45

45 years ago November 1st 1962 I came to be. There I was in all my rolly polly glory.. alive and in this world. Round was my shape.. round is still my shape... I wonder how I got to be here.. not in the basic sense but .. more so.. how I got to this moment in my life. I battle the same self I battled when I was a child.. the self that always found comfort in food.. why am I still here.. in this shape.. why.. did I not learn anything years ago... why did not I not change then??



As a child no matter how badly I was tormented for being different.. for not being attractive.. for not fitting into the mainstream.. I thought when I became an adult I would be able to finally breath.. find a place of safety and just be me. but as I became an adult and aged into my mid 40s I realized nothing really changed.. sure.. maybe I am not getting pushed off school buses or being called names.. but I am still being judged.. is that what this is all about.. are we always judged no matter what ? even by those who should love us the most.. they cast their dissapointed eyes at you.. at me.. because.. sure .. once again we have let them down because we did not reach a goal.. they cast that weary gaze on us yet again on me yet again.... but do we give up on ourselves.. not me.. not ever.. because when all the dust has cleared... all I have is myself.. no one else.. and all you have is yourself.. so here I am at 45.. still alive.. very much alive.. getting ready to start a new year.. getting married ... and Getting my act together.. for myself.. for me.. make no mistake about it.. This will be my 45th year... not giving up.. not giving in.. right after the wedding back on my program with strength with a goal... my goal.. and I am typing this out loud now.. is to lose 50 pounds between November 2007 and November 2008.. It will be done.. it has to be done for me... only for me.. 45 will be about me.. reinventing me..

I was serious when I asked each of you to give me a birthday present... reinvent yourself.. be the woman .. or person you were meant to be on the outside as well as on the inside.. don't wait.. don't be 45 and still asking why.. be 45 and say look.. at .. me.. I did it.. ...if you are in your 40s.. or 50s or whatever age... you can do this.. you can reinvent.. but you must do it for one sole reason.. yourself.. no one else.. not so your husband will be more attracted to you.. not so your kids will want to play with you or that you can play with them.. on the surface those may be great motivators.. but in the soul.. in your soul.. weight loss.. for the rest of your life.. has to be about one person.. and that is you... that is me....

FOR ME this is how 45 looks.

PS.. thanks for those wonderful Birthday wishes.. !!!!

PPS.. did you know foundation garments are not as bad as they used to be.. I used to hate that stuff.. my mother used to force me to wear a girdle growing up.. I just got the Curvation tummy shaper cami and bra.. love it.. did not like the thigh shaper uncomfortable.. but Hanes has 2 news ones that are panties and combined with the curvation its some nice light smoothness.. LOVE IT.. oh my god.. I am so old.. I just said I like foundation garments .. whats.. thats bizzare lol... hey any advice on foundation garments.. send it my way.. lol...

Wish me well

Wish you well too...

THE CANDY DEVIL WILL BE LEAVING MY HOUSE TONIGHT

THERE SHE IS.. THAT HAUNTING WHISPERING HERSHEY BAR, THAT CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER CUP ... THAT CHEWY CARMEL TWIX BAR WITH THE COOKIE THING INSIDE.. SITTING THERE quietly... yet saying.. COME EAT ME.. COME EAT ME.. its our little secret.. you know you want me.. why not eat me? tonight I will be tossing her out by gooey sweet handfuls.. Tonight she flys out the house and not to return again until next year... Tonight we say our last farwell.. she sat in my kitchen for 4 days.. and yes I engaged in that sweetness.. but TONIGHT she bids her annual good bye.. as masked hordes ring the door bell over and over again..some saying trick or treat.. and some just staring at me assuming I can read their minds.. hmm with it being Halloween.. perhaps I can...



Wish me well



Wish you well too..


PS GETTING NEW PC!!! ACER ASPIRE should be here soon.. any info on Windows VISTA versus WINDOWS XP.. I think I am going to put in XP.. heard VISTA sucks!!

