to meet in person.. and most probably never will, totally get me.. totally understand . So I plow through that brick wall with :

1) SUPPORT

2) FAITH IN MYSELF

3) UNDERSTANDING THAT EVEN STAYING AT THE SAME WEIGHT FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME IS GOOD.

4) UNDERSTANDING THAT I MUST CONSTANTLY BE IN MOTION.. BE READY TO CHANGE .. BE EVER CHANGING IN ORDER FOR THIS TO BE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

That alone is difficult to accept..

I can never go back to how I ate before.. I have to move forward.

Eating healthy not only is good for all us.. but it is fun and that to me is another MOTIVATOR discovering new recipes or thinning out old ones.. I enjoy that plus my cooking skills improve.

Plowing through that brick wall is a matter of will.. it is a matter of desire and a matter of being tenacious. If you really want this.. you can do it.. Motivation is about the ability to adapt to change and be positive even if you feel a little uncomfortable in the process.

PLOW THROUGH YOUR BRICK WALL !

Alright that is it.. thats what I am going to say next Monday night and I might give out a recipe or two or something motivational.. maybe.. not sure yet..

Wish me well

Wish you well too

I am not just the sum of my pounds

Still talking to myself.. and asking am I suppose to feel proud that since January 22, 2007 I have lost nearly 30 pounds and maintained it for nearly 5 months as well . It took me 4 months before I hit the proverbial brick wall. I am riding it out.. no my eating has not been perfect. My exercise sporatic when I am usually in the low phases of pain. Should I be mad that I have not lost anything since May 10.. should I turn myself in to the fat police and get yelled at and told what a failure I am .. ( yeah thats going to motivate me all right.. motivate me all the way to a place I gave up a long time ago (OVEREATINGVILLE) ... should I view myself as a failure because I have not progressed.. ??? tell me what to do.. no you .. well you do not have to tell me what to do... I know whats right.. I know I need to feel proud that I have maintained this so far... ( that has never happened in my life .. its either lose weight or gain it right back no maintaining.. I might maintain when I am over eating but that is because the calorie count stays the same... ) well now.. thats the same with maintaining a weight loss .. hmmm.. yes ... that is what I am doing... maintaining for a length of time.. in a good way not a gaining way .. that is good.. I logged my calories today and if I eat everything I have planned I will eat 1355 calories today.. not bad... I still want to try and get back to 1200... i think with the exercising fiasco I am in.. that if I keep my calories closer to that mark I might see some more success before the wedding... So am I proud of myself.. hmm well I know I have dissapointed others... I know in other's eyes I am a failure again... but to me.. like my friend Scale Junkie said... I AM A SURVIVOR.. I can win.. just because things have stopped does not mean they have to go backwards.. they still can go forwards.. its just a matter of.. logging my food again .. religiously just like I used to do ( apparently this is a key for me and a useful tool.. it prevents me from increasing my portion sizes) and trying to do whatever I can to move.. exercise.. thats all I can do.. so .. to me.. I am not a dissapointment or failure... the hardest thing for me is being able to let go of what other people think of me.. even those that are closes to me.. even those who I would never dream of hurting or dissapointing... I am not just the sum of my pounds.. I am so much more... and losing or gaining weight should not be a sign of my character... I have a good character.. I have just struggled with this.. since I popped out into this planet.. thats all... there will be no quick fixes... no crash diets.. no crash anything.. no crash Honi...she is is still here.. I am still here..surviving...
well wish me well
wish you well too..

WHO IS TO BLAME

When a person has cancer who is to blame? did that person do something wrong.. and this is their punishment... ??? of course not... it just is... it happens... there is no plan or map.. or anything it knocks people off their feet with such gusto and shock.. and there are only 2 choices.. give in or stand up and fight.. I have been blessed in my life to know only fighters.. from my father ( a prostate cancer survivor until his death in 2001 from a car accident) several relatives and friends.. some have battled the disease twice.. some have won the fight.. some sadly have lost the fight) my Steve.. a prostate cancer survivor .. all around me.. I have known this disease in many many forms.. when you are a caregiver you see things.. You either see determined will or fear or both.. I have watched people vacillate from one to the other.. It is something out of our control.. and its frightening because it can hold us in it's grip.. so tightly .. or as tight as we choose to let it. Life suddenly becomes more precious and less mundane.. or time seems to stop.. almost as if it is leaving you behind... I can not imagine how I would feel were it me in that situation..
When I was at Southern Pain Services yesterday I spoke with a woman who was there with a friend who was recieving treatment for her pain. She does not have cancer but situation just as scarey.. and she prayers that these pain blocks will help her.. but they have not so far.. I sat there and asked myself what on earth am I doing here.. look how this lady's friend suffers .. and here is me.. I know my pain.. I have had it in various forms for almost 10 years now. I know its trickery and power.. I know all about it... and here I am short of surgery that may or may not work trying to find another option to help me cope with pain .. cope with it better.. I am not a pill taker.. and I want to treat myself as pure as possible.. I think thats why I liked this pain psychologist so much.. he understood that. He did not push the pain blocks on me.. he understood that I am not there yet. especially with my wedding coming up next month.. I just want the volume of the pain to be turned down .. he understood that too... so I sat there and I wondered did I deserve to seek treatment .. did I deserve to seek relief while that woman suffers so with her pain.. and for her .. her options our not very good and VERY risky.. life threatening...and then here was me.. with the pain screaming up my back and pouring into my shoulders.. and shooting down my arm.. and back around my neck.. I think I hurt worse just thinking about why I should not be there.. and then I asked myself.. who is to blame.. did I put myself here.. and my answer.. unlike those of a cancer patient or survivor or this lady mentioned above.. is for the most part YES.. I put myself here by not taking care of my body.. by increasing my body weight to an extent that when I did regular things my spine and an amazing twist of ligaments and soft tissue has a hard time supporting me.. now .. does that mean if I were thin.. I would not have any of these issues.. ABSOLUTELY NOT.. thin people have herniated disks too.. I Know that.. but had I .. just done things different.. perhaps I would not have chronic pain.. so who is to blame.. is it just my hand.. my luck .. my fate... or is no one to blame.. it just happened.. and it just is.. and it is up to me to deal with it.. and work on healing.. and getting.. Healthier and stronger so I can cope even better...
Just a view.. just a thought..
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

GOOGLING MY WAY TOWARDS RANDOMNESS ON FRIDAY

HMMM so its Friday and here I am on my waltz through the web.. yeah I know I sort of did this yesterday .. oh well.. back again.... uhmm well I just waltzed away for an hour .. :-) Somehow I wandered into digital scrapbooking and slideshows similiar to what I have on my blog.. I want to create both a printable and burnable presentation .. I also want to be able to scan old photos and place them on disc as well.. So my multitalented friends.. its input time... can you guide me to find an affordable program either software or downloadable that will allow me to create such programs.. now I know with my digital camera program I can scan my old photos and store them.. ( have not done that yet.. but want too.. ) ... So any ideas that you might have would really rock.. I appreciate it...

I saw the pain psychologist yesterday .. he was fabulous.. I will be seeing him once a month .. each month I get homework to do.. will be taking it step by step... he will be sending me to a new PT and a massage therapist .. and help develop a program ultimately that will allow me to exercise with out injury and proceed on this life changing journey.. I am really excited and felt so good when I left there yesterday because he was someone that understood in no uncertain terms.. how I felt.. I have a feeling if I listen to him.. use the tools he is providing me with.. this pain noise might finally lower its volume... YAY.. this is good.. really really good.. finally developing a plan.. YAY!!!!!!!!!

Lets see I decided to Google MOTIVATION....

QUOTES :

" The limits of your strength are unknown until they are tested. It is in that moment that you'll realize there are no bounds."

"You must be bold, confident, and strong. Fight for what you believe in. Be unyielding towards your goal and have faith and trust in yourself that the end will justify the means"

" It is said that when you wake up in the morning you have two choices. You can continue your dream in the bed, or you can get up and make your dream become true."

" Success is at arms reach, so why are your arms folded? Be not your own enemy by procrastination, instead be your own hero by self-motivation. Just do it!"

" Champions know, if they want to win, they have to be prepared to constantly change the game plan and challenge themselves and their performance. Have you changed your game plan to success?"

" Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence."

So my friends, by simple googling Motivation today.. and clicking on (clicking can bring great suprises sometimes...)
http://www.motivateus.com/rememb.htm

I found some interesting words of wisdom.. from folks from all walks of life... all of what is said above.. can be applyed to any thing we want to achieve.. weight loss, better health, employment, love, marriage, our futures.. etc....