VOICES IN MY HEAD

So I am still thinking about going on the fasting program.. though contemplating it very lightly now.. I feel for me the best bet is to do what I was doing , logging food, eating 1200 calories a day.. and starting to exercise and develop healthier habits.. its basic simple and sweet. yet then there is the other voice.. the voice saying. you know .. if you did this fast.. your world.. would change quicker.. the world to getting smaller would be here faster.. and then the other voice is back saying .. Honi, its not about the destination.. its about the ride.. what you learn along the way is what will take you through the rest of your life.. Sure being smaller will be great.. but what will you take along the way.. what will you learn if all you are doing is being on a liquid diet.. what will you learn about portion control.. what will you learn about your strength and capibilities if you go the quicker route. I think your birthday present to yourself needs to be very simple.. go back to what works.. go back to where you get an education . don't give in.. and don't think you can not achieve your goals your way.. Lets face it Honi.. quick fixes work. but if you do not learn new habits to replace the old ones.. well then you are stuck with the old habits.. and old habits are like old clothes.. you can either keep them and wear them again and again.. or toss them out.. OTHER VOICE: Yeah but, if I do this quickly I can reach my goal in say 12 weeks as opposed to 12 more months.. and they have a maintainence program.. and then the other voice comes back again.... but Honi. sure that sounds good.. but once again I ask you what happens along the way.. what do you learn.. what do you feel.... where is the education in it all? you are not making changes you are simply limiting your calorie intake to about 800 calories a day.. You are not learning to cope with emotions.. you are not learning to "say when" ,you are not learning anything and not learning is a true waste of time. Look at you. you maintained for all this time.. pretty soon the wedding will be here and over.. then its quiet.. then you start fresh with Mayo Clinic and counting calories and you go back to learning and reiterating all that you have learned thus far.. you become smarter and wiser and ultimitely you succeed for the rest of your life.. Other voice: "sigh".. well maybe you are right maybe a quick fix is not so quick after all....so those are the voices in my head.
Now I have a favor to ask of each of you... There is a birthday present I want from each of you...
On Thursday I am going to be 45... Older than most of you that read my blog.. I want you to promise me that when You are 45 you will not be looking back and saying to yourselves.. where did the time go.. why didn't I just lose the weight once and for all.. be able to look back and say look at me.. look how far I have come.. look how healthy I am .. look how active I am .. thats the gift I want from each of you.. If you are 45 and older.. commit to yourself that by your next birthday you will be 30 - 50 pounds lighter.. and so forth down the road until you reach your goal.. it is never to late to reach a goal.. We can do this.. even when we hit the rough patches and the decsion making we can do this..

Tommorow: THE CANDY DEVIL WILL BE LEAVING MY HOUSE TONIGHT!

Wish me well
Wish you well too

IT IS ALL ABOUT HAVING A PLAN OF ACTION

Well with number 45 looming nearer and nearer I decided to take stock of things.
Thursday I will turn 45... pretty cool huh? I think so.. I mean I graduated another year.. beats the alternative you know... so here I am at 45.. about 30 pounds thinner than last year. getting married in about 20 or so days.. I am actually going to be somebody's mrs. hmmm I like that.. I have waited al long time .. a LONG time... My sweet cousin called me this morning and told me that after the wedding she is going to be calling me twice a week to encourage me to lose at least a pound a week.. I told her about my doctor's visit.. this is what he said... he was happy I had maintained but feels that someone of my height and limitations with exercise really has to be restrictive.. he wants to see me go on the EAT RIGHT OPTI FAST program at the University of Alabama here in Birmingham. ITS VERY expensive over 3,000 dollars to do the 30 week program... I still believe that I can lose this weight by staying with the Mayo Clinic Healthy weight for everyone.. as you know I eat between 1300 and 1400 now.. and will continue to do so until the wedding .. after the wedding I am going to go back to 1000 to 1200 thats how I lost before so if it worked then it will work now.. I also was 2 pounds less than I was the last time I was at the doctor.. I am 185 .. I want to be 132.. so after the wedding.. is when the iron horse comes back.. Not only do I need you guys now.. but boy will I need your encouragement then.. too and I know I will have it.. which makes me know I can do this without drastic measure.. My mom told me today she would pay for another 12 week session for the Mayo Clinic program since that worked so good before.. So I am working on a plan for after the wedding.. My doctor said not to worry about the weight until after the wedding.. keep maintaining as I have been doing and then after the wedding.. work at it... So I do feel a bit better now.. about all that.. and it is always reassuring to have a plan .. I think...
After Erin made her comment .. she is right.. why pay for something I can virtually do for free.. and I do know how to do it.. still would love more opinions about this Optifast program.. here is the link to the info I have...http://main.uab.edu/Sites/eatright/programs/OPTIFAST/ .. I prefer the route I am on..http://www.onenineteen.com/wellness/nutrition.asp so any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated.. should I stay.. or should I go..
Hope everyone had a good weekend..
Wish me well
Wish you well too

WHY I LOVE HALLOWEEN

I love seeing first time trick or treaters

I love giving candy to costumed kids

I love Halloween because it still has that wholesomeness to it.. and no I do not think that giving children candy once a year contributes to the obesity epidemic.. there are far more bigger issues that contribute to that...

I think its kinda funny the way Cookie looks at kids in costumes.. like she just can not figure it out..