Have a great weekend!
Wish me well
Wish you well too..

SEEING THINGS...

Not much going on rather than the usual... I did a little perusing today and it was pointed out to me to check out http://www.theweighwewere.com/Blog-Directory/ for some reason my blog is listed in that directory too.. not exactly sure how I got there but I guess thats okay... I prefer putting myself somewhere or if someone wants to link my blog to theirs I am fine with that.. Its just those big websites I am not to sure about.. oh well. its really not an issue.. I suppose the more people that read me the better.. right? normally on Fridays I post about my wanderings on the web... today I was at a little loss as to what to post so I decided to wander a bit today and see what i could find... here are some tidbits... if you type in FAT at google here is something rather sad and annoying : http://www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com/ sometimes I have no idea why I click on stuff.. very pathetic indeed.. I thought at first it was a pro large size site.. but I was wrong. its one of many abusive sites...as expected the abusive sites are numerous... when you type in obese http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=obese here is what you get.. information about obesity.. pictures of obese people and some odd looking creature... so forth...when you type in thin you get a lot of computer info and a new health care provider .. wahhh.. oh well thats weird...oh and you get a HBO special about dying to be thin..if you type in skinny one of the first websites that comes up is about skinny famous people.. WHO CARES ????? and also SKINNY COW.. one of my favorite dessert and treat lines by the way.. if you don't know about them they are wonderful for their frozen low fat novelties.. here is the link http://www.skinnycow.com/ very yummy indeed.... my point.. where is the offensive stuff on thin or skinny people.. I see nothing.. nothing sad.. nothing really news worthy.. but when you type in FAT.. welcome to the world of hate...type in Fat People and it even gets worse... Okay I know I am being a bit obsessive about my latest sojourn out on the web and I should not be .. I know I know.. I just find this odd... We talked about anorexia not to long ago and the scarey links to the various clubs out there.. but none of those are hateful....so far here was the only link I found when typing in Fat People that was justafiable and kind.. http://www.naafa.org/documents/brochures/myths.html ohhh wait it from the http://www.naafa.org/ National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance that could explain it... do you see where I am walking towards..... this follows us.. this mocks us.. those that have accepted their size and are healthy but not losing weight.. those of us who do want to change.. and are working towards that goal daily.. those that do not give damn... those that give everything but stumble and trip and give up and come back.. and try and try again... I ask myself though it is not my business I know, what possesses a person to lower themselves for these photos.. I am not talking about the nice ones I talking about the sad ones.. the humiliating ones.. Okay .. I know.. perhaps that person in that photo does not care.. perhaps they see a way to make easy money.. perhaps they think they are beautiful .. I dunno and as I said before its not really my business I know.. but I just can not help but wonder.. you know.. why?

A large size person who is trying to make a difference in themselves battles the worst demons in themselves.. most of the time we berate ourselves for not fitting in that seat.. for taking up a bit more room.. praying to god that our ass does not knock over that valuable vase or glass work... A large person knows everything anyone might want to throw their way.. we know.. we lived it.. we live it..

As I have lost weight I still see myelf through fat eyes.. I doubt if I will ever see myself through healthy eyes.. I will deal with this the rest of my life but I will deal in better health.. even if I can not quiet see it.. even if my size 18s are too big.. even as I get into smaller size clothes.. I will have to work I will have to ebb and flow like the tide against the shore of my life.. as I still have much further to travel.. 50 more pounds to go...I will get there .. just like the rest of you. and maybe one day .. it will be harder to Google Fat or Fat People..

Wish me well

Wish you well too

MY LIFE IS GOOD

I was just visiting a blog I recently discovered.. Journeying to lose 200 pounds.. its in my sidebar.. or click on this link : http://gottalose200pounds.blogspot.com/ check her out... she talked about Gym class when she was a kid... Relate is an understatement...

I have often said that I do not regret all that I went through as a child because it made me who I am today... Over time I came to the realization that I had to put the past away. Yet we all know inevitably we are shaped by our pasts.. We may keep it boxed up tight.. with a little bow ribbon on it.. Or it may be bundled up with chains and a lock minus the long forgotten key..hoping we can forget the contents of that box... but those memories have a way of creeping out and surrounding our brains .. here and there through out our adult life.. the jabs.. the hurt.. the unfairness of those that seemed stronger than us. I did a post a while back on this very subject
http://healthyhoni.blogspot.com/2007/07/did-you-ever-make-fun-of-fat-kid.html ... so I won't go back to what happened to me. I just know that it shaped me. Just like your past shaped you. I knew at a young age i was different.. and I know as an adult that I am different and do not fit any particular mold. Yeah .. sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to be the "socker mom" or to be the "thin girl' or to be the "career successful girl making lots of money" or to be the "creative girl living off whatever talent I had" or to be the "girl with the voice".. .. but I was the "fat girl" the "pretty face girl" the "if she would only lose weight girl" what anyone ever saw in me for the most part was based on my weight. I sometimes wonder how Steve saw beneath it all and saw the real me.. People forget to look and are very quick to judge.. I guess. He did not forget to look and he did not judge ... I really have no regret.. just curiousity I suppose.. and maybe a few "if onlys"
I have a good life.. a forth coming marriage.. great adventures... a wonderful man... a nice home.. nice neighbors.. a great family and extended family... through it all.. It is good.. SO GOOD.. MY LIFE IS GOOD. I bet through it all.. when you lay it all out and think about it.. YOURS IS TOO...
Wish me well
Wish you well too...

MISTRESS OF MY CHAOS

You know that feeling you have where ..you sort of have it all together and you have an idea of a plan but the world around you will not cooperate.. ?? that is how I feel. I have a late day at work today.. will get home around 7ish.. no gym because then I would not get home until 9 and I have been working at not eating after 8 pm water only.. thats what I try and goal towards.. I do pretty well with it too.. every now and then I might have a bowl of cereal.. or a little snack but most of the time I finish before 8 so its not a problem... I am not a morning exerciser.. its really hard with my back and pain to get moving early in the morning.... sometimes I will go for walk or ride my recumbent bike.. it just depends on my pain level.. so the desire to exercise is there.. its just up to the body a lot of times...
Chronic pain can be an interesting place to live.. sometimes you are active and fine and other times a simple twist of the hip can take your breath away because some how you have done something to aggrevate that lovely live in guest of yours.. (mine) back pain... it hurts to breath at its worst.. and is a dull nagging ache at its best.. I have had doctors say my pain threshold is very high.. which really is not all that good because sometimes I let myself hurt badly for too long and then getting control of it gets more difficult... What I am trying to say is.. this pain is like a consistent flow of chaos in my life.. though I work really hard to ignore it .. sometimes it sends me in to a tailspin.. and I end up asking myself.. is this really worth it..?? is getting healthy really even a reality for me.. DUH.. yes.. the more weight I lose the less strain on my back ( says the logical side of me) but the whiney side of me says.. wouldn't a big bowl of icecream be more fun.. ??/ wouldn't not having to pay attention to what goes in my mouth just be a wonderful time... ??? wouldn't eating myself into oblivion be a great way to die??? hmmmm not really ( says the logical self) there is not enough food on the planet that can take away chronic pain.. the alternatives to chronic pain usually yield more pain at first and you may or may not get some relief.. who really fucking knows???( do you sense my anger there.. with all the great thing we humans can do .. we have yet to figure out a true way to really help those in pain.. its up to us as individuals to find our way) .... so... In my Organized Chaos... I have to really be focused..
Really know that the 2 pounds I gained over the weekend because I did not make wise choices in my eating.. ( portion control) ( bad choices) ( and they tasted horrible) are just a tickler to say.. Honi.. fix it.. you can control this. and though the world around you may flip and flop.. You do have control over your eating.. you can give your body unlimited veggies.. you can give your body limited carbs, protein, dairy and fruit... You can be proud of your accomplishments.. and every time that you move towards that light .. towards that never ending change.. and accept that this life is full of never ending change.. then its all a good thing...
I did not want to step on the scale this morning.. I was suppose to do it yesterday but chickened out.. and I am the one that says the scale is only a tool not a weapon of mass destruction.. wait.. make that a weapon of SELF DESTRUCTION.. the scale just lets me know.. what direction I am really going and that if I feed myself properly and try and get in some type of movement or exercise several times a week at a minimum.. then I am going in the right direction.. So it would seem then I become the mistress of my chaos.. that I can control what I can.. and I can just let those other things be...
Wish me well.
Wish you well too...