I think it is kinda funny that Bazzie is convinced that all children should share their candy with him.. and he is very happy to stick his nose in their goodies bags...

I love Halloween because it falls in the .. uhmmm FALL and I love Fall..

I love Halloween because I love decorating my house with purple and orange lights on the banister outside

I love Halloween because its the only time I get to decorate outside my house and put up blinkie lights and things.. At Christmas I just get to enjoy my neighbors lights since we do not celebrate that holiday.. Last year one of my neighbors felt bad for us lol and gave us one of those little light up deer ( YEAH A DEER OF ALL THINGS.. if you are curious you my inquire about my well known title around town . the DEER SLAYER... ) I had to explain to them that we are jewish and don't celebrate Christmas but we appreciate the thought and love admiring all the pretty lights... At my first house.. years ago.. Carolers once came by and when they realized I was jewish they started singing Chanukah songs.. I thought that was so sweet I wrote a letter to the church... okay back to Halloween...

I love my blinkie pink eyed cat or bat not sure what it is..

I love hearing the excitement in our neighborhood.

I love watching each Halloween get bigger and bigger in our neighborhood as little ones grow up and learn to trick or treat with their siblings..

I love Halloween because the next day is my Birthday .. Number 45 this year and then 17 days later this year I am getting married for the first time.. so this is a SPECIAL YEAR!!!

I love Halloween because I could blog a lot about it and probably will...

Wish me well

Wish you well too..

THE VERDICT IS IN

Saw the Geek Squad this morning.. they are retrieving all the important files I need... it will run about 99 bucks as opposed to the over 200 + to repair the damn thing... the hard drive is fine.. somewhere in the CPU there is an issue. It has had good good life about 6 years.. will save the hard drive and probably donate the PC or reinstall the original set up and use it for back up or something...The disks I will load onto Steve's pc and then be able to continue on my merry way for wedding stuff..

Weight news.. I see the doctor tomorrow.. Yes I am a little dissapointed in myself that I have not lost anything but maintained for the most part.. I also have not really exercised since May either.. with all the pain I have had.. The plan is to continue maintaining or hopefully lose.. until the wedding shortly after the wedding.. start seeing my nutritionist 1 or 2 times a month and start on a regular exercise program .. in the last two weeks just by logging my food I have gone from eating around 1450 calories to 1350 and even lower.. my goal is to get back to the 1,000 to 1200 range.. I will do it.. I have too.. I am dreading the doctor a little bit.. I wanted to get farther along.. I am just glad that I have not gone farther back... so I guess that is good too..
So wish me well tomorrow at the doctors..
wish you well too..

TIME FOR A QUICKY

Real fast post folks.. thanks so much for your kind words during this pre wedding crisis I have so much to blog about right now weight wise.. but no time so will post that a little later right now I am taking my pc to Best Buy or as my sister calls it Worst Buy and going to the Geek Squad.. since this pc is about 6 years old it would cost too much to repair it.. estimated at 200 to 300 dollars so far. so I am going to have them copy all info to disks then reload that on Steves pc at the house.. then when I get my new PC i can put the important stuff on there.. I will be posting help questions I am sure.. and I promise I learned my lesson .. with the new pc I will either buy a flash drive or a external hard drive to keep the important stuff.. on ..
wish me well
Wish u well too.

THINGS I DO NOT THINK ARE FUNNY (but you might)

In no particular order:

I do not think it is funny when I wake up in the morning and go turn my pc on.. and all it does is blink at me.. and blink at me.. and blink at me.. apparently there is a hefty chance the hardrive might be fried.. ( just got this one 13 months ago) Going to work on it tonite..

I do not think it is funny when I realized that all my wedding stuff is on there ( and no of course I did not think to back it up.. why on earth would I think to do something as smart as that )

I do know that 209 people are coming to the wedding so far.. but ask me who.. I have no Fxxxx idea...

I have so much crap on that damn thing that I need that I am trying not to panic .. one of my friends thinks it might be fixable he is going to coach me tonite... ( please say an extra prayer for my pc)

I do not think its funny when I back out of my garage and hit Steve's employee's car only because when I opened my garage door because of the way her car was sitting I did not see it as I was backing out.. luckily I back out slow.. I was like what in the world did I just hit.. BINGO a CAR... no damage thankfully to either car...

I do not think its funny when one of the tray of cookies I am taking to my boss ( steve had some cookie samples that had some broken cookies in them and he could not show them) decides to flip over in my VERY CLEAN car and dump cookies every where..

my day so far.. whooo hooo.. yeah I know.. Honi go log your food.. whooo deee doo..
it could be worse..
it could be better
wish me well
wish you well